I'm posting because I haven't felt like myself, or felt anything at all recently. Emotionally numb, detached, directionless and lost. I guess I'm getting to the point where I don't recognise or feel familiarity with much at all, so I'm hoping writing will help in some way.
I'm not enjoying my university studies, work, connections with family and [most] friends. I feel like I shouldn't be living with my parent still but financially I need to right now. It's hard to know how to fix how I feel because I'm not sure what activities/relationships are temporarily feeling worse or what has truly changed. I have continued to make effort with maintaining relationships, exercising and eating relatively healthy in an effort to try and do the things that in theory, should help - even if I'm not noticing it at the moment.
I use to feel emotions intensely, which meant the good times were great (uncontrollable and unforced laughter with friends, joy in playing music, getting energy from entertaining others) but the hard times were intense (anxiety/panic attacks, depression). I seem to have flattened out into a constant lull of apathy or ambivalence towards everything, and find it really hard to make up conversation with people - just a complete mental block of thoughts, feelings and sensing the world. I've always been a people person, so completely drawing blank in conversation over the last 6-12 months has also made me feel worse about myself.
I guess I'm trying to work out how I can improve my situation, especially in the context of my psychologist being very busy at the moment. I'm usually booked in once/month, but I cancelled my last appt as I thought I had nothing to talk about. In hindsight, I don't think I was actually going well, it was the mental block tricking me a bit. Now I'm still 2.5 weeks away from the next appointment and feel like I need to go more regularly for a while.