Hello LaTeRaLus, if you suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), obsessive
thoughts and compulsive behaviours become so consuming they interfere with our life, and whether you display these obsessions or hide them, doesn't really matter because they control our life.

I say this because it's almost 60 years I've suffered from it, whereas my twin doesn't it, which I'm so pleased for him.

We can't see those 'intrusive thoughts' yet we suffer from them, but we can see 'the checking the door locks' which mainly happen in familiar situations, but both cause disruptions to our routine and how we feel and once we try to avoid the thought, it only makes the situation worse.

There is no justification when we're caught out, although we do offer an excuse, which can then cause embarrassment, so we repeat these behaviours over and over until we are satisfied that any anxiety has been reduced and the degree to how different people suffer from it will vary.

It's not your fault you have this illness and no explanation will satisfy another person who doesn't suffer from it, they don't understand the strength that this condition has over us.

I once did a 2 week online course to try and reduce these obsessions/compulsions and it did help a bit, but once it was over I went straight back.

Remember you are not alone and there is a huge section on OCD on this site if you type it in the search bar at the top of this page.

Hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

Thank you geoff! Your reply to my post made me feel like i was not alone with this and if others can see this dark spiral im going through and still have kind words for me then I know I can make it through.

Today was hard though, I felt like i was screaming underwater with a chest full of glass, having to be happy and cheerful when inside i feel empty and shunned by the world. I deliberately took on too much work in the stupid thought that if i failed then at least someone might ask if i was ok and i might be able to unburden myself on them (mindless self-indulgence i think now). There are people I can talk to here who wont judge me and who know what i am going through personally so why do i need to ruin someone else's day?

I listened to some interesting music that made me feel capable of getting through the day and i am focusing on creative outlets like artwork and game design for tonight. I am staying clear of the dark rabbit holes that my OCD wants me to be lulled into and instead embracing the sharp agony of existence where not everything is ok.

Your statement "There is no justification when we're caught out, although we do offer an excuse, which can then cause embarrassment," resonated with me so much! I have often done this, offered up excuses and justifications where there are none, as a way to ease the guilt. Sometimes even going so far as to talk to my mobile phone so that They/Them would understand (because They/Them are always listening according to my my OCD/BPD Paranoia!) that i was not a "bad person" or as a way to convince They/Them not to come for me!

It all sounds so silly when I re-read what i have written but for me its as real as Quantum Physics (cant see it, cant touch it, dont really understand it, but without it Reality falls apart, haha).

Anyway, thank you again for your reply and I hope to keep in touch with you and everyone else who is going through similar patterns of behaviour/thoughts.

ps: for the sake of brevity, i am happy to be called "L7" ...as typing "LaTeRaLuS777" can cause your fingers to cramp up when typing it lol

Hi L7, thanks for getting back because it means that we have been able to relate our own experience with some of yours.

Look forward to hearing from you again.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Dear LaTeRaLus777,

I'm not sure if I'm qualified to reply to you since I'm pretty much suffering the same condition as you do. There has been many ups and downs with my symptoms and the phases come and go ever since I was a child(13 years old or so when I first noticed it). I didn't know that was bipolar then, talking my shrink wasn't helpful to me since he couldn't place my symptom at that time, maybe he's not as good as advertised.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I do feel you, the dark circle, the confusion, uncertainty and mood swings, once a dark thought rooted in my head it simply won't go away. First it was the anxiety, uncontrollably lingering for days, messing with my sleep, my self discipline,then because of that, followed the depression, disappointment, and questioning the meaning of life.

I tried suiside so many times that I can't even count, the worst time I was in ICU for a week, that was when I was 15. I took every anti-depressing pills or drinks I can find, nothing works beyond gaining a few pounds.

I know there are so many things will set us off, and sometimes we can't function in a regular, mordern life. But I do believe you are a good person with good heart, because sometimes that's where the issue lies, life is messy, full of dark and ugly stuff, sometimes I just cannot live with them.

P.s I'm into game design as well. Games, or let's say arts, when you create a world using nothing but your imagination, it's so much better and attractive than the real world, do you think? Reality is always heavier than your fictions, no matter how you weaving them up.(That was something I read from a book, sorry about the translation.)

Hi Geoff and Alyca, thanks for your replies.

You are right Alyca, these phases come and go and I know it will eventually come good again but its so hard to fight this dark spiral. Its strange that the cycle happens still even though im medicated (i hate to think what it would be like without meds!) and it seems to be on a semi-regular basis of every couple of months.... weird.

It took me long time for my correct diagnosis of OCD and Bipolar. I would be medicated for depression and things would be ok for a little bit (when i was down the meds seemed to help a bit with the sadness) but then the mania and whirlwind of thoughts would come back and i would start the rollercoaster all over again.

Thank you both for your kind and supportive words, they mean a lot to me as I havent really shared this inner turmoil with many people, especially in this much detail before.

Thanks again. Sorry for short message but i just woke up.

L7

Ps: Alyca, have you heard of a FlowScape? Its a program/game for creating beautiful 3D worlds. Its really cool you are into games and creative stuff like that also, i think it gives us an outlet and a distraction against the darkness sometimes.

Hi L7 (and a wave to Geoff and Alyca too),

I may not truly understand OCD (depression is more my issue) but one glance at your username made me want to stop and welcome you too. Years ago a friend introduced me to the band Tool and I found myself wondering if your choice of name meant you were a fan too?

These forums can be an absolute god send on days when we need distraction from our own thoughts. I hope you can explore the forums and join in wherever it helps you.

Nat

Hi Quercus (Nat),

Yes! most definitely a fan of Tool and i chose this name because of the spiral in the song Lateralus as well as the OCD joy of each consonant being an uppercase letter and each vowel a lower case letter and the way it mimics the ups and downs of bipolar (haha, deep huh?).

Music can be a great way to explore or distract from the ups and downs of our lives. I have found that exploring music can lead me on to some amazing bands and songs. Often I wonder what we would all be like without music... Im not sure it would be a happy place.

Yes, these forums have been wonderful and I hope that I will continue to post replies and ask questions long after this spiral ends (which thanks to you all should be soon, you have been wonderful).

Thank you for the welcome and all the best wishes with your own battles too.

< L7 >

Hi Everyone,

Just a quick update on how im going...

Today was really good at work, i managed quite well and even started to feel like my usual self again. Being happy and cheerful to customers wasnt as painful as the other day (which is really good).

I think i may be coming back up and i just have the OCD thoughts, paranoia and guilt associated with the dark spiral to deal with as they occur (my brain does weird stuff lol). I have to be careful now though that I dont go off the rails into mania and start the process all over again, despite the fact that it bounces like this every couple of months or so.

I truly hope you have gotten something useful out of my posts and know that you are not alone with this condition, BeyondBlue are an incredible bunch of people who really care about us and want to help. Please call or chat (as i did) when you need help.

You are most welcome to continue this thread but I will probably be offline for a while as work is getting really busy and taking more of my time.

Thank you to Geoff for your initial reply to my first ever post, it meant more than you can possibly imagine to read that i was not alone with this OCD spiral and thoughts. And a massive thanks to everyone who found this thread helpful and spoke out into the void.

In summary: OCD Bipolar spiral is real, we may not be able to see it or fight it but we can learn to ride it out and find positive distractions (like posting here) and listening to music or doing artwork. Please keep going and please seek help if you feel like your world is crashing down.

Thank you all and goodnight,

L7

Hello L7, thank you for the lovely comment.

One thing I forgot to say is that when I was at school as well as after the one reason I couldn't have these obsessions/compulsions was when I was playing many different sports of various varieties.

Good luck with yourself and please don't forget us.

Best wishes,

Geoff,

Hiya Geoff and Everyone!

Just another quick update:

I am out of my spiral now and doing well. Work is hard but rewarding and it is also a great distraction from my OCD thoughts. I am enjoying life again and I am so lucky to have such a great support base both with my doctor and with you all here. Thank you!

The Bipolar has shifted gears on me (as it does every few months) and I must be careful not to fly to close to the sun now with mania.

Once again thank you and I just wanted to let you know I am doing fine :)

I will always be grateful to you all for your kindness and for the acceptance of being "one of us" lol! If you are reading this and you are inside the Dark Spiral, take hope from my message. If you can ride it out and find distractions that dont hurt (which can be hard btw) then you will come out of it a little stronger, a little wiser and knowing that you are not alone.

See you all again soon, I will continue to post both my ups and downs as I see them, just so you can see also that You are definitely "one of us" and welcome to share!

Thank you and all the best,

L7

Hello L7, thanks for getting back to us, and please remember you always have us to support you.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

HI AGAIN!!

The problem i am having with Mania is the feeling of impermanence and invulnerability/devil-may-care-attitude. Drive faster, eat more, spend money cos its useless sitting there in the virtual bank, take risks and eff the consequences! Nothing seems real to me when im Manic! And everything is great until the Crash... The sudden realisation of what i have done hits like a tonne of bricks and the OCD kicks in: Paranoia, They/Them coming to get me again, family and friends all turning their backs on me and casting me out of their society, images and thoughts of what-ifs in relation to what i have done, FEAR!

So, what do i do about it? Absolutely nothing. I ride the Dark Spiral as far as it takes me, down into the Pit of Despair that is Depression and self-destruction. Every few months this cycle happens and i cant seem to figure out how to stop it!!. Thank fox for the medications! I would be unbearable to be around without them and I hate to think what i would have done in a full-manic-episode if i wasnt on meds!!

To summarise: Mania is fun, really really fun, but bloody dangerous too! In life everything has a balance so as I fly higher i have further to fall. OCD seems to be the brakes on my runaway Mania-Train and i guess thats a good thing?? Despite the FEAR it brings im sure it has helped me to remain safe to myself and to others by reminding me of Dire Consequences of my Actions. Medication is helpful and maybe i need to talk to my specialist about what we can do to help manage this Dark Spiral a bit better....

Thank you for reading this random message, brought to you by MaNiC/OCD Inc!! Cyas

< L7 >

L7

Thnaks for keeping in touch.

i used to hate the dark moods and wait for the highs until I realised that highs were more dangerous than my lows

You have a lote to cope with and are getting help.

Tske care

Quirky

Hi Quirky, Hi Everyone

The brakes of OCD have come on gently this time and i think it has a lot to do with the time of year... Work stress, family stress, heat stress etc etc... But thats good! The usual crash-and-burn phase of my Mania appears to have been averted and now its a gentle slide into what should only be a minor Depressive episode.

I have said/done/thought some things that i wish i could take back during my manic phase and the OCD "What-If" has pulled me into line i think. Things cannot be unsaid or undone and i am accepting responsibility (and shame) for my actions over the past few weeks, where i may have offended individuals or said things out of character to people i work with as well as family and friends.

I wish you all a safe and stressed-least holiday period and bring on the challenges of 2020!

L7

L7

Thanks for your insights into your behaviour and sharing your thoughts honestly with us and given us feedback.
Learning to accept responsibility of ones actions and experiencing shame is a hard lesson.

Things can not be unsaid but if you can learn from it it will help fir next time.
Quirky

I can so relate to this thread, I have been diagnosed with OCD, and Schizoaffective Disorder (bipolar type). Lately, I've been obsessively praying the rosary and spraying my unit with air freshener because I am not allowed to smudge, burn incense or scented candles, and I somehow convinced myself that as long as the unit constantly smells fresh and I do all these rituals, the "demons" won't be able to get me. I also have the unfortunate burden of having epileptic seizures when I get too stressed or overheated.

Welcome Bulus Shabbaz, to the forum . This is a friendly and supportive safe place.

Well done for making your post. You have a lot of diagnosis to cope with.

Do the rituals help you?

Are you getting support from your doctor?

Quirky

quirkywords said:

Welcome Bulus Shabbaz, to the forum . This is a friendly and supportive safe place.

Well done for making your post. You have a lot of diagnosis to cope with.

Do the rituals help you?

Are you getting support from your doctor?

Quirky

Yes, the rituals help me as far as a way to calm myself down and meditate. And my doctors are very supportive. Thanks for asking.

Welcome Bulus Shabbaz and thank you for posting

I hope you managed to take some comfort from reading my struggles over the past little while and please continue to post your own experiences if you feel comfortable doing so (this applies to everyone). You are not alone in this struggle, we are all coming at this dark spiral from different angles, and to us "They/Them" are very real. Do whatever you need to do (within the confines of "do no harm" - to yourself and/or others) to ease the tight chains of fear and dread that these thoughts bring, even if it is keeping the house fresh like you said. That is no stranger than me talking to my phone to make sure They know im a good person and not to come get me yet.

I would like to pose a few questions to you all:

How long have you been "Riding the Dark Spiral" of Bipolar? When did you first think They/Them were coming to get you? (No, you dont have to say why) What triggers your OCD pattern/number/thought process and do you see it happen at regular intervals throughout the year? Finally, do you suffer from terrifying vivid nightmares that somehow become memories?

Thank you Quirky and Geoff for being a steady influence of positivity and grounding, at the same time.

As far as my OCD/BPD is going, i am in the lull between the In-Breath and the Out-Breath, a place where everything seems manageable... this is a good place to be in, however it does not last forever. I enjoy it while i can.

Again, thank you for posting and i encourage Everyone and Anyone to please feel free to contribute as much or as little as they would like to share.

L7

How long have you been "Riding the Dark Spiral" of Bipolar?

I was officially diagnosed about 5/6 years ago, but for many years I was treated for also treated for Borderline Personality Disorder.

When did you first think They/Them were coming to get you?

[trigger warning]

When I was a young child I had a deep belief in the spiritual realm, I also would watch Unsolved Mysteries and The X-Files with my mother as early as the age of 7. On 9/11 the conversation I had with my mother was involving government conspiracies, we just assumed that it was an inside job. That was one of the last conversations I ever had with my mother, as she would commit suicide a couple of weeks later due to her own struggles with bipolar.

What triggers your OCD pattern/number/thought process and do you see it happen at regular intervals throughout the year?

When I am at peak mania or at the depths of depression I seem to get OCD about the ritual side of my religion. Also, Christmas and Easter and around my mothers birthday and anniversary of her death, regardless of my mental state at the time.

Finally, do you suffer from terrifying vivid nightmares that somehow become memories?

Oh my Ganesh! this is something that happens to others as well? I have been saying this to my doctors for years, and while I assumed it was linked to my illness, I was never told either way.

Thank you Bulus Shabbaz for posting with such open honesty and courage! My apologies for taking so long to reply.

I was diagnosed about 10yrs ago after a long battle with fluctuating moods that almost destroyed my relationship. It took a very insightful doctor to recognise that it was Bipolar Disorder (previously treated for Depression only... as that was the only time i sought help). I was referred to an amazing psychiatrist who also recognised the OCD patterns and behaviours. Medications were discussed and then adjusted over the next few years until we found the right balance. So important to find that balance and yes it can take a while so dont give up everyone!

I was fascinated by the supernatural also from a young age and i wonder if it was a contributing factor or just a by-product of my illness.

The Dreamlands memories that we seem to have can be very disturbing and also very destructive when it comes to our mental health as (for me anyway) i feel guilty or ashamed of my dreams which can trigger a downward spiral. I have found that drawing and writting helps to balance these dreams out a bit though which i highly recommend if you have the time.

Anyway thank you again for posting and sharing. I hope other people find your words helpful and can find the courage to share also. The more we share the more we know and the stronger we can become.

L7

Hi all,

Just a quick update on my situation..

After a complete loss of self-confidence last week or so, i have found myself clawing my way back up to where i can do my job and feel ok about it (its a good job btw, suits me perfectly).

Also i am struggling to live outside of my bubble of ignorance regarding all the horrible things going on around us at the moment. I tend to shutdown these issues so i dont crash into despair and anger with no way to remedy the situation and then it turns inward which is not good. The bubble protects me but also isolates me and leads to complete loss of touch with the 'real world'....

Anyway keep fighting if you are struggling with the Dark Spiral and remember you have support here.

If you are on the upward cycle remember not to fly too close to the sun and beware your inner self-destructive tendancies... thats not to say dont enjoy it, by all means fly high, but keep in mind that you do no harm to others or yourself.

Have a safe and happy long weekend (if you get one) and feel free to post your experiences here also.

L7

Hi Sophie Hi Everyone

Im doing fine, as fine can be. Pulled myself out of the Dark Spiral yet again and rising back up towards happiness. Work was hard these past few days as I have to "be happy" all the time but it was also a good distraction.

Once again music has been my comfort during dark times as well as gaming (focused on building things instead of self destruction).

I am currently sitting by the roadside on my lunch break and contemplating my OCDs need for control and order. It seems like the more distant my control the harder my OCD tries to invade my day. Learning to accept that there are multitudes of things beyond my control is a constant battle.

My Bipolar is stable at the moment and i am seeing my specialist in a few weeks. They will be impressed that I have ridden the wave of suicidal tendencies and emerged unscathed.

Anyway all the best and thank you again for reading these posts.

L7

HEYA!

Im probably flying too close to the sun again with this manic episode but i dont seem to care! Im bored and thrilled and agitated and happy and lonely all at the same time...

Listening to music is helping once again (discovered Finnish Hardcore and Punk genres recently), too loud too fast and tapping my fingers and stomping my feet to the beat!

Argh! Its so hard to type when my mind is whirling a mile a minute! What do i want to say to you all?? EVERYTHING! and nothing all at the same time! I have no news apart from the bloody C19 virus stuffing up my plans to see Ministry live.. very sad news for me, but we all must do what we can and have to do to survive i guess.

Focus. Time to explain my mood. i NEEEED the sound of music to move me around and keep me whirling further upward, its like being on a plane during takeoff ... the engines kick in, the head goes back and zooom!

Risks: driving too fast, eating too much, buying useless shiny crap because i liked the name of the shop or the person smiled at me from behind the counter, all really stupid things to do when im thinking rationally but at the moment its like a drive to self-destruct in a blaze of glory! To go beyond the limits of what i should be doing and risk it all on the roll of the dice, yeah!!

Re-reading this jumbled excuse for a post i wonder if anyone else can relate to this...?

Im ending it here before i get myself into a whirlwind of words again.

summary = grinning on the outside like the joker, inside self-destructing like a timebomb.

L7

I recently went through a bad episode. I had intrusive thoughts that my housemates were talking about my cleanliness and hygiene and I went on a 3-day house cleaning and showering spiral that amounted into a feeling that I was spiritually unclean and no amount of house cleaning and showering could fix that. I was paranoid and feeling emotionally dejected. It got to the point where I was wanting a final escape, as it were. My cousin happened to call me during all this and said he was feeling lonely and asked if I wanted to come over for dinner. That resulted in me staying at his place for a week. We spoke over a whisky about what is going on with me, and we came to the mutual conclusion that I had worked myself up over nothing, as usual. But while I am there I have the opportunity to reset my mind. I am home now, and I still have a little anxiety, but I am listening to RUSH and relaxing.

Hi again everyone, Hi Bulus Shabbaz

Im sorry and pleased at the same time after reading your post. Im sorry that you have been through a really tough time and those intrusive thoughts are a lot to deal with, i know. Im pleased that somehow the World balanced out for you and help was available when you needed it most (in a very mutually-beneficial way). Anxiety is constant for us, its just different levels of Anxiety-Noise and we will get through this, as we always somehow manage to do.

Update on my situation: work is a struggle but at least i still have my job. My manic episode cost me a fair bit of money so now im paying back what i owe to people. I am currently in the pause between cycles and its kind of like being at the top of the rollercoaster juuuust before it tips over the edge, I know whats coming but for now I am stable. Specialist appointment in a few weeks, which will be interesting if Covid keeps up and we have to do it by phone (Paranoia tells me everything is being listened to and recorded so it can be used against me) so I will prob just talk about the weather haha!

Shout out to all of you struggling to cope with the Dark Spiral at the moment and especially those who feel emotions more than others. Covid is making life very difficult for a lot of people so do your best to stay healthy, both body and mind, and remember to breathe once in a while.

L7