I have only just escaped a toxic marriage that I had almost lost my life to. The man I married was for all the wrong reasons, tradition, everyone's opinion, family, settle too fast, me being hopeful, just everything was wrong with it. During the relationship there was no intimacy, no emotional talk, alot of abuse, it didn't feel like a relationship at all yet we still married, we lived in different rooms to eachother isolated the whole time. I tried to escape this marriage multiple times, running away, asking for a break up, asking for a divorce, each attempt resulted in friends and family being threatened, suicide threats and so much more, eventually I gave up and decided to stay even if it meant being lonely and forever one-sided, life was really miserable i was trapped and the only thing i could do was to keep effortlessly trying to repair something that was beyond repair and keep suffering the abuse, the neglect being cheated on and consistely shamed while covering up for all his actions to survive. One day, he introduced me to his friends, one of them changed my life. This guy was bright, celebrated my wins, tried to pick me up when i was down, made me feel comfortable with my flaws, was just as shy as me and taught me many things as we grew in life. It caught me off guard when I caught feelings for him, I was terrified, I knew it was impossible for me to be with him because I had already committed myself to his friend. So I kept denying the feelings I had for him for a long time during our relationship which only made things worse. To try stop the feelings I threw myself more at my ex, had a baby, tried to buy a house, my ex was the whole time completely uninterested with anything I did in the marriage. These things caused me even more heartache and pain because I was constantly rejected and here this amazing guy completely the opposite was sitting across from me who over the years seemed to be everything perfect I would consider in a guy and there was nothing i could do. After many years I finally built the courage to take my child and flee my marriage, to flee the abuse. I am fixing alot of broken things going through separation and have been thinking about this man as I heal, but can't seem to shake the feelings I have for him off. I am heartbroken because the people I talk to that did leave me behind family or old friends all disagree with my choice of feelings.. but no matter what I can't help but feel he may actually be the right one for me.