Online forums

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please complete your profile

Complete your profile

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community.

Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia.

Join the online community Community rules Coping during the Coronavirus outbreak

Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Feeling suicidal off and on

Topic: Feeling suicidal off and on

21 posts, 0 answered
  1. ktac1689
    ktac1689 avatar
    70 posts
    8 May 2021

    Hi,

    It has been a little while since I have been here. I am generally one step forward two steps back. I am working again and had not disclosed the events of last year or my suicide attempts with anyone there as I do not want them treating me like a freak. I love my job and I think it is one of the few things really keeping me here.

    I have a good GP and have had to wait for another psych appointment due to working full time. I have not been feeling well and sleeping a lot of the time when not at work. I have been feeling so irritable a lot of the time too and lost a friend recently because of it.

    I still don’t want to be here. I start every week thinking I will end things on the weekend but when the weekend comes I manage to change my plans. This has happened for weeks. I haven’t told anyone about this as I don’t want people to think I am attention seeking or whatever. I do not ever want to go back into hospital either. Is anyone else feeling this way?

  2. Guest_1643
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Guest_1643 avatar
    4854 posts
    8 May 2021 in reply to ktac1689

    yes ktac, recently i feel the same way.

    Unlike you, though, I do not love my job.

    It is hard to discuss these things with an employer - I'm not sure it's always a good move, although previously I found support from an employer through opening up. Luck of the drawer.
    How are u feeling at the moment, inside urself? do u feel this way all day, every day?
    happy to listen and share.

  3. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6838 posts
    8 May 2021 in reply to ktac1689
    Hi ktac1689,

    We are sorry to hear that you are struggling with these thoughts and we are glad that you are reaching out here on the forums for support. 
    We would strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).


     
  4. ktac1689
    ktac1689 avatar
    70 posts
    9 May 2021 in reply to Guest_1643

    Hi Sleepy21,

    I opened up to my last employer and I really wish I hadn’t. I won’t do that again. I do agree it is the luck of the draw.
    How am I feeling? Ending things is on my mind all the time especially when under stress but I have managed to control the thoughts by putting things off to the weekend. On the weekend I try to put it off to the end of the weekend. Last weekend I almost gave in but obviously managed not to. I feel pretty shit generally.
    Thank you for listening, I appreciate it.

  5. Guest_1643
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Guest_1643 avatar
    4854 posts
    9 May 2021 in reply to ktac1689
    hi ktac, i'm sorry you are struggling so much, I really feel for u with all u are going through.
    I can understand the risks of opening up to an employer.
    There is a lot at stake.
    I hope u can feel okay and find meaning and feel better. I struggle every day myself.
    I am grateful that you're sharing here and happy to listen anytime.
  6. ktac1689
    ktac1689 avatar
    70 posts
    9 May 2021 in reply to Guest_1643

    Hi Sleepy21,

    I hope you can find some peace too.
    ktac

    1 person found this helpful
  7. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    16471 posts
    9 May 2021 in reply to ktac1689

    Hello Ktac and Sleepy, your thoughts are very much appreciated and please realise that we are definitely so sorry these thoughts may keep reoccurring.

    Life for all of us is certainly very difficult, especially for those suffering from any mental illness because our thoughts vary from day to day to different levels of severity and from one day only having one reason to the next where several problems constitute our thoughts, but we can't determine what's going to happen tomorrow compared with today.

    It's a tricky decision whether or not you tell your employer, one day you may think it's OK but then regret it another day because their attitude has changed regarding work situations and may not be as responsive.

    By telling other people is not drawing attention, it's a cry out for help that we desperately are looking for, sometimes, unfortunately, the reaction is not positive, only because some people don't know how to deal with depression, either they've been through it themselves and don't want to travel back through it, or people are frightened as what to say, so they vanish, this is something we never know until we approach the situation.

    Remember any friend who does leave may return at some point, simply because they too, have been struck by a mental illness and need advice.

    Thankfully, there is a difference between thoughts and actions, things come and go and don't have to be acted on, and it may be something simple that has happened at the weekend that fortunately has changed your mind, that's a belief to keep us going and these need to be written down on some paper so you can show your psychologist at your appointment.

    Hope to hear back from you.

    Geoff.

    3 people found this helpful
  8. smallwolf
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    smallwolf avatar
    6286 posts
    9 May 2021 in reply to ktac1689

    Hi.

    Sorry to hear you are struggling with the suicidal thoughts. For myself the thoughts you speak of are more fleeting than ...

    I suppose I have been able to work out ways of dealing with those thoughts. And I will be honest and say that I stumble upon these ideas when chatting with my psychologist. I can share these if you would like me to.

    I also want to acknowledge the challenges you faced when telling your employer what you were going through. It is unfortunate some people are unable to understand what another person is going through.

    I Hope you are able to find some peace in writing here.

    1 person found this helpful
  9. ktac1689
    ktac1689 avatar
    70 posts
    6 June 2021 in reply to ktac1689
    Thank you to Sleepy21, Geoff, small wolf it means a lot that you care. Thank you for your suggestions.
    I know thoughts and actions are two different things I really do. Lately though the thoughts are constant and I cannot escape them. I feel like I have to do what the thoughts tell me or I will never have relief from them.
    I haven’t seen my psychologist in a while, I had to wait quite a while for an appointment and then when it finally came time I didn’t want to see her anymore.
  10. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6838 posts
    6 June 2021 in reply to ktac1689
    Hi ktac1689,

    Were sorry to hear that you are struggling so much with thoughts of suicide and that the thoughts are so constant. It must be so difficult for you right now, particularly dealing with this without seeing your psychologist for a while.

    We have contacted you privately to offer you support and there are other supports for you as well. There is Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). 

    You can also contact Beyond Blue Support Service who are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 

    You are not alone and the community is here to support you.  
     
  11. Kuroodetto
    Kuroodetto avatar
    2 posts
    6 June 2021 in reply to ktac1689

    Hi ktac,

    You said you are working. Does your employer offer EAP (Assistance Employee Program)? If they do, you can tap into that for free services. They have counsellors, psychologists etc. They usually offer services online, face-to-face for through Zoom etc. EAP is a confidential service, so nothing will get back to your employer. This may help you as an extra resource to use.

    Take care.

    1 person found this helpful
  12. ktac1689
    ktac1689 avatar
    70 posts
    26 January 2022

    Hi Kuroodetto,

    I am so sorry for the delay answering your post. Yes I do have EAP at my workplace but I think it is only for about 3 sessions. I have a psychologist already I see regularly. Thank you 😊

  13. ktac1689
    ktac1689 avatar
    70 posts
    27 January 2022 in reply to ktac1689

    Hi, it has been a while since I have been here. Things have been up and down but I feel I have made progress in some respects. I am still seeing a psychologist and doing my best to move forward.

    I realised today though that I am never going to be able to get close to people emotionally and am going to feel alone most of the time for the rest of my life. This thought made me feel so empty and that I am not sure I want to live the rest of my life feeling this way. While life can be beautiful, it can really suck too.

  14. smallwolf
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    smallwolf avatar
    6286 posts
    27 January 2022 in reply to ktac1689

    I just want to throw this question out there and you do not have to answer it...

    what does it look like to you to be close to people emotionally?

    I won't comment yet on my own experiences or thoughts in this area just yet. Suffice to say I am still on that journey.

    Another thing I do is called binary thinking. Well vs unwell etc. How I deal with this now, is seeing this like a journey to the top of a mountain. The mountain does not have any real height! Everything I go through each day part of the journey to the top of the mountain. In those times I am feeling low, that is going down into a valley and finding another way, an alternative way to the top - even a valley as to end a some point. While I might be worse that I was 2 weeks ago, I might be better than I was same time last year.

    For me this allows the possibility of some time reaching the top? vs never reaching.

    I can see that see and would have said similar things to yourself. And it took me able to 2+ years with my psych to get to the mountain analogy. Call ne a slow learner. We each have different ways of learning how to cope and deal with challenges.

    Listening ...

    1 person found this helpful
  15. ktac1689
    ktac1689 avatar
    70 posts
    27 January 2022 in reply to smallwolf

    Thank you smallwolf,

    What does it look like for me to be close to people emotionally? It looks like having some people in my life that I can just pick up the phone and call even late at night, and talk about anything and everything. People I am close enough to that I can just drop in to their place sometimes and they can drop in to mine. Feeling like I BELONG in the groups in my life (at least some of them!). Feeling like my opinion matters. Validated. Loved. Wanted. That is what being close looks like to me.
    I don’t have any of that really. Yes I have friends but I feel I always have to hold back what I am feeling and I feel like people just tolerate me and put up with me rather than actually want me as part of their lives.
    Thank you for sharing your mountain analogy. General challenges I can accept and do so pretty much every day. Not belonging is something I HAVE worked on in so many ways but nothing I try works. Maybe I am just meant to be a loner and I haven’t quite learnt that yet. Maybe that is my mountain to climb and learn to deal with or make peace with at least. I like what you said though, thank you.
    I don’t know what to do anymore, I can’t stand the thought of living and never ever fitting in anywhere. It is the one part of my life I just cannot fix

  16. ktac1689
    ktac1689 avatar
    70 posts
    28 January 2022 in reply to ktac1689

    Sorry smallwolf I pushed send before I was ready. I appreciate your kind words and for thinking of me. Thank you again.

    I thought though I could get past all this but really I can’t. As I said, the thought of being alone, never fitting in and being an outsider is something many others could live with but I can’t. It is really tough.


  17. Guest_1643
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Guest_1643 avatar
    4854 posts
    28 January 2022 in reply to ktac1689

    Hi, someone once said to me I should just stay a loner, marry another loner and live a loner life.

    So I can relate to how harsh that connotation is as it hurts me. I wouldn't accept it either.

    Maybe it's not Ur essence? Maybe connections and love are Ur true heart.

    I find ACT helpful for this, a value based therapy. I learnt through it that I value closeness and authenticity. I am forever pained by inauthentic relationships and conversations.

    I was wandering if Maybe u relate, ktac.

    Here to listen.

  18. ktac1689
    ktac1689 avatar
    70 posts
    28 January 2022 in reply to Guest_1643

    Hey Sleepy haven’t talked to you for a bit. It is very harsh that someone said to you to live a loner and marry a loner- what an an awful thing to say! And it makes me sad too. I hate being alone, I wish I was a loner and happy with my own company but I am not. Feeling alone makes me feel so sad and hopeless.

    I haven’t heard of ACT therapy, DBT I have. ACT sounds awesome. I definitely value closeness and authenticity too. Without it we don’t have anything really. I will check it out. I am doing schema therapy at the moment and it has stirred up a lot of stuff from my childhood. So sad people can be affected by stuff that happened so long ago in their lives.

    I am feeling the last few days like I just don’t want to try anymore as nothing is getting any better. Not sure therapy really is doing anything other than stirring things up that maybe shouldn’t be stirred up. It hasn’t helped in regards to relating to people and being able to form friendships etc. Sorry I feel like all I am doing is whining lately but really not feeling it. Feeling like to not be here at all is really a better option. Just how I feel that’s all. Humans are such social animals and without that well we shrivel well at least I do. And I have tried to connect. I hope you are managing to sleepy.

    1 person found this helpful
  19. smallwolf
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    smallwolf avatar
    6286 posts
    29 January 2022 in reply to ktac1689

    I thought about what you said about someone to talk to late at night.

    many thoughts popped not my head. I started watching a show on Netflix starring Christina Applegate and at a group therapy session thing swapped number with another person and were able to do that just what you described. The characters had sleep issues due to things that had happened to them.

    It must be quite disheartening to not be able to talk to someone on the phone. Perhaps to vent? Or just chat.

    I had also been told not to call anyone after 9pm - it's rude. MANY TIMES. It had to be an emergency after that hour. I suppose that stops me from doing what you want to do. is there anything that stops you?

    Hope you are doing OK.

  20. ktac1689
    ktac1689 avatar
    70 posts
    25 April 2022 in reply to smallwolf

    Hi smallwolf,

    Sorry it has been a while and I haven’t answered. I haven’t felt there is much point in posting. What stops me calling people late at night is that I feel they will be annoyed with me or they will not answer anyway. It really would be lovely to have someone I could call anytime day or night. Probably the last time I had someone like that was when I was in a relationship. I am close to my sister but would never call her in the middle of the night unless it was an emergency. I have friends but I am not really close to many people.

  21. ktac1689
    ktac1689 avatar
    70 posts
    25 April 2022 in reply to smallwolf

    Sorry Smallwolf I accidentally posted before I was ready. I feel very uncomfortable opening up to people even those I am close to. I think it is a little easier here because it is online.

    I have been feeling really down the last few weeks. My son moved interstate and, while I am excited for him and his new life, I feel almost like a death has occurred. I can talk to him and text him but life as I knew it has again ceased. I have already gone through this with my daughter a year ago when she moved states to live with her partner but this is worse. I feel like I am losing the people I most care about over and over even though I am happy for them.

    I think the ongoing covid situation and rain etc (insurance not even started my claim yet for flood related damage) now my son going has fired up my depression again. Big time. I feel like there is no point carrying on with anything right now.

    How are you going? I hope you are well and traveling ok. I know the show you were talking about, it was indeed relevant.

Stay in touch with us

Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones.


Sign me up