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Forums / Grief and loss / Big Brother, Turbulent family relationships, grief is weird.

Topic: Big Brother, Turbulent family relationships, grief is weird.

12 posts, 0 answered
  1. GettingThereButLookAnotherStopSign
    GettingThereButLookAnotherStopSign avatar
    6 posts
    27 January 2022

    My brother just died a little over 2 weeks ago.
    I've had a few deaths the last few years, it's always a strange feeling.

    But, this is... I don't have the words.

    Those first two weeks I was mostly numb. These last few days, less numb.

    The arrangements have been an absolute nightmare. There's been family drama I really hoped we could all move past so we can focus on him.

    My brother had problems that hid his glorious heart. Unfortunately due to years of him being in and out of my life, some quite traumatic; we grew apart.

    As much as I loved him, and wanted to be able to have him in my life, I couldn't. Seeing him destroy himself and hurt the people we loved. I was always hopeful, but it was too hard.

    Everytime I did see him, I hugged him, and told him I loved him.

    Today I had a funny moment:

    My friend asked what was happening with him.

    I had a moment where I was confused, almost like I'd forgotten. For so long I was used to that question being about something he'd done or help he might've been getting or where he was staying. (In a way it was about where he was, because of the family drama... decisions haven't been finalised)

    Then my brain caught up to the question and, well "He Dead".

    I told my two friends I was talking to and we had a laugh.

    Now I'm up late and he's back in my head. There's occasional chuckles at something he did, said or would do or say. But there's alot of tears.

    I knew before but, now my emotions are just about ready.

    I knew this something of emotion would come and go.

    But it's so fast it hits like a tsunami. There's the warnings, the tide goes out, everything dries up, and then it comes right back devistating and flooding. (And you know it's gonna happen all over again)

    Writing all this has been good.

    I'm calmer now.

    I know his struggles are over. And though it's gonna hurt for all the people who care, it'll get easier.

    I don't know how many people can relate to this, and I don't know if it'll help. But we all experience different things in different ways.

    No one can tell you how you feel about someone or something, except you! Unfortunately, there's no answer sheet, you have to do your working out.

    Don't be afraid to think and talk about death. Don't be worried about appropriate.

    5 people found this helpful
  2. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
    6276 posts
    27 January 2022 in reply to GettingThereButLookAnotherStopSign

    hi and welcome.

    I am really sorry to hear about the death of your brother. It sounds like you cared very much for him. As you said, we each experience things (eg. grief) in different ways - there is no right or wrong way. Just your way. And how long it takes to work though this period is individual as well.

    Thank you for your sharing your story.

    I guess .. I hope there are people in your life you can talk you and who will support you in this time.

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Mum Chris
    Mum Chris  avatar
    329 posts
    28 January 2022 in reply to GettingThereButLookAnotherStopSign

    Hi

    Very sorry about your brother I lost my brother many years ago and I idolised him. We were separated by bad family dynamics and I always sort him out and saw him as often as I could.

    I saw a grief counselor because about 2 months later I lost it and screamed at my daughter and I realised I needed help. She told me to talk to him like he was still here and tell him all the things I wanted to say, cry or scream whatever I needed. She suggested I find a place that no one can hear me and get it out.
    It took me about 6 months before I could say his name without crying but now he is my sweet brother and no longer in pain. He’s with me in my heart forever

    Numb is good and very normal and probably very healthy. Gives you time to process

    MC

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Summer Rose
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    28 January 2022 in reply to GettingThereButLookAnotherStopSign

    Hello GettingThereButLookAnotherStopSign

    I am so very sorry for the loss of your brother. There may have been challenges along the way in your relationship but, at the end of the day, he was your brother and you loved him.

    It’s so lovely that you often told him how you felt about him. I’m sure those words and hugs meant the world to him.

    I know it hurts deeply now but as you said, you need to move through your grief in your own way and at your own pace. It will get better.

    I was only a teenager when I suddenly lost my dad. Nothing had ever hurt so bad before. I started a journal and wrote down everything I could about him and our life together and then added photos and mementoes.

    Forty years later I still have my journal and when I need my dad I know where to find him and can always hold him close to my heart.

    Please feel free to post any time you need support, to vent or just want to express yourself. Our community will walk with you.

    Kind thoughts to you

    1 person found this helpful
  5. GettingThereButLookAnotherStopSign
    GettingThereButLookAnotherStopSign avatar
    6 posts
    31 January 2022 in reply to Summer Rose

    Thank you, all of you who've replied.

    Today/yesterday was my birthday.

    I had a lovely day with close friends, the only people I've really hung out with since I found out.

    I had the usual wall posts and messages.

    But by the end of the day the only person who had called was my sister.

    I called my mum and she had gotten confused, she thought I didn't want to hear from her. And she'd discussed it with my brother so he thought the same. I told them both I loved them and am always happy to hear from them.

    I realised my others might feel the same and that I need to contact them again. I had messaged them, but I need to let them know I want to see them and that (I think) I'm ready.

    So I did. I called my best friend. We chatted. Bit of birthday stuff, bit of opinion catch up on recent events. And I told her I'd like to catch up but I'll probably need a cuddle on the couch D&M, full brief of what's happened.

    I also have a friend I want to catch up with who doesn't know, and I'd rather talk for a while about everything else in the world... before telling him about my brother. I think it'd be nice talking to someone who doesn't know.

    Anyway, it's late again and my brain wasn't ready to fall asleep. So I looked at some possible plans for the coming week and came on here.

    I loved reading all your responses, they made me cry in a good way.

    And after not being sure about it at first, I spoke to my brother as if he was here. (Although my housemates cat subbed in for him, she's a good therapy cat).

    I told him that although he wasn't physically there, he's in my heart always and some other stuff. I can't remember.

    I think I needed that.

    Although it was nice to have my birthday not about the grief, I think I did need that little moment just for him.

  6. GettingThereButLookAnotherStopSign
    GettingThereButLookAnotherStopSign avatar
    6 posts
    31 January 2022 in reply to Mum Chris

    I put a thank you and a personal follow-up on Summer Rose's post. But thank you.

    A friend of mine lost her mum last year, she said the same thing about the numbness. It's been good talking to her about some of these things.

  7. GettingThereButLookAnotherStopSign
    GettingThereButLookAnotherStopSign avatar
    6 posts
    31 January 2022 in reply to smallwolf

    Thank you. I replied to Summer Rose with a follow-up and a thank you.

    I am lucky to have some amazing friends who have been here this whole time (they were even there when I found out).

    Now that there's been some time and the more immediate planning is out of the way, I'm reconnecting with other friends.

  8. Summer Rose
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    Summer Rose avatar
    1735 posts
    31 January 2022 in reply to GettingThereButLookAnotherStopSign

    Hi GettingThereButLookAnotherStopSign

    So lovely to hear from you again and I’m glad our responses brought you some comfort.

    I’m glad you made it through your birthday in a way that met your needs. I’m sure it was bitter sweet.

    Connecting with others while grieving is really important because everyone hurting needs support. Good on you for reaching out to your mum and friend.

    A lot of people talk with the dead. It might sound funny but it can help. Everyone needs to find what works for them and you sound like you are working your way through it. Well done.

    I hope today is another better day yet again.

    Kind thoughts to you

    1 person found this helpful
  9. smallwolf
    Community Champion
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    smallwolf avatar
    6276 posts
    31 January 2022 in reply to Summer Rose

    Echoing the sentiments of Summer Rose.

    And happy birthday to you.

    1 person found this helpful
  10. GettingThereButLookAnotherStopSign
    GettingThereButLookAnotherStopSign avatar
    6 posts
    15 February 2022 in reply to GettingThereButLookAnotherStopSign

    Thank you all again.

    We're getting close to finalising arrangements for a celebration of life. (Some people are leaning towards a more emotionally relevant location with more arrangements to consider, some are thinking of overall convenience and costs).

    Anyway, tonight I was making more progress towards a form of eulogy. Some notes on what I might like to say.

    I started with a poem.

    But there's something I'm not sure if I'll put in the poem or just say before hand.

    One thing I will always remember, is how much he was like a

    Big

    Cuddly

    Puppy!

    He had these big brown eyes that were pretty much always full of love. They were so bright and happy.

    And if he hadn't seen me for a while, he would bound up overjoyed and almost knock me over.

    Anyway I was writing this in my notes crying, went to wipe my face and got a blood nose. (I've had a couple lately, connected with allergies. Handy tip: A lot of allergy nasal sprays have constricters. So I'll probably have some before the service.)

    1 person found this helpful
  11. Summer Rose
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    Summer Rose avatar
    1735 posts
    16 February 2022 in reply to GettingThereButLookAnotherStopSign

    Hello again

    I absolutely loved your story about your brother’s big brown eyes and the way he would almost bowl you over with excitement when he first saw you.

    What a wonderful picture to paint for all at the celebration of life! Absolute gold.

    I’ve written three eulogies in my life and it’s never easy. Putting pen to paper has a way of triggering memories and a torrent of emotions like nothing else.

    Take care of yourself while writing and good luck. I have no doubt that you will make your brother and family proud.

    Kind thoughts to you

    2 people found this helpful
  12. smallwolf
    Community Champion
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    smallwolf avatar
    6276 posts
    17 February 2022 in reply to GettingThereButLookAnotherStopSign
    In one of my roles I look after the streaming of funeral services and that obviously means I hear a few different eulogies. So they include something about the person's life. Some end with a audio visual presentation. Some start with a poem. There is no right or wrong way with delivery. You are sharing part their story and what they meant to you. I am sure you will be fine... This is reflected in how you speak of him.
    3 people found this helpful

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