Thanks for responding Croix.
One of the biggest reasons I feel conflicted is I do not feel in charge of my life anymore. I feel bounded by society rules, being engaged for nearly 9 years it is supposed to work out! We have gone through rough patches, I have had crushes, but nothing compared to this one. I saw it as a wake up call.
I no longer enjoy being with my partner and I feel as if I want to care for this other person. I cannot stand having two relationships at once, and yes I feel exactly the same.
This may sounds stupid, but I actually spoke to my friend about my problem. She said, feelings can change, if it does not feel right, better do something about it. My friends have all kind of understand how my partner has been in the past and I have never seen it as a "toxic relationship" until I started reaching out to people.
My partner was initially very threatened by the situation.
I was refrained to what I wanted to say initially, but i have opened up the conversation last night after we had friends come over. I have told her how I feel about the other person and I said the rational me can lie, but not my heart. Yes, I worry she may do something stupid if I do leave her.
I believe some part of me still wants this to work but more on an obligation level, instead of passion and love. She has made the comment previously regarding biological state as a female and I have wasted her prime.
I am so glad to hear that it is not my fault, because I have been blaming myself for 12 months on why did this happen to us and feeling I am the problem.
I am fortunate enough to have some really good friends that are always willing to chat and help me feel like myself again.
I have been thinking about the scenario of me leaving and might regret my decisions, but I have learnt that is part of life. In order for me to go forward I must leave something behind. I may not be able to love again, but at least I will not regret not doing something that I wanted to do.