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Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / The nights are the worst.

Topic: The nights are the worst.

  1. Pandemica
    Pandemica avatar
    57 posts
    14 February 2022

    I find that the hardest time of all are the evenings. I live alone and the house is so quiet. I lay awake each night, not being able to sleep and the darkness outside my bedroom window matches the darkness inside of me.

    Its at these times that the sadness feels so powerful and overwhelming. I can feel it sitting inside of my stomach like a heavy rock. I have lived a majority of my life like this and can't see any way to stop feeling like this.

    What are some strategies that people might use when both your thoughts and feelings are at their darkest.

    2 people found this helpful
  2. Centaured
    Centaured avatar
    360 posts
    14 February 2022 in reply to Pandemica

    That hits home, I can relate.

    I try to distract myself until I can't stay awake any longer. Like one thing I do is playing on my computer or phone until my eyes start collapsing. Other stuff I do is browse Reddit or insta or other websites as a distraction. BB forums can help too or talking with someone like lifeline so you don't feel alone with that heaviness.

    Hope that helps. Just know you aren't alone. We'll find the stars out there.

    2 people found this helpful
  3. Pandemica
    Pandemica avatar
    57 posts
    15 February 2022 in reply to Centaured

    Thanks Centaurs,

    I am doing exactly that at the moment. Reading articles on BB Website, playing games on my phone etc. Its just a bloody horrible feeling.

    If I thought that I could leave this world without hurting anyone else, then God, I would have ended it all a long time ago. I feel so trapped because as much as I desperately want to end it all right now, I just can't because I feel so guilty about hurting others in my life. That puts me between a rock and a hard place. Can't end it all, but can't keep going like this either. There has got to be another option.

  4. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6838 posts
    15 February 2022 in reply to Pandemica
    Hi Pandemica,

    We’re sorry to hear you are still feeling this way. If you need someone to talk to we have our counsellors on our Support Service available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport.

    As Centaured has mentioned, our friends at Lifeline are wonderful and worth contacting on 13 11 14 as they are available to provide support and advice 24/7. Please do feel free to use these services to talk through what's on your mind when it's feeling like too much to cope with.

    We hope that you keep checking back in and let us know how you are going when you feel up to it. We're all here for you.
     
    1 person found this helpful
  5. Centaured
    Centaured avatar
    360 posts
    15 February 2022 in reply to Pandemica

    It is such a hard place to be in. I hear the pain as you write. Just getting through tonight sounds tough, but there is support to you through it.

    If possible can you just switch everything off, go to bed, and know that tomorrow will be different. It might not be better, it might be similarly bad, but there is hope with the sunrise that it's a fresh start and anything is possible.

    It sounds pretty cliche. But sleep is very important in managing moods and just knowing the pain will temporary end can be that spark of hope too.

    2 people found this helpful
  6. Pandemica
    Pandemica avatar
    57 posts
    15 February 2022 in reply to Centaured

    Thanks Centaured,

    It really is a tough night. I have been trying not to rely on sleeping pills but I have just given up and taken something to help me sleep.

    I don't believe for a second that tomorrow will be a good day but I at least hope it may be a little better than today was.

    Hope you get some sleep soon also.

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Pandemica
    Pandemica avatar
    57 posts
    15 February 2022 in reply to Sophie_M
    Thankyou Sophie
  8. Centaured
    Centaured avatar
    360 posts
    15 February 2022 in reply to Pandemica

    I hope you managed to get some sleep.

    1 person found this helpful
  9. Pandemica
    Pandemica avatar
    57 posts
    15 February 2022 in reply to Centaured

    Thanks Centaured,

    yeah eventually I got a bit. Think I finally got to sleep about 0430. Will try and get a bit more sleep as I need to be at work later this afternoon.

  10. Centaured
    Centaured avatar
    360 posts
    15 February 2022 in reply to Pandemica
    Even if today won't be better, I hope it is pleasant enough that you get some rest and your shift goes ok.
    2 people found this helpful
  11. Pandemica
    Pandemica avatar
    57 posts
    16 February 2022
    Yesterday turned out ok. Often going to work is good for me as it keeps my mind off myself and my own feelings and I can concentrate on caring for others. Its the long hours home alone in the middle of the night that I struggle with the most. They are the worst.
  12. Shay123
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Shay123 avatar
    19 posts
    16 February 2022 in reply to Pandemica

    Hey Pandemica,

    I'm sorry you've been feeling so low lately!

    Now, before I jump into the advice I'd like to give you, I would like to say that this piece of advice may make you feel frustrated. The biggest (and sadly the most annoying in my opinion) piece of advice that I have ever been given is that the fastest way to make the feeling go away, is to sit through the feeling, acknowledge how you feel and to recognize that it's OK to feel that way! It's frustrating because I know that when we feel like this we want nothing more than to get rid of the feeling and unfortunately there's a possibility to turn to unhealthy methods of dealing with how we feel (e.g. drinking, drugs, self harm ect). Behaviours, such as drinking, drugs etc., are all methods of AVOIDING the feeling instead of sitting through it. Now avoiding the feeling only prolongs how long you feel the way you do and it DOES NOT make you feel any better than what you were previously feeling. These kinds of behaviours can lead to the development of negative relationships between emotions and harmful acts which may therefore lead to addiction and substance abuse problems later down the track.

    There are definitely healthy ways to cope with how you're feeling though, it's not all bad I just wanted to add that piece in to ensure that you're aware :). Doing things like having a bath, listening to music or reading a book are all healthy ways to cope with emotional distress. However, I understand that when emotions start to boil over that may not be enough to put you at ease so taking up a boxing class (or any form of exercise for example) may also be a good idea because it allows you to release anger, frustration or restlessness (amongst others) in a non-harmful manner and in a controlled environment. Now of course you may not be able to take boxing classes at night however even doing it during the day would definitely help and can add a sense of routine into your life.

    Hope this helps! :)

    2 people found this helpful
  13. Guest_1643
    blueVoices member
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    Guest_1643 avatar
    4854 posts
    16 February 2022 in reply to Pandemica
    Well done pandemica, Ur a strong and honest person..,I hope u feel ok and that the shift helped.
    1 person found this helpful
  14. Petal22
    Community Champion
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    Petal22 avatar
    2138 posts
    16 February 2022 in reply to Pandemica

    Hi Pandemica,

    Im sorry you are feeling this way.

    I understand it’s not a nice feeling having that feeling in your stomach.

    I have a lived experience of severe anxiety OCD, I also experienced a uncomfortable feeling my stomach .

    Mine was always there I always felt like I was running from something.

    I had the sleepless nights aswell.

    I seeked professional help for what I was going through and I’ve now recovered. It was a marathon of a journey but now life couldn’t be better.

    Things really can get better for you ……

    Have you seeked professional help?

    I did a group therapy for what I was going through I was given many strategies and tools. One of the skills I learned was meditation, have you ever tried this?

    1 person found this helpful
  15. Pandemica
    Pandemica avatar
    57 posts
    17 February 2022 in reply to Shay123

    Thanks shay123,

    I know that you are right.

    I saw my psychologist today and directly afterwards I started drinking in order to numb the feelings that I expected during our session.

    Perhaps next time I will try some of the other strategies that you have suggested.

    I have an absolutely awesome psychologist but I don't feel that seeing her once a week is enough.

    1 person found this helpful
  16. Guest_1643
    blueVoices member
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    Guest_1643 avatar
    4854 posts
    17 February 2022 in reply to Pandemica

    Hi pandemica

    Not making any assumptions but have u ever tried aa?

    I had an addiction problem, I stopped, but I think in a way without someone to talk to about my experience it led me to be bit intense after stopping, I like Aa because u get the peer support

    I numb myself in various ways, and I'm trying to replace it with new things, for me also just being alone seems Safe, I am scared of connecting so I turn to addictive ways of coping. It's hard.

    3 people found this helpful
  17. Pandemica
    Pandemica avatar
    57 posts
    17 February 2022 in reply to Guest_1643

    Thanks Sleepy21,

    Yes I am considering AA. I am just scared to make the first move and go to my first meeting.

    I am also considering the option of inpatient rehab for a few weeks. Again, just scared to make the first move.

  18. Guest_1643
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Guest_1643 avatar
    4854 posts
    17 February 2022 in reply to Pandemica

    Hi pandemics, I hope I didn't offend u in any way by suggesting it, I absolutely don't know Ur specifics with alcohol but I am a big believer in the aa model.

    I believe in ppl who have been through it helping each other

    There's a show on netflix Love about love and sex addiction

    And a show on Amazon, loudermilk about aa support

    I have been to one meeting and never went back.

    If u need support or encouragement, just letting u know we will be here for u x

    1 person found this helpful
  19. Shay123
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Shay123 avatar
    19 posts
    17 February 2022 in reply to Pandemica
    That's ok Pandemica! Unfortunately the right decision isn't always the easiest but in the long run it definitely pays off! Your future self will thank you! It's so much easier said than done so be kind to yourself during this time, everyone makes mistakes. I can also understand how difficult it can be to keep yourself from taking the easy way out (like drinking in this case) because it always seems like a quick fix but you've come this far so I know that you're definitely strong enough to keep going in the right direction! Keep seeking help from your psych, friends, family and safe places like beyond blue and, as impossible as it may seem, your situation WILL get better with time. We're all here standing by you, cheering you on in the right direction so keep going, you're doing so well!
    1 person found this helpful
  20. Pandemica
    Pandemica avatar
    57 posts
    17 February 2022 in reply to Shay123
    Thankyou all for such kind words i am so happy to have discovered such a supportive community.
  21. Pandemica
    Pandemica avatar
    57 posts
    17 February 2022 in reply to Shay123

    Thankyou everyone for such kind words. I am so lucky to have found this supportive community.

    I know what the right thing to do is, I just have to actually do it.

  22. Pandemica
    Pandemica avatar
    57 posts
    17 February 2022 in reply to Guest_1643

    No Sleepy21,

    you certainly didn't offend me. I know I have a problem and I just need the courage to do what I know I need to do.

  23. Doog
    Doog avatar
    25 posts
    17 February 2022 in reply to Guest_1643

    Hi Sleepy21, I frequently fly on here and make random comments, but mostly I kind of update where I am at in life because i have nobody else to talk to about inner stuff. I have developed a growing alcohol dependence. I spent a lifetime never finding it a normal shopping item to bring alcohol home. Just wasn't on the radar. Now I panic if I haven't got it in the house in case i have my "panic attacks".

    I was going to try cold turkey but googled the dangers, and since I have anxiety anyway the last thing I needed was to await heart palpitations and the delirium tremens etc. So I kept drinking and measuring my drinks, trying to cut back, but it doesn't work. Tonight I had 1500mls for the first time ever. 1 Litre freaked me out, but I'm done now. Does anyone know of a place where you can get off alcohol without the anxiety of a medical episode, (which is part of my anxiety) and not having to pay for a private clinic rehab centre. I don't have those funds available. Thankyou

    1 person found this helpful
  24. Pandemica
    Pandemica avatar
    57 posts
    18 February 2022 in reply to Doog

    Hi Doug,

    I am exactly the same. This time last year I could count on 1 had the amount of times I had a glass of wine in my life. Like you, it literally wasn't anything I thought about. But the in about march or April last year my parents gave me a glass of wine and I liked the taste so went out and brought the same brand a week later. Since then my drinking has escalated very rapidly and now its nothing at all to drink a bottle of wine a night occasionally even 2.

    I think your best bet would be to go to your GP and ask for a public rehab facility. Alternatively they can prescribe you a medication (can't say the name here) that acts as an anticonvulsant and prevent you from having seizures.

    There are also other medications that can help with the cravings

    I think I am coming to the point of realising that I most likely can't do this on my own and when I finally try to stop drinking.. I will likely need professional help to do so.

    1 person found this helpful
  25. Guest_1643
    blueVoices member
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    Guest_1643 avatar
    4854 posts
    18 February 2022 in reply to Doog

    Hi doog

    I'm a bit out of my depth as I don't know much about getting treatment.

    I would say maybe a mh worker could help too...

    I see a psychiatrist and my gp for general mh upkeep as I get depressed and at times suicidal.

    I know a little more about that....sorry I don't have better info

    1 person found this helpful
  26. Pandemica
    Pandemica avatar
    57 posts
    21 February 2022

    I have stopped drinking for 4 days now. It hasn't been easy at all and I am fairly sure its only a matter of time before I crack and start drinking again.

    I am over the physical withdrawal symptoms, no longer have the shakes or the sweats, but....my God I am so so low and just can't get more than a few hours of sleep at a time. All I can think about is Suicide and Death. I am not sure if this is my real depression or a drop in mood due to Alcohol withdrawal. Ether way, its a special kind of hell.

    spent most of last night laying on my bed crying, thinking of ways to end it all. Don't get me wrong, I didn't do anything and I don't think that I will do anything to end it. That's such big step that I don't think that I am ready to take just yet. But I just want this horrible pain to stop.

    I have tried, listening to an Audio book, watching Netflix, having a lavender bath, listening to music, anything to try and distract myself from how awful I am feeling. I don't know what else I can do to get through this. Any ideas.

  27. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6838 posts
    21 February 2022 in reply to Pandemica
    Hi Pandemica,

    Thank you for sharing this morning. We're sorry to hear what you're going through, with these unsafe thoughts and the difficulty getting some rest or distraction. We are reaching out to you privately to offer you some support. It sounds like you’re trying some really good ideas, and sharing here is one of them.

    It's good to hear you're thinking of getting some professional support with this. Have you reached out to anyone about this? This could be a conversation with your GP or with your existing mental health support, or a chat with a loved one who you feel will be supportive in helping you to change this behaviour. It sounds like it would be really good to discuss this with are our friends at Counselling Online, who have some really good resources on Making a Change, here. You can find the number for your state or territory on thier website, here. Our kind and understanding counsellors are also here to talk this through with you, on 1300 22 4636. Other community members have previously mentioned Daybreak, the app, to be a useful resource. You can find out more about this here.

    Thanks again for sharing, Pandemica. 

    Kind regards, 

    Sophie M
  28. Guest_1643
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Guest_1643 avatar
    4854 posts
    21 February 2022 in reply to Pandemica

    Hi pandemica

    Sorry last night was awful, well done of holding on to Ur hope

    I try and watch movies or use this space .

    I also have one or two ppl I trust during suicidal times, perhaps I should have more...but it's one friend and my gp

    My case manager told me once in this rough moments u cut solve the major problems, we just have to get through

    I also love a hot or cool drink in those times, distracts me through the sips

    I'm into art as well, keeping hands busy....or even self care like painting nails

    It's very individual but hopefully some things appeal to u xx

    2 people found this helpful
  29. Pandemica
    Pandemica avatar
    57 posts
    23 February 2022 in reply to Guest_1643

    So I buggered up again. Drank again last night so back to day 1 without Alcohol. Thanks to Sophie for recommending Counselling online some great tips and support there.

    Hopefully tonight when I get home from work I will be able to use Some of the strategies to fight the cravings.

    Fingers and toes crossed.

  30. Ggrand
    Community Champion
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    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    10026 posts
    23 February 2022 in reply to Pandemica

    Hello Dear Pandemica,

    I have been reading along with your thread and thought I would just jump in to say hello...

    I live alone and I’ll definitely agree the nights are the worse...I don’t work, except for two days a week in a volunteer role at a charity shop....When I come home, I am greeted by my 2 little dogs and they need my attention, care and love, They are really excited to see me back home and it gives me a less lonely feeling....

    I listen to sleep stories at night when I go to bed, sometimes it helps other times I might listen to them most of the night until I finally go to sleep....

    I did try alcohol a few times to sleep but found I was a lot worse the next day...I think going 4 days without it is a huge achievement, it’s okay that you had some the night...Please don’t be too hard on yourself....Trying is all you can do right now and you’re doing a great job....each day/night is another chance to have another try.....alone it would be so difficult, with some help from an organisation might make it easier for you...

    My kindest thoughts, dear Pandemica..

    Grandy..

    1 person found this helpful

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