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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / I hate this time of year & everything about my life

Topic: I hate this time of year & everything about my life

  1. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    165 posts
    23 December 2021
    I'm suffering from chronic pain issues; auto immune related issues and a body that is basically falling apart. I have no family around except for a brother (and sister in law,and niece), who would rather spend time with their friends - even though I pushed myself to be there for their daughters birthday. My teeth are rotting because of pain meds and I have no way of paying for them to be fixed.. some are now are in my smile line and the idea of loosing teeth there destroys me. My extended family wanted me to join them on Christmas day except for the fact it would be just breakfast as they want to visit their significant others family (not to mention it's a 4 hour round trip for me on public transport on a public holiday), and I can barely function as I'm suffering from tinnitus and vertigo at the moment on top of my usual health issues. I'm struggling to get through to the rest of the year. I've been reaching out via text message to my closest friend - but he's been avoiding me. My other friend just doesn't believe how bad my mental state is; despite having her own issues with depression and suicide. Every year is another year where nothing is achieved and my "bucket list" is further away from ever happening. Even on the rare occasions I'm out socializing; people avoid me. I seem to just repel people. Having had years and years of people leaving me, it's not like I haven't tried - organizing parties at my place; inviting friends out for a girls night out etc... no one ever bothers returning the favor. No one checks up on me. My online friends only respond to me messaging them - and even that's not a guarantee of a reply. I'm tired of struggling with no support. I'm not living, I'm barely surviving. .. it's like I'm not even here. And I'm sure it wouldn't matter if I wasn't because people in my life just don't seem to care! And it's not like I have anything keeping me here - no partner, no kids, no pets. . Nothing at all.
    2 people found this helpful
  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6813 posts
    23 December 2021 in reply to Bbydoll
    Hi  Bbydoll,

    We are so sorry to hear about what you're going through; it sounds like it has been a tough time. Thank you for being part of our forums, it takes a lot of courage and strength to reach out for support and we are so glad that you have done so. We hope that you can get some support here, the community will be here to listen and chat with you. You can also reach out to Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or Lifeline 13 11 14.  We have sent you a private email so that we can support you further.
     
    1 person found this helpful
  3. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    267 posts
    23 December 2021 in reply to Bbydoll

    Thank you for sharing your situation.

    Please seek emergency help immediately. You need help as I did (still do)

    It saved my life and you'll be amazed how fantastic people are.

    Chris

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    165 posts
    23 December 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Hi Chris,

    That's easier said than done! When I'm not motivated to do it. I'm physically, emotionally, mentally exhausted. I'm having stomach pain after eating that radiates into my back, so either my gallstones or I have a stomach ulcer - on top of everything else that I've mentioned above. And as I said above I have no one to help me.

    The people in my life have taught me 2 things. They rarely help and if they do get close they use and/or abuse me and leave.

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    267 posts
    23 December 2021 in reply to Bbydoll

    As previous I encourage you to seek help.

    No it isn't "easy".

    I've looked down the Derwent Bridge and I'm here.

    How can and others help?

  6. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    165 posts
    24 December 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    If I had help/support from people around me things would be different. At least I'd feel like I was supported and like my life actually mattered.. etc. But I don't see how my life is ever going to improve when my body keeps falling apart. And I can't afford to have my teeth fixed. I even emailed my local member of Parliament and they didn't help! I already look like a freak.. I am, fat and scarred from lots of surgeries. I walk with a cane even though I'm only in my 40s. Etc

    I'm already dealing with so much physical health issues that aren't getting any better despite me following doctor's orders.. everything just keeps on spiraling out of control.

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Guest_1643
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Guest_1643 avatar
    4854 posts
    24 December 2021 in reply to Bbydoll

    Hi bbydoll.

    How are u today? I know how u feel....no family here either and thsi time of year comes with triggers and sadness.

    Re Ur friends not messaging u back... What came to mind was if u could distance urself fro, friends who aren't there for u....

    I used to have friends who were really unreliable and even rude at times, through going though my own crises and needing them.... I saw who wasn't there. I had to leave them behind.

    The bonus is that good ppl might enter Ur life and take the space of those who don't care.

    U deserve a message back. Or just a sense that the person believes u and wants the best for u,

    1 person found this helpful
  8. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    165 posts
    24 December 2021 in reply to Guest_1643

    I only have 2 friends in my life that I see both are very unreliable. One guy. One girl. The guy I'm close too is married and it's difficult to see him because his wife hates me because I have feelings for him and they both know this. And because we have such a strong connection. The girl is from high school and works incredibly long hours and I mostly text her - even if I do see her, she's on her phone a lot.

    No one in my life makes me a priority. No one chooses to spend time with me - there's always excuses. I'm clearly not important.

    If I distance myself from them any more. I have even less to live for. I sent a private message to my brother on Wednesday and a text message today Friday about whether or not he wanted to drive to my place and pick up their Christmas presents and mum's Christmas presents for tomorrow - Christmas day. Usually we see mum on Christmas eve. He hasn't replied to either of these texts.

    I don't drive. I don't work. I don't have much of a social life as when I go out. I'm by myself and I'm ignored anyways. I tried to get into a local uni -20 minutes away on the train but that only made my health worse. I've had several attemps at this.

    I have nothingto live for.

    1 person found this helpful
  9. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6813 posts
    24 December 2021 in reply to Bbydoll
    Hi Bbydoll,

    We are sorry to hear that no one in your life makes you a priority and that you feel so unimportant. We want to remind you that all life is important, including yours and the fact that you have come here to share with us just proves that you have such significant strength. We understand how hard it can be, especially around such a busy time of year and want you to know that you never have to go through this alone, and support is always here for you.

    If you would like to talk to someone, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

    We also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

    We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.
  10. Guest_1055
    Guest_1055 avatar
    7657 posts
    24 December 2021 in reply to Bbydoll

    Oh Bbydoll hello,

    You popped into my thoughts maybe a couple of days ago. Can't quite remember. I said hello to you on another thread of yours.

    I don't have advice or anything. Just saying another hello I guess.

    1 person found this helpful
  11. Petal22
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
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    Petal22 avatar
    2124 posts
    24 December 2021 in reply to Bbydoll

    Hi Bbydoll,

    Im sorry to hear of your chronic pain I understand it must be difficult for you.

    Please tell your self good things about yourself…….

    Our outer physical body isn’t who we are and it doesn’t define us.

    On the inside we all hold a beautiful light, just keep feeding yours with positive thoughts….

    Have you been able to discuss with your gp about the way you are feeling?

    Your not alone

    1 person found this helpful
  12. Guest_1643
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Guest_1643 avatar
    4854 posts
    25 December 2021 in reply to Guest_1643

    Hey baby doll

    Staying around in a situation like eg where u have feelings for a married friend to me looks like part of the difficulties, not the solution giving u hope to live for. Such a situation would make anyone feel bad or less than.

    It's really hard having friends who don't check up on u or care, and during the pandemic for many of us that's hurt a lot, when ppl around us didn't even send a text to check that those of us alone are managing.

    I wander if ppl think u are managing well because u appear together or independent. I've been told that before ut I don't know if I buy it,

    U deserve care and support, a text , a call. It takes a while to find decent ppl who will offer that, but if they don't, in my opinion, it's not ur fault.

    2 people found this helpful
  13. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    165 posts
    25 December 2021 in reply to Guest_1643

    Hi Shelll, hope you're well😊

    Petal22 - most people are judged right away on their looks. It's nothing new. I'm in a particular rough neighborhood and I know that I will be labeled as a drug addict for missing teeth. Nevermind the fact I'm single. No guy wants to date a woman with missing teeth. Not that it matters because I can't even get a date for a coffee! Let alone anything else.

    Sleepy21- He is my closest friend. The fact he is married - is a complication, in that I can't see him often. He is my only friend who openly lets me talk about my struggles and doesn't judge me for it. I am not looking to ruin a relationship or have an affair, I told him a few years ago before the feelings developed that I wasn't looking to be anyone's seconds.

    I have posted on Facebook about my physical health battles and how I'm struggling with them. I only have about 50 friends on there and the only ones who ever comment on the posts are overseas friends with health issues and 1 friend who lives interstate. None of my friends that live locally or that I knew from school etc.

    How do you expect me to find "these people" exactly?? I have no life. I can't work. I can't study on campus. I can't even get a coffee date (from different online sites)... I rarely leave the house ..

  14. Guest_1643
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Guest_1643 avatar
    4854 posts
    25 December 2021 in reply to Bbydoll

    Hi,

    I'm can't offer more on this thread as I am not finding it an easy conversation for me.

    Hoping you find support here 🙏

    I

    1 person found this helpful
  15. Petal22
    Community Champion
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    Petal22 avatar
    2124 posts
    25 December 2021 in reply to Bbydoll

    Hi Bbydoll,

    People can think what they like and hold the perceptions of you that they wish………… but………. these thoughts are in your mind and we truly can’t read some one else’s mind and truly know what they are thinking……The most important thing is what thoughts you put in your mind about yourself. 😀

    Be open to meeting someone for you…. He’s out there…. Stay positive to that….

    Love is always around us…

    Have loving thoughts

    Make others feel loved

    Attract love into your life

    Think positive………… the more negative we are the more negativity comes into our life…….

    The more positive we are the more positive comes into our life…..

    Change your thoughts and perceptions think from a place of LOVE and then watch your life transform in front of you.

    1 person found this helpful
  16. Guest_1055
    Guest_1055 avatar
    7657 posts
    25 December 2021 in reply to Petal22
    Thankyou Petal, I know you were writing to Bbydoll. But I also found your post quite encouraging. Thankyou
    1 person found this helpful
  17. Petal22
    Community Champion
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    Petal22 avatar
    2124 posts
    25 December 2021 in reply to Guest_1055

    Hi Shelll,

    Thats ok I’m glad that you found my post encouraging. 😊❤️

    It really is possible to change our mind sets……. It takes practice and perseverance but it can be done.

    Each day when we wake in the morning we need to make an intension of how we want to live the day…………. With LOVE then make that day come from that place inside us…

    Love holds the highest vibration on earth and living in that vibration is amazing.

    Negativity holds a very low vibration and doesn’t feel very nice…..

    So we need to practice to be coming from a place of love..

    If I’m ever not happy with someone I say to myself what would love do …… I always have my answer and move forward in this beautiful vibration that we as humans all hold….. we just need to seek it and believe it’s there……..

    1 person found this helpful
  18. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    165 posts
    25 December 2021 in reply to Petal22

    Petal22 - yeah that changes everything. I've had health issues all my life. Ever since I was a teenager people have either used or abused me and left me for whatever reasons. I've been single for 11 years. I don't see myself being with anyone because they do not accept me with my health issues. The only relationship I was in; the guy just used me as a backburner.. he never wanted to make our relationship official. He only took me out twice in 6 years and never stayed over etc.

    Not surprising that the only text I got today (Christmas) was from my male friend about 10 minutes ago. Not from my brother, or any family or friends.

    I'm struggling financially (I'm on the dsp), physically (as mentioned above), emotionally (PTSD, depression/anxiety) etc.. thinking positively doesn't change a thing. Believe me I tried all through my 20s. It didn't stop me being admitted to the ICU several times. It didn't stop me from having my colon removed and me having to wear a colostomy bag. YES! In my 20s... it didn't stop all the complications; all the extra surgeries, all the medications. Or the relationship and friendships etc. It changed absolutely nothing. I've still had to battle all these things and mostly alone.

    So I've tried and it doesn't work. What's the point in anything. If all I'm doing is constantly struggling with everything in my life

  19. Petal22
    Community Champion
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    Petal22 avatar
    2124 posts
    25 December 2021 in reply to Bbydoll

    I’m really sorry you are feeling this way Bbydoll…….

    I understand it would be difficult for you.

    If you feel up to it maybe you could call one of our caring councillors 1300 22 4636.

  20. Chris_Tas
    Chris_Tas avatar
    267 posts
    25 December 2021 in reply to Petal22

    Please try and take it easy. (easier said than done yes I know).

    Positives in future as we are lucky compared to many others? (cancer etc)

  21. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    165 posts
    26 December 2021 in reply to Chris_Tas

    Chris_Tas. The general public understand cancer. They don't understand auto immune disease or chronic long term health issues and pain. My blood related cousins have health issues but no where near the severity of mine AND they have support from their husband and husband's family.

    I even managed to get ridiculed in public by my neighbors - 2 slightly older woman because my weight has ballooned because of medications and illness. Of course they blamed me for it, for stuffing my face.

  22. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    165 posts
    29 December 2021 in reply to Bbydoll

    To add to all the stuff I've been posting. I've been very unwell with gallstone pain. My tummy has been so sore but not sore enough to be taken up to the emergency department. I can barely manage to eat anything without being in physical pain and end up hugging a heat pack and lieing down because it's the only way to relieve the pain. Everything I eat also brings on waves of nausea as well. Had several days of fever but that seems to have subsided.

    This year is almost over; but even with covid I've achieved nothing. It feels like I'm waiting to die. Because there's not much to look forward too. Everytime I try and move forward with my life - my health (or myself) manages to ruin it so nothing happens. I'm so tired of being a failure - the last time I attempted to study at the local university campus. I missed the first week because of a cold (precovid). Went the entire second week. On the Monday of the 3rd week - I ended up in the emergency department with a suspected pulmonary embolism - although they did also find a blood clot in my leg as well. I was put onto blood thinners for 3 months which is standard treatment for this. I bled heavily for 3 months straight. I Ended up with 2 iron infusions and 2 blood transfusions - but they found antibodies within my blood, so it's now virtually impossible for me to ever receive another one because of this! So of course because I have no support, I had to stop going to uni. I wish I could say this was a rare event but this has been what my life has been like. ALL. MY. LIFE.

  23. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    165 posts
    30 December 2021 in reply to Bbydoll
    So i wrote to my local member for parliament who forwarded my letter to the minister for health to try and get help with my teeth. But of course it's a dead end. They don't do crowns. Only take out teeth and do fillings. I can't afford over $4000 work of work. And that's provided they can save both of them. They will do full dentures but on a waiting list. This doesn't help me at all. I've been through too much to have to deal with this as well.
  24. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    165 posts
    3 January 2022 in reply to Bbydoll

    I've begun binge eating again. Because that ties into my self loathing especially because I'm bound to gain extra weight, when I'm already at my heaviest and fast approaching a size 24. I went to the shops to get some groceries first thing this morning. Came home ate myself silly. Then have done 3 small loads of washing. But because of my chronic health - I have had to lie down whilst the washing is done in the machine because I am physically exhausted from the small walk I did this morning. Tomorrow I have an early appointment with my GP to get my monthly meds. Plus I will be discussing my flare of gallstones over Christmas - and hope that he doesn't prescribe anything else for that. I was supposed to see my new surgeon in December to discuss surgery for my gallstones - but put the money towards tickets to see moulin rouge in Sydney later in the year. Pretty dumb because I couldn't really afford it like everything else in my life. But I have been watching all the clips while it's been running in Melbourne when theater was actually up and running.

    It's not like surgery will happen anyways, unless it becomes an emergency. I'm still waiting for 2 other separate surgeries but with covid happening - plus I'm sure there's a backlog of people needing surgery as well.

  25. Guest_1055
    Guest_1055 avatar
    7657 posts
    4 January 2022 in reply to Bbydoll

    I am hearing you Bbydoll. Is it helping you to just vent it all out on here? Just dump everything out from within you. I feel all I can do is listen to you.

    If you can make do financially, I say good on you for buying the theatre tickets. And gives you something to look forward to, and you do like that kind of stuff.

  26. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    165 posts
    9 January 2022 in reply to Guest_1055

    Hi Shelll, thanks for reading my posts! And for replying to them. I can't afford the shows. Luckily, I've already paid for most of the shows in the previous 2 years, but because of covid they've been postponed until this year and of course there's no guarantees that they'll go ahead this time either.

    I'm currently the heaviest I've ever been - and that includes when I was in my 30s and my weight balloned from medication. My back hurts so badly from the excess weight. I can't really go out right now because of the large numbers of covid cases and because I'm at risk of serious complications if I get covid. So that limits my exercise. One of my so called friends basically left me a message on Facebook - for everyone to see; saying that I shouldn't go to the shows because I'm at risk of getting covid. But I've already paid for these tickets!! So much for supportive friends. She has been stuck living with her mum in the country and doesn't have access to public transport like I do - and I think part of it is jealousy because she can't get out and about on her own. She has to rely on her mum to take her anywhere.

    I hate the way I look. I hate being held back in my life because of my lousy health. I hate struggling financially. If I could physically work - I'd do literally anything. ANYTHING to get some money. I'm not qualified to do anything because I have never completed any courses because I have never been well enough to complete anything. I have a slow laptop but no money to pay for the Internet on it. My phone barely lasts more than an hour or two if I'm online and using it before it needs to be charged and when it does I can't use it

    .. it needs to be replaced and I've told my brother this but of course he doesn't offer to help me either by lending me some money, so that I can do it or by buying a phone outright. I can get an advanced payment from centrelink to cover it but it means I'm down $100 each time I'm paid for the next 6 months!!!

    Life is so unfair. Because I am constantly fighting just to survive and I'm so tired of fighting it. It's not like anyone in my life actually cares about me.

  27. Guest_1055
    Guest_1055 avatar
    7657 posts
    11 January 2022 in reply to Bbydoll

    That's ok Bbydoll. Hey what made you call yourself Bbydoll? Just interested is all, it's such a cute name.

    Yeah about the exercise... Just attempt to move around a bit even it is inside your place. If you are not doing that already that is. If you are physically able and willing maybe you could lift tins of food. Just use them like weights. Up down.. Up down. Might be fun.

    Maybe this is not right I really don't know. And I hope I understand you ok. Wonder though instead of fighting... maybe simply accept all these limitations. And just work with what you are able to do and change little by little.

    I am hearing you.... Do you think you have some hidden frustrations or anger deep inside you? Think it would be humanly normal if you did.

    I really hope you get the opportunity to go to the theatre.

    Much care to you Bbydoll

    Shell :)

  28. Bbydoll
    Bbydoll avatar
    165 posts
    15 January 2022 in reply to Guest_1055

    Hi Shelll, bbydoll - is babydoll from a song😊

    I've been dealing with a flare of fatigue at the moment - so I'm sleeping a lot. So not moving a great deal. I was supposed to see a musical last week but it's been postponed until next week - so I have 2 of them to go too; if I can manage it. Other than that I haven't left my apartment for anything else.

    I'm massively frustrated with everything I'm dealing with. I'm in my 40s and have had health issues my entire life. And ever since I was a teenager; I've had to deal with it on my own with little to no support from everyone around me. I rarely bother askingfor help because there's always a reason why they can't do something. Not to mention that I have missed out on so much. I'll never have kids - and that kills me; because I have always wanted kids. I couldn't afford IVF; otherwise I would have done that years ago. I'm fairly certain that my body is already perimenopausal. And I don't have a partner either. I follow all my doctor's advice and still end up getting sicker year by year. So I have to rely on the government to be able to survive. And I hate it!!! If I could save enough for a holiday overseas (or if my brother paid for a trip overseas etc); I could only go overseas for 4 weeks - no longer; as they cut you off your payments. I hate not achieving anything. I hate having limits on what I can afford to do and see etc. I hate that because of my health issues I don't achieve anything

  29. Guest_1055
    Guest_1055 avatar
    7657 posts
    16 January 2022 in reply to Bbydoll

    Ah I see about the Babydoll. Did you have one whilst growing up at all? I had a doll like a barbie doll kind.

    Gee I hope you are able to go to the musical next week. And that you feel well enough to go. That would be so good wouldn't it... I have watched quite a few movies that were musicals. Have you? But it doesn't quite have the same atmosphere as a live performance I found.

    I am sorry you were not able to have children. It can feel a bit like grief that one. Not sure what else to say about that... Just I am sorry.

    I can see you hate it... Hate many aspects of your life.

    I will write a bit more soon....

    1 person found this helpful
  30. Guest_1055
    Guest_1055 avatar
    7657 posts
    16 January 2022 in reply to Bbydoll

    Can you look for 1 thing to be happy or thankful about each day? It may sound strange or maybe you have already done that sort of thing. It can be a challenge some days.

    Anyways see you later Bbydoll

    Shell

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