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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Confused about my grief

Topic: Confused about my grief

4 posts, 0 answered
  1. Nick’s mum
    Nick’s mum avatar
    1 posts
    9 April 2022
    My son died 9 weeks ago. He is my middle child and we had a very special bond and I loved him more than life itself. He was a much loved and desperately wanted IVF baby. I’m just not understanding my grieving process. The last 2 days it is like nothing has happened or changed, I just block it all or feel nothing and carry on as normal. I feel so guilty and like I must be a monstrous human being. Have I gone into denial? How can that be possible given my previous overwhelming grief? Tonight I’m back to crying…it’s a roller coaster. His father also suicided when my son was very young-2 and a 1/2. My youngest child (different father who also has significant mental health issues) is currently in a private health clinic for their grief further complicated by their pre existing mental health issues. I think I kept trying to rescue the men I married but just made things worse. The common denominator is me. I think about ending my own life because I am a failure as a mother and a human being. And I miss my son and want to be where he is, or if he isn’t anywhere, then not feeling so useless, hopeless and in pain. But my (now) husband who is completely wonderful has been so supportive and strong I would hurt him immeasurably if I died and I don’t know if my youngest would survive. I always told my son who suicided that when he was depressed or placing himself in dangerous situations to think about me because I would be right there with him, if he died, I would too. It was like a pact. So how do I choose? I’m trapped. I’m sorry if this doesn’t make sense, nothing makes sense to me at the moment. I feel like I’m losing my mind.
    1 person found this helpful
  2. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9780 posts
    9 April 2022 in reply to Nick’s mum

    Hi Nick's mum, welcome

    What a wonderful mother you have been and always will be.

    I gravitated to your post for several reasons. I'm 66yo. My late older brother suicided in 1979, my sister and myself attempted and we all have bipolar.

    Guilt!. Guilt is terrible and I suffered like you. "why didnt my brother ring me? Why didnt he give any indication of his plans, his depression?". Some things in life cannot be explained yet they leave us with guilt. Sometimes guilt is so entrenched you need grief counselling, so consider it please. Eventually I accepted that I'm a mere mortal that had no control over my brothers decisions but I did have control over my own life and its direction, which led me to here in 2013 to give to other people in distress. That leads me to the best thing about all my actions to cope with these issues- distraction.

    I've got a few threads helping you do this. You only need to read the first post of each. It will be worth your while dear kind mum. I've also posted a poem I've re-written for you.

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/depression-distraction-and-variety

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/the-best-praise-you'll-ever-get

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/when-all-is-lost-what-can-you-do-be-radical-

    THE HOUSE OF WAX

    He was busy with the pouring
    This old man’s name of Max
    So I toured his workplace while he toiled
    This holy house of wax

    There were inventors of a kind
    And starlets from the stage
    There were master minds of talent
    From another age

    There were heroes of the wars
    And leaders of a group
    There were figurines of wax
    From every allied troop


    I stopped to admire him work
    His name tag read just “Max”
    “You really are a marvel
    How you recreate with wax”

    I focused on his one off mould
    And marvelled when it set
    This figure of a lady
    on a forum I had met

    Her arms were open wide
    as if about to fly
    I asked a simple question
    I asked a simple “why”?

    Because she is cradling her kids
    Even though you cannot see
    It is the stance she had
    When they were young and free

    He continued to work away
    As his making of a sign did end
    And I was in total awe
    Of a mirror image of my friend

    He rolled out the final cast
    To place at Nick's mums feet
    This house of wax curator
    That I was glad to meet

    He placed the sign just right
    This single cast of one
    The sign read appropriately
    “This is the perfect mum”

    Repost anytime. Talk away

    TonyWK

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6832 posts
    9 April 2022 in reply to Nick’s mum
    Dear Nick’s mum

    Thank you for posting in our forum. We would like to compliment the significant courage you displayed by posting. You can use your considerable strength to help you successfully navigate through your normal grief.

    We understand that your grief is confusing you because it is different from what you expected it to be. Please try to be reassured that there is not any 'right way' to experience grief.

    We hope the following resource might help.

    The government provides GriefLine, free for people across Australia.
    1300 845 745 - from 6 AM to Midnight, AEST, every day.
    https://griefline.org.au

    We also encourage you to discuss your experience of grief with other supportive members of our community here on the forum.

    Warm regards,

    Sophie M.
     
  4. That Other Guy
    That Other Guy avatar
    125 posts
    13 April 2022 in reply to Nick’s mum

    I'm so sorry. I'm crying after reading what you wrote. I can't imagine the things you've gone through. That you're even still here tells me you're a strong person.

    You obviously feel grief. Your post screams that fact to me. You're dealing with things i can't even imagine coping with. Don't be mad at yourself for how you feel when you've been dealt such a blow, humans are complex and your brain is trying to protect you from being overwhelmed. Don't judge yourself, accept the support your partner is offering and just deal with things as they come. Theres no guidebook for this, no set of rules you need to follow. You don't owe anyone anything. You need to focus on being kind to yourself.

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