Why do I wake with thoughts of wanting to die...the struggle of the previous day hasn't stopped and it has already started from the moment my eyes open and will last til I close them again and then continue to go on until sleep takes me or I give in. I have found nothing really seems to give me relief from these thoughts.

So what is so bad about my life you may ask. What is so wrong or bad my existence that is the only thing ever in my head. Well nothing really, so I don't know why I want to die. I just do. I just need every to stop. I want the only permanent solution to my life.

I'm tired of dealing with this all the time. I'm tired of fighting that person in my head that tells me to do it. I'm just tired.

Hello Dear Centaured,

I do believe that if we go to sleep with a chatty mind or unhealthy thoughts...that’s the way we wake up...it used to happen to me...still does but not to the extent it did..

I started listening to sleep stories when I went to bed..they are beautiful stories of mostly far away places, exploring or having a picnic in the nice surroundings..things like that, the idea is to listen to them in the background..if your minds wanders of the story, try to pull yourself up and go back to listening to the story.....They seem to relax my thoughts before sleep, and I wake up in a kind of calming mind....If I don’t then their are morning stories to listen to before starting the day.....

I know in your heart and soul that you want to die at all Lovely Centaured, you want the pain and hurt to stop, as a lot of us do....But dying isn’t the answer...It’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem...and we don’t even know if our pain and hurt will remain after death....

Centaured....Maybe each day...do something positive for you..it can be the smallest thing...like sitting outside for 5 minutes, or take a bit longer in the shower and be very mindful of the tension leaving you as the warm/hot shower water falls on your head....just small things to start with...

Myself personally I like to sit outside and take a break from the monotonous daily life of living in this very fast paced world...

Hope to hear from you again Dear Centaured..

My kindest wishes with my care..

Grandy..

Hey centaured,

I'm sorry that you feel this way. I can't imagine the struggle that you are having constantly day by day. I didn't read your previous posts yet but I think even though I learn I can't fully feel your struggle.

But I resonate with this endless pain from waking up to laying down again, hoping it to end and it is just there... it is exhausting, I know, it is really exhausting... 😞

I wonder if you could talk more or you may choose not to talk instead find some distractions then here is always a good place that's the main reason why I'm here

you can ring beyondblue service 1300 22 4636 here if it is necessary

People are always here to hear your voice and can see a tired you when you are too tired to say.

Hi Centaured,

Im sorry you are feeling this way.

I learned that these type of thoughts sometimes accompany anxiety and depression.

Have you thought about talking to your gp about the way you are feeling? And the type of thoughts you are experiencing?

I understand that they are tiring and unrelenting at times.

Sometimes they feel as though they are yelling at you.

Have you ever tried meditation?

Your not alone

Hi Centaured,

I'm so sorry you are going through this and I can resonate with you.

That dark abyss can not only seem never-ending and scary but also comforting. However, there is no real comfort there, it's a story we tell ourselves because living just feels so hard. As much as the abyss feels never-ending, there is always light, even if we have to try really hard just to see a speck of it.

There are many reasons you may feel this way, even if you are unsure why you are. The important thing though is to seek help to find out why you are feeling this way. That's the speck and the first step towards it. There is a relief, trust me, and not in how you're currently feeling. Thirteen years on and I am living proof.

The biggest relief comes in understanding why you are feeling this way. Once you have that piece of the puzzle, with supportive help the light gets bigger and brighter. Y ou've got it. You have already started by seeking understanding and support here and that is huge.

Believe in you, because everyone here does and we are all in your corner.

Thanks everyone for the replies.

I ended up in hospital on Thursday. I couldn't take it anymore. I'm home now and have little more focus on the future.

My friends have decided to take me to the pride parade and afterparty on Saturday. Gonna go as a fabulous drag queen if I can get the right outfit.

Hi Centaured

So glad you made that first big step for some professional direction and give yourself some focus. The future is our oyster and every baby step we make gets us there.

Sounds like Saturday will be an amazing day with lots of fun for you. I'm sure your friends would be more than willing to help you put that fabulous outfit together.

Hi Centaured...

Just calling in to ask you how Saturday went and if you all had a good time and enjoyed yourselves....We all need to get away from our everyday routine...Doing so makes it feel like a little holiday...

Kind thoughts Lively Centaured..

Grandy..

It's next Saturday Grandy

Hi centaured

Im glad that your friends can be here with you and cheer you up, enjoy this weekend, hope you have much fun!

I'm really struggling with my thoughts today. My mh case manager came to see me today and I just froze and couldn't say I wasn't coping today. I'm useless and pathetic.

If I hurt myself this week or next week I'll be told I'm unfit to fly and won't get to see my dad or partner for Christmas. Fck.

Urhhhh. I can't do this.

Hey Centaured,

Thanks for reaching out tonight,

We're sorry to hear you're in a tough place at the moment and we understand how difficult it can be to open up when prompted. Please know you're not useless or pathetic, you will get through this. Our support service is checking in with your privately. 

Please remember to call 000 if you're in immediate danger to yourself. 

Hi Centaured, I hope you checked with the support service. How are you feeling today?

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this, Centaured. and I'm sorry that you have feelings of uselessness sometimes we just don't know how to say it and we freeze. I can't remember how many times I totally stuck or froze in front of others while racing thoughts were messing my brain.... embarrassing, isn't it? It is difficult to open up and talk about my feelings at some points. Many times I wish I could present myself better... but these things happen quite often, and happen to many people.

Try not to stress yourself because this is not job interviewing or going on The Voice you don't need to prove anything to your case manager. As I said before, you are tired, your feelings are validated and it is completely OK that you couldn't talk about your feelings.

An imperfect conversation doesn't mean you don't have the capability to hold one. sometimes they will understand by observing non-verbal languages. And believe me, they also feel down because they may think they didn't do their jobs well.

I'm looking forward to hearing from you, take care

Hey on the road. I ended up in hospital on Wednesday. I don't really have capacity to formulate a proper reply atm sorry.

Will chat soon.

No worry, take care of yourself Centaured.

Hey on the road.

I was discharged on Saturday and made it to the pride afterparty. I had lots of fun at the event.

Though now I'm suffering for it. My joint condition is playing up, yesterday I had 4 falls because my legs collapsed underneath just by going to toilet from bed. My body hurts so much. I hate flare ups and this one is bad. I can barely move this morning. It's shit.

Hey Centaured,

Thanks for sharing this with us here. We can hear you're in pain, and we can imagine how hard that must be. We're thinking of you. 

Just a note to say we've checked in with you privately, and are here if you need us on 1300 22 4636, or via online chat. 

Kind regards, 
Sophie M

Hi Centaured,

I'm glad that you made it to the party and had a lot of fun! How was it? Tell me more about it. 🙂

I'm sorry that your joints are acting up at the moment trying to kill all the joy. IT IS SHITTY like salt rubbing into the wonds. It must be difficult for you to bear with all these physical discomforts.🙁 Are someone there with you to support you?

Do you have any methods to soothe the pain? Have u tried to distract yourself by doing something such as binge-watching, gaming, drawing, or just sharing something on here? Anyway, tell me more about the party 🙂

I'm not a party animal but I love seeing ppl having fun. I mean the summer has just begun 😸

Thanks for the concern on the road. Youre a really lovely person.

Hi Centaured sorry for getting excited 😂

is the situation of your legs getting better now?

Hope everything goes smooth for you and have a great holiday~ 🙂

Try and put in perspective mate.

I am ok tonight and you will be.

Please let it go and think of anything mate that you enjoy

On the road my pain levels are back to normal amount of pain, I am able sort of walk now. Having a disability doesn't help your mental health on the best of days and sometimes mine really affects me and it's not something that's really talked about.

Im not usually a party animal, especially because of my disability. But being trans and bisexual, pride means a lot to me. And I had never been to a pride event before so I was excited even though it caused a lot of pain and issues following.

But ..

I'm looking forward to flying out on Monday and having a break from my Chaos for a little while.

..

Chris how's it going. I hope you are staying safe and keeping on.

I'm tired....why cant it just go away.

Why can't I just go away.

I cant get the niggling thought out of my head to hurt myself and to die.

Im so tired and drained. My holiday has been a horrible mistake. My life is a mistake anywayz so does anything really matter.

Hi Centaured, 

Thank you for reaching out this morning. We're sorry to hear how drained you're feeling and are concerned to hear you are having thoughts about harming yourself. We have sent a private message to check in with you.  Please remember to reach out when you're feeling overwhelmed and needing to talk it through. You're never alone. In these moments you can get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Hello Dear Centaured....

You asked does anything really matter...

Yes...You matter....so very very much 💚🌹🦋🕊🤗..

Grandy..

Hi Centaured

Depression is such an incredibly torturous thing to face. My heart goes out to you as you work so hard to make sense of it, while trying to cope with it at the same time. I believe, no one really knows what the depths are like until they've experienced them. It's like hell on earth.

One of the things I discovered in my struggle with depression was the difference between the conditioned self and the sensitive self. The conditioned self is the one that believes in a whole stack of depressing destructive stuff. One of the most depressing and highly destructive mental programs would involve general society's old school take on LGBT etc. Old school - whether it involved being arrested for what was once illegal or being beaten or declared as deserving to burn in hell, that's some seriously depressing stuff. For members of the LGBT community to believe in what they've been told they deserve is mind altering. To see themself as 'less than' is incredibly sad. These beliefs can destroy the mind, body and soul. Of course, this is just one of many mental programs that people have been led to believe. There can be 100s of beliefs instilled in us from the very beginning of our life, yet we can't see them until we become conscious of them.

The other sense of self relates to the self who senses. If you're sensitive enough, you can sense when something is bad, wrong or depressing. With this self, you could feel from various people throughout the day 15 depressing comments. You can feel every single one of them. You can even feel your own thoughts. Some depressing people may even say 'You're too sensitive, you need to toughen up'. Btw, this is a comment I can easily feel. It triggers me in a number of ways. It'll typically trigger my nervous system into 'fight' response, not flight or freeze, like it used to. I can better sense my need for feistiness these days :)

May sound a bit weird but, in hindsight, I came to realise that deep need to sacrifice myself came down to choosing which sense of self I was going to sacrifice. Was I going to continue sacrificing who I naturally am, in favour of managing all the exhausting depressing beliefs others had put in my head over time, or was I going to sacrifice that sense of self that really needed to go? Some say 'the dark night of the soul' is the point of choice. It's the point where we can no longer live with our self, our false sense of self. It has finally become intolerable.

Pride is a beautiful thing to sense :)

Prayer in the shape of prazac

Medicating the lows that
Meet me in the night
Knowing I'm not alright

Despite my pretty show
The thing I'm coming to know
Is that the dark will grow
And I'm ready to go

Sorry
Don't worry
I'll just run
Far Far away

Hi Centaured

Your posts are so heartfelt, especially your latest post. Depression's so heartbreaking. During the years I faced it, I would partly describe it as like slowly dying of a broken heart. When you speak of the night time, I think it's when you can feel the process at its most intense. Night time is so brutal to a sensitive soul. Night time is where the internal dialogue can be at its loudest, its most convincing.

If you don't mind me asking, what are some of the things in life you sense the most/are most sensitive to? You mention the pain related to your condition and brutal internal dialogue. I imagine you're also sensitive to high energy situations where people love to celebrate who they genuinely are, such as with the pride after party. There's nothing quite like the freedom to celebrate and express who you naturally are. To not feel harsh judgement, to not feel the suppression of self, to not feel the need to please those who we're sick of trying to please is an incredible feeling. There's nothing quite like the freedom to think like our self, to feel like our self and behave like our self. The energy it can take to act like someone other than our self can prove thoroughly exhausting at times.

You mentioned earlier how disability and mental health is a topic that's not really talked about. Do you get a sense that people don't want to really hear about it, like it doesn't suit them to hear about it? Would you like to express yourself here? Would you actually like to give yourself the freedom to have a massive vent? If that's what you feel you want to do, go for it. That kind of energy's better out than in I say.

Wondering what led you to give yourself the freedom to express yourself as trans and bisexual. I imagine this must have been far from easy, given the nature of some people (to judge and criticise). Was it a matter of you just not being able to continue toleratating suppressing this side of yourself, your natural side? Was it a long and painful journey, to get to that point, or was it a sudden revelation, creating a shorter journey? No need to answer if you don't wish to. I think there's a kind of energy we feel when we're expressing our natural self, therefor when we're acting like anyone other than our natural self, you can miss that energy, that feeling. What are a couple of the things that bring you to life? Personally, I can come to life through joy or anger. Either are a form of excitement (of mind, body and soul).

Tbh I don't tend feel much at all. I tend to have this nothingness that consumes me instead. my dissociative disorder tends to make that even more real.

You talk about passion, excitement, anger, etc. I wish I had those. I see of the day I can have an emotion safely and not suppress it to I dissociate til I don't remember whats going on or get suicidal and self harm.

And I don't know my genuine self. Having multiple personalities makes that complicated. I am comfortable in my skin however, I'm not ashamed of it anymore.

I Am ashamed I'm in the emergency department waiting in waiting room all night for mental health team. I'm totally ready to walk out.