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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Never been so lost (content warning: distressing themes)

Topic: Never been so lost (content warning: distressing themes)

25 posts, 0 answered
  1. LCS
    LCS avatar
    16 posts
    16 September 2021

    I have been through a lot over the last couple of years and I don’t know how much more I can take.

    It all started ok and then over time my 25 yr marriage began to break down. One issue was I was never violent or confrontational which led to my ex making me argue and talk. Over time I focussed on the negatives including seemingly not being able to do anything right. Intimacy was lost barring maybe once a year or so. She told me she had no feelings down there after the children and didn’t enjoy it and I believed her and wasn’t one to push things. I then found a large stash of sex toys which when I questioned her she claimed they weren’t for personal use which I know is a lie. I also found a sticky note stuck to a toy with a work directors number on it that I never questioned her about. She also said something in bed which I never disclosed to anyone but wasn’t good. I turned to online porn and chatting to others. I went through the unexpected loss of my sister and a few weeks later lost my mum to dementia. My daughter announced on social media she was transgender and there were many other things happening at the time.

    I then did something that appals me to this day and others may feel that I don’t deserve to live. I have spent time in prison, thousands in counseling and a program I chose to do on the outside to help understand and prevent this happening again especially given my own experiences of abuse which some don’t believe happened.

    I feel like no matter what I do I will never be able to make amends. I recently was terminated from my dream job just because of rumours.

    I had started a new relationship 5 months ago and disclosed this to the lady I was seeing a few weeks in when it became obvious we were really enjoying each other’s company and things were moving forward. It was a difficult conversation to have but I didn’t want to hide it. The relationship was on and off for 5 months and despite her saying she would support me and saw me for who I was not what I did I don’t think she ever stopped worrying about what others would think if they found out and it has now ended.

    not enough room for everything but I feel worthless and world is better without out me and no one love me

  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
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    6838 posts
    16 September 2021 in reply to LCS
    Dear LCS

    It sounds like you've been through alot, together with significant grief and loss over your relationships. It takes a lot of courage to reach out to our online community and we’re really glad that you have.

    Even though you're remorseful of past actions, we want to remind you that all life is important, including yours and you have significant strength and deserve to live, not just survive.

    We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you and we trust that our online members will stop by to provide some support. 

    We want you to know that there is always extra support available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

    We hope that you stay safe but strongly urge you that if you feel like acting on thoughts of ending your life, then this is an emergency and you should contact 000 immediately.
     
    Keep checking back in with us whenever you need to.
     
    1 person found this helpful
  3. Learn to Fly
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    16 September 2021 in reply to LCS

    Hi LCS,

    As Sophie said: thank you kindly for reaching out and joining us here on the forum. It takes a lot of courage to bring up such personal issues, even if it’s anonymous. Sometimes the courage is needed just to face these uncomfortable truths by ourselves. To face them, name them, become accountable, remorseful and eventually working hard to help to fix the things up and preventing them to ever happening again. From yourself or others. You seem to be doing all of these things and as I said: it takes courage to go through all of these processes. Courage, energy, efforts. Appreciate this in yourself and work on finding other values in you that make a change. A positive change to you or others, even if they don’t know that they owe this to you. Learn to appreciate yourself and how hard you have been working to improve and change the strong tides in your life.

  4. LCS
    LCS avatar
    16 posts
    16 September 2021 in reply to Learn to Fly

    I just wish others could see that I have not been and will not ever be a repeat offender.

    People may feel that what I am about to say is common sense and I should have known and probably they would be correct, but, through doing the program I chose to do (not because a court or someone else made me) I understand how much people get hurt from this behvaiour.  I was lucky that the people that subjected me to sexual abuse in my early teens did not have the means to publish and distribute what they did. I was told I could report this and it would be taken seriously but I don’t feel that I could prove it.

    I could understand if I was a habitual or repeat offender but to be tarnished and judged for life over what happened over a couple of months is difficult and to be treated like shit and told I need a bullet is not helpful. People try to justify and ignore their own bad behaviour in the hope that highlighting mine makes theirs acceptable.

    Even the person I fell in love with got her licence suspended for drink driving and then for a further 12 months for driving suspended. She was big into drug taking years ago and even told me about a son that had to get out of the country before being charged for selling drugs and being deported. I don’t judge her for any of this, it’s in the past but the way people dismiss that behaviour and then want to kill me for mine is tough to swallow. I am sure if you spoke to someone who lost someone to drink driving, suspended driving or drugs they would have a completely different opinion of things.

    i can’t lie to a lady about what I did even though it disgusts me and it’s not who I am or what I believe is acceptable so I think for me the chances of finding anyone are over.

    It’s also not helping with my son and his pregnant girlfriend living rent and chore free under my roof with zero respect for me or my house.

    I guess for some people no amount of time or good will ever be enough. Today I feel a little better but other days I just feel like I don’t deserve to be here and maybe it would be easier if I wasn’t and they can have whatever they want

  5. Ggrand
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    17 September 2021 in reply to LCS

    Hello Dear LCS,

    I read your post as I do another posts here non judgementally...and feel that you did do wrong, but you learnt from it, done your time, have been doing counselling and are very sorry for your mistake...and definitely won’t re-offend.....You have chosen the right way to walk on your journey of your life since being released....

    I don’t think that you can ever change a person from judging you...and I’m sorry you are constantly judged....We can’t undo the past...but you can try to move forward and live the best life we can...Which by your words you are doing...

    It would be hard to tell anyone what you have done in the past...I really do commend you for your honesty with this lady you were seeing and I’m sorry she broke up with you...If she had loved you for the person you are now..I think she would have supported you....

    Please don’t give up on trying to find peace in your life...or finding someone that will care enough for you to be supportive of you...

    Maybe a little talk to your son and his pregnant girlfriend about having some respect for you and the home you have very kindly let them live in...might help...idk...but I’m thinking if he was ashamed of you...he wouldn’t want to be near you...but he is with you, living with you so he still must be acknowledging you as his father...

    I hope I’ve not said anything to offend you at all...I read your post when you first posted but found it very difficult to talk to you...not because of your past...but because this is a very delicate subject and I didn’t want to say wrong towards you or the other people reading or posting....

    My kindest thoughts Dear LCS..

    Grandy..

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Learn to Fly
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    18 September 2021 in reply to LCS

    Thank you for your response, LCS.

    I am wondering: have you ever heard or checked if there are any support groups that you feel might be of assistance to you? Online meetings (due to Covid)? I wouldn’t know, if there are a lot of people living in a similar circumstances as yourself but even joining a group of ex offenders of various crimes trying to genuinely find their feet back in the society and struggling with the same society’s judgment, blame, lack of support etc. What do think of that? Maybe you have already tried it.

    Also, I agree with excellent suggestions from Grandy and mainly the one about having a chat to your son and his girlfriend. You shouldn’t feel uncomfortable in your own house and it would be welcome to see them appreciate your willingness to help them out.

  7. LCS
    LCS avatar
    16 posts
    18 September 2021 in reply to Learn to Fly

    Hi,

    Yes I tried an ex offenders group and I found many of them trying to justify their actions and thinking they were pretty smart by not reporting things to the police that they should be. All in all I found it very distasteful and these are not the sort of people I wish to associate with.

    As for the son and girlfriend, unfortunately they just say what you want to hear at the time and I think my only choice is too actually sell the house to get them out because they just ignore me and my requests for financial assistance and help around the house. They won't wash their own dishes, they spill paint and rubbish around the place while he works on his car that he was going to have fixed a year ago. It's got to the point where I had to go and buy a new vacuum cleaner because they refuse to return mine and have put a lock on the door. I now keep toilet paper and clothes detergent in my room locked away. They use everything including the dryer at night when I use the washing line (can only get to 1/2 of it because of his broken down car) to try and save money. They buy junk food and car parts and live on the dole between jobs. It's pathetic and if I try to reason with them all i get is ignored, threats of violence or threats to plaster my photos, address and what I did 2 years ago all over facebook.

    It's part of the reason the lovely lady I met broke up with me, because of their disrespect.

    I called the police, but they just lie to the police and he has even admitted as much.

  8. Learn to Fly
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    21 September 2021 in reply to LCS

    Hi LCS,

    Sounds like you have definitely tried quite a few things to improve the things between yourself, your son and his girlfriend. Selling a house sounds like a serious move and I am sure this would not be a light decision for you. Sometimes, as difficult and stressful as they are, new beginnings can bring unexpected turnarounds in our lives. I don't want you to feel like I am throwing big ideas at you but you sound quite desperate and you had mentioned the possible sale of the house by yourself, so my question is: would you or have you ever considered starting everything completely anew? Moving to another town or city and giving yourself a second chance and a new start in life? Please disregard my suggestion, if this is too big for you at the moment or completely out of place.

  9. LCS
    LCS avatar
    16 posts
    24 December 2021 in reply to Learn to Fly

    A couple of months on and yet again it’s all gone tits up.

    I booted my son and his girlfriend out after escalating violence.

    I get that disclosing what I did is difficult for any potential partner to get their head around and I hate myself for that behaviour but I can’t hide it because if it comes out it will just make things worse.

    I thought I found that perfect lady and even though the last 7 months have been on and off again it looks like me disclosing my shit behaviour earlier in the relationship is a dealbreaker despite all the assurances I was given that my honesty was appreciated and it would be the best Christmas and birthday it’s all come tumbling down.

    I took down the Christmas tree we put up together and have no idea what to do with the Christmas cake we baked together and fed for months. I am completely devastated and have had my heart broken into so many pieces again and again that I won’t ever give it away again.

    The pain is unbearable and I left her presents at her house outside tonight in tears. There won’t be anymore relationships. I can’t go through the pain of having to disclose my offending to someone I fall in love with.

    We looked at houses together and were planning a future together. She was always top of my list to the point where maybe I neglected myself a bit to put her needs first. This list is endless and I just wanted her to see I was a good person and that I truly loved and cared for her especially when she had been in a long term relationship with a narcissistic husband who treated her badly.

    I feel completely gutted and lost. My past seems like it will haunt me forever denying me jobs and a living relationship. Already been sacked from one job unfairly based on nothing but rumours but it was too expensive to fight it.

    Yes I did wrong and I was punished for that. For 2 years since I dobbed myself in effectively I have been battling with the consequences and never even considered reoffending which will be proven when I reach the end of my life.

    Tonight on the way to work I actually thought about how I could be back with my mum and down-syndrome sister in heaven.

    I think most everyone would be happier if I was gone, life doesn’t feel worth it anymore

  10. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
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    6838 posts
    24 December 2021 in reply to LCS
    Hey LCS

    Sounds like she means alot to you and that youre really struggling at the moment. Christmas time often makes things even harder.

    Know that you are not alone and our online community here for you. We have sent you a private message as we are concerned about you. Please check your inbox.

    Please remember that if at any point you wish to act on thoughts of suicide, then this is an emergency and you should contact 000 (triple zero).
  11. LCS
    LCS avatar
    16 posts
    24 December 2021 in reply to Sophie_M

    Thanks for your concern but I am honestly not worth it.

    She means everything to me but that’s gone and maybe I deserve that for what I did 2yrs ago.

    They say honesty is the best policy but I am not sure it is. My punishment for the rest of my life is to not be loved, be single and have my short period of offending made to feel like that’s all I ever was and will ever be just to make other people feel better about the shit they do and hide

    I feel like my life is over

  12. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
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    6838 posts
    24 December 2021 in reply to LCS
    Hey LCS

    We hear you but every life is important including yours. We realise it may not feel it right now, but with the right support, we can learn to feel resilient again. As previously mentioned, we have sent you a private message as we are concerned about you. Please check your inbox.

    Please remember that if at any point you wish to act on thoughts of suicide, then this is an emergency and you should contact 000 (triple zero).
  13. LCS
    LCS avatar
    16 posts
    25 December 2021 in reply to Sophie_M
    I am soo down today, I spoke with my Dad and he's pretty much the only one I have left. I am scared that I'll go to hell even though I am not really religious. I think today could be the day my pain finally ends. No-one really cares, some people will be dancing in the streets, so I may as well make someone happy
  14. Ggrand
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    25 December 2021 in reply to LCS

    Hello dear LCS..

    Im so pleased you spoke to your dad and he is there for you..

    Even though we all could be hundreds even thousands of miles away, and we don’t get to physically see another person from Beyond Blue...we are here for you and we do care....

    I am just popping in to wish you a very Merry Christmas..and hope that in some way the light of Christmas will enter your beautiful soul today and give you some peace...

    Lots of Christmas hugs if you like hugs....I think everyone does...and if I could physically give them to you I would..,

    My care lovely LCS...🎄🎄💚❤️🎄🎄💚❤️💚❤️🎄...and hugs..

    Grandy...

  15. LCS
    LCS avatar
    16 posts
    25 December 2021 in reply to Ggrand
    You sound like a lovely person Grandy and I wish I could have lived my life without making the mistake that I made, but after 2 years its painfully obvious that people are never going to allow me to move forward from that day regardless of what I do to try and make ammends, so effectively my life is over. The only thing that scares me now is if it doesn't work properly and I am still around in some form
  16. Sophie_M
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    25 December 2021 in reply to LCS

    Hey LCS,

    Thank you for joining us this morning, we're really grateful to have your presence on the forums and we hope we can make today a little less stressful and overwhelming. We're very sorry to hear how low you're feeling today. We can hear you feel a lot of guilt and shame. We're sorry to hear that the people in your life have been unable to accept your apology, it may be that they need more time. We think it's important to be kind to yourself through this time. Please know our community is here today to provide support, so if you feel like sharing more, we are here. 

    Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you. We hope you know that there is always help available to you. We would urge that you do seek professional support to help you work through these thoughts that you're experiencing. If you are not sure of how to access mental health support, please contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us online (11am-midnight AEDT) here.

    Thanks again for sharing here, LCS.

    Kind regards, 

    Sophie M

  17. Ggrand
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    25 December 2021 in reply to LCS

    Hello Dear LCS,

    I don’t think that anyone has never made a mistake in their lives....I made a big well massive mistake 40 years ago which resulted in me not raising my middle son....It was kept a secret until he came looking for his birth parents...Thats when my other 2 children found out...

    They ignored me for a few years, because I denied them there other brother, when my middle son found me...We tried to connect with each other...but because of my guilt I couldn’t and still can’t find a connection with him....Which really is so very sad....

    They have all forgiven me...but I haven’t forgiven myself...even though I’m trying to....My counsellor has told me, that I need to forgive myself...and move forward as that mistake cannot ever be undone....

    My mistake cost 3 brothers a life growing up together....I hurt so many people with my mistake...and my mind keeps reminding me of it...each time I talk to my children..

    Try hard, as hard as you can to try to stop being so hard on yourself...we all make mistakes....we learn from it...as you have, because you said you won’t re offend....I can’t re offend because my mistake was a life time mistake....You have another chance, you have a right to live your life the best you can...and to live it for you...I feel you don’t want to disclose your past to anyone you don’t want to, but you did because of the beautiful and honest person you are....If people don’t accept the person you are now...That is their loss...because they are judging you for your past and not who you are now....

    The lady you though was the perfect one for you...really should have known the person you are now, the caring person she met 7 months ago....and what you did a couple of years ago would not have mattered to her...if she truely loved and cared for you.....

    Honestly LCS.. your posts truely show what a beautiful, caring person you are...You deserve to be loved, cared for and respected for the person you are today...because that is who you are..you are not your mistakes...you are not your past...you are who you are today...and every day..

    Merry Christmas...Dear LCS...I care and like you...the person who writes so honestly and openly and who lives in this moment...

    Grandy..💚❤️💚❤️🎄🎄..

  18. LCS
    LCS avatar
    16 posts
    25 December 2021 in reply to Ggrand

    Grandy,

    I sit here in tears after reading your response and its not because you shouldn't have written what you wrote and its not because you upset me. People make choices based on what they think is right (mostly) at the time and hindsight is a wonderful thing. The thing is this lady I love is not perfect and I am not going to air in public what she told me as she told me that in confidence but I feel as if I gave my all, put her and her adult children first time and time again including most recently sleeping in a hot car at the airport for 3 hours after my nightshift just so she didn't have to pay for an Uber when she flew home from work and then got disposed of when she got bored or decided she couldn't be with me because of what I did, but everything she says is so contradictory and it has resulted in my life being in absolute turmoil to the point where I worked out how I was going to end it all and that feeling hasn't left me yet. The only way that anyone is ever going to believe I won't repeat the mistakes of my past for some very good reasons is when I am dead. Maybe I should just stop all their speculation now. I will never be in another relationship, nor happy. I feel as if I have lost everything and people won't be happy until that includes my life as well.

  19. Sophie_M
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    6838 posts
    25 December 2021 in reply to LCS

    Hi LCS,

    We are glad to hear from you again today.
     
    Feeling lost, alone and unhappy are incredibly difficult sentiments to live with. We care and are here for you. We have contacted you via email to support you as we are worried about you.
     
    If you find yourself in a situation where you become an immediate danger to yourself, then this is an emergency and you should contact 000 (triple zero).
     
    Our friends at Lifeline are available on 13 11 14, however if you do not feel like talking on the phone, details of their SMS Text service is also available through here: https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-text/

    Kind regards, 

    Sophie M

  20. LCS
    LCS avatar
    16 posts
    25 December 2021 in reply to Ggrand

    Yes I am honest about what happened (and what did not happen) but that hasn't gotten me anywhere but heartbroken and feeling like a worthless piece of human trash. I can't see that ever changing because I can't lie about what happened and because the media had a field day with it a simple google search reveals their opinions about what happened, not the facts. This has resulted in me losing 2 jobs that I worked hard to get. The media don't care how much damage they do or who they hurt. I told them this and they said we are not taking it down because its fair reporting, there are no right to anomimity laws and it will prevent others from offending.

    What a load of BS. It won't stop anybody offending. If I could I would run a service teaching people of the harm that this does and encouraging people to get help but you can't because the law doesn't allow it and people would rather be ignorant and instead of confronting the problem and fixing it they just say the only fix is a bullet and leave it at that.

    I will be alone forever unless she realises what she's lost and its probably the only thing that stopped me taking my life today. The thought of what if I had and she changes her mind. The reality is she probably wont and when I finally come to the same conclusion I have nothing left.

    So much for honesty is the best policy........honourable but untrue I feel

  21. Ggrand
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    26 December 2021 in reply to LCS

    Hello Dear LCS,

    I wanted to call in earlier, but unsure of what to say...I felt sad I made you tear up...I know you said it wasn’t anything I wrote to you...,It’s just who I am, if people are hurting I also feel their hurt...not physical but spiritual hurt....

    I agree with you about the media...They will do anything for getting their rating up, regardless of how much damage they can do people...

    I do admire you so much, by wanting to help teach people of the harm that can be done to them...You have a good heart and I wish your gf can see that...as well as other people...

    Is their any other way that you can find..to help teach others...I don’t know very much about anything really, but I have heard of blogs or blogging..not sure what it’s about though...or something else on the Internet world...

    I really do hope that your life turns around for you...you really do deserve a break and some peace in your life....some people are so judgemental, as if they haven’t made wrong choices...and can be very hurtful to people...I really am sorry that all happened to you...

    I don’t go out much at all...only my volunteer job, and shopping after it...that’s my life now in a nutshell....Talking about volunteering..is that something that you would consider?....idk just thinking out loud I suppose....

    I had a rough day yesterday, and pleased that Christmas is over for another year...Later today I’m going to try and sit outside when the world is asleep and enjoy the solitude that night time brings...

    I hope today was a little better then yesterday, for you...

    Sending you my care and a hug...🤗...if you need it...

    Only kind thoughts for you dear LCS..

    Grandy..

  22. LCS
    LCS avatar
    16 posts
    26 December 2021 in reply to Ggrand

    Hi Grandy,

    Thanks for the thoughts.

    I don’t ask that people dismiss my mistake but I do ask for the chance to be forgiven and prove my worth.

    Imagine if everyone that did anything wrong and learnt from it was tarnished with that their entire life. Would it be fair to treat a drink driver as a habitual killer on the road that could have killed people even if they didn’t and never touched a drop of alcohol again in their life to continue to harass and humiliate them as if they had done something at the worse end of the scale.

    Thats how life has been and continues to be for me. No-one talks about all the good things I did for nearly 50yrs including raising thousands for leukaemia over many years, all the people I helped or what I have done in the last 2yrs since my offending.

    If my offending had been at the top end of the scale of severity or even medium, then I could probably accept the treatment I get.

    I know not everyone will agree to that and some will wish me dead. I would hope that they would then be willing to apply the same principles to themselves and their loved ones if they do something wrong and be prepared to sentence them to life or a bullet if they drank drove because they could of killed someone. I don’t really wish that on people but maybe you get the point that some people are very judgmental when it comes to others but all about minimising or justifying their own bad behaviour by comparing it to someone else’s.

    yes, I would consider volunteering as I want to give back to the community as I have in the past but I have to declare my convictions and that in itself will probably exclude me from most volunteering as well as put me in a vulnerable and exposed position due to judgemental and violent people

  23. LCS
    LCS avatar
    16 posts
    26 December 2021 in reply to Sophie_M
    Ggrand (just realised I misspelled your username all this time)

    also meant to say I was sorry to hear you had a rough day yesterday and I hope today and 2022 will be good for you.

    I guess my day today is better as I had to go to work but it hasn?t stopped me checking my email dozens of times hoping for a reply from the lady I was dating but I fear she has blocked me to be hard on herself as she put it, whatever that means.

    is it meant to mean that she really wanted to be with me but what I did makes her feel she can?t because of what others think?

    I know she fears her adult kids walking out if they find out and bikies in the local fire service wanting to bash me if they find out whether or not these are realities who knows, perhaps they are.

    I just struggle that I hung on every word, she told me multiple times she wanted to keep me forever and we discussed holidays, looked at houses and all sorts and then all of a sudden it?s just turned to shit like I am the worst person in the world.
  24. LCS
    LCS avatar
    16 posts
    16 April 2022 in reply to LCS

    Well here we are months down the track after being told we would get married, build a house and that she needed me. Dumped like a piece of garbage. I should never have tried because no matter what I do it's not enough. People will define me by my few weeks of stupidity for the rest of my life so what's the point in going on. As much as it hurts to admit it, I really felt like I was taken for a ride.

    I left myself vulnerable and exposed by disclosing what I did. It's painful because everyone else gets to minimise or hide what they did and because I am honest (not proud) people seem to use that as a yardstick to measure themselves against whilst not being honest about their own past or hiding it.

    I will never date again because it hurts too much and I won't lie about my past as much as it doesn't represent who I am, so for what is left of this miserable life I just want to be alone. Well I don't want to be but I have to be because society has deemed I have nothing to give even though I have done more good in my past than lots will do in their lifetime. I even joined a mens shed to try and give back to the community, but honestly, why bother.

    I wish I had dealt with this long ago and not been stupid enough to believe anyone would want me or there was any future worth looking forward to

  25. LCS
    LCS avatar
    16 posts
    25 June 2022 in reply to LCS

    Well its all over, feel like I was used when it was convenient and then tossed away when it wasn't.

    Invested soo much time, effort and money into something I was told and believed would last forever.

    Feel as if I should never have tried. All I have done is wasted a year of my life and now right back in a depressed state where I was when all this started only now I am on flamin anti-depressants which I never ever wanted to take and never had taken before.

    Even changed my name, threw away old memorabilia. There is nothing I wouldn't have done for this lady's love. I feel as if I was used for sex and support when she needed it then cast aside when it was convenient.

    Even got up in the middle of a worknight and spent 2 hours driving around for her to and from hospital for a family member.

    Still don't know if I am going to lose my home because of a greedy ex and her nasty incompetent lawyer.

    Why bother trying anymore, just going to be lonely for the rest of my life, depressed and probably lose my home.

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