I'm currently 17 y/o, partway through year 12, and so far it feels like a repeat of last year. Since I have an absurdly high academic goal to reach I've brought the bar down. Though the problems I've faced with studying, like procrastination, have come up again, and I've felt guilty and ashamed for not improving. It's the consistent struggling that makes me believe that I'm incapable of ever doing well. This is coupled with my friends succeeding in their social and job lives at just year 10-11, making me feel envious and incompetent.
Something else I struggle with is anexiety. In my previous schools I initially struggled to make friends, because of how weird I am. I am usually either far more energetic and spontaneous, or dull and tired, than those around me. So I've decided to cut myself out from people in my class. And since I rarely left home, I was socially isolated for a while. I would make some friends, and hang out with people during lunch from time to time, but by about year 7, I hadn't made any close friends.
I travelled here in 2017, which is when I'd meet two great friends, though I'd only make a close friend by late year 11. I was getting more anxious around people, since I was used to staying at home. During year 11, I've isolated myself whenever possible, during class and lunch, by keeping my head down, or sitting in the lockers. I'd always say that I'm sleeping whenever someone checks on me, which I justified with my real poor sleep schedule. Near the end of year 11, I had trouble controlling my imagination. During arbitrary times, I'd imagine disgusting sexual or violent imagery, with the former being far more prominent. I used to keep my head down, often tearing up and feeling ashamed of myself, while trying to stop them from appearing. I found that pain helps stop this, though I understand that it's a terrible way to manage it. Though this is a symptom of OCD, which I have not verified, I'm concerned that I might enjoy the former. I'm sure that I don't, but if I were to tell anyone, I'm sure that they'd say that I'm just perverted, so I'm being impartial.
I've also felt suffocatingly lonely, balling up in bed to cope with the feeling. I am trying to socialise more often, though the interactions are feeling hollow, since I can't tell whether people enjoy my company, or just put up with me to not make a scene. I've felt this way since year 11, and still have no way of discerning between both cases.