So I re wrote this 3 times, each time I felt like someone who had no right to have any issues when I wrote it down, I honestly thought coming here and writing down my thoughts and fears would help, but the more I wrote the more I felt I had no place here to complain or have an issue.

I have been here before, in a very dark place, I somewhat changed what I thought was the problem, and it has improved somewhat, but the underlying thoughts and fears remain. its putting strain on my life, my relationship and I find myself tearing up when I think of the man I have become.

I am 55 yet feel my life has no meaning, no fulfilment or Joy and yet I should be happy with who I am and where my life is compared to millions of others in worse situations.
Not here to ask questions, more here to write publicly some of my thoughts and fears and somewhat bare my soul. I cant kick the darkness inside, I know its there, I suppress it but I cant seem to remove it.
I know many feel this way, many have worse situations and at times feel I have no right to feel this way, but its something I cant hide from, I just dont know how to treat it.

Hi Butchy2k,

Welcome to the forum. I want to let you know that you are brave, posting your thoughts is a great progress.

Everyone has their darkness inside, when you're sharing your stories and thoughts, you're getting advice from some of us here, and inspiring others at the same time. Don't feel guilty, don't feel you're making troubles, don't feel you don't deserve. The meaning of this forum is about caring and supporting each other.

We're ready to listen to your stories when you're ready.

Mark

Dear Butchy2k,

Firstly, thank you sincerely, for choosing to join our community, and share the beginnings of your story. We are very pleased to have you!

Secondly, we are saddened to hear that you have felt so strongly that you should not do so. A very simple, but important saying that we feel needs to be used more often: "Suffering is not an Olympics". All of us have the right to be heard, and hopefully, in doing so, we may help each other in our sufferings just by understanding each other. 

The beginnings of being able to 'treat' feelings is to understand that they are allowed to be there. They may not always be accurate, and I am sure they are rarely actually wanted, but you have the 'right' to feel however you feel. you may not be enduring what others endure, but you are enduring your pain - which they are not.

I wish to also remind you that you can also reach out to the team directly: on the phone on 1300 22 4636 or by web by clicking here.

Again, we are truly thankful to have you, Butchy2k, and we hope we will hear from you soon, it whatever way is best for you!

Regards,

Sophie M.
 

Hi Butchy2k,

Wellcome to our forums.

Thank you for reaching out to us and you are more than worthy to be here just as anyone else.

Im really glad that you have found us, we are all a very caring supportive understanding community and we are happy to have you here.

I understand that it’s hard to be in a very dark place I understand it’s hard, but I want you to know that you really can learn to live in the light.

I understand it’s so hard when we have underlying thoughts and fears, thoughts and fears that haven’t been addressed the more we to try to suppress them the stronger they become.

Once you begin to allow these thoughts and fears out…… when you talk about them you are taking away their power.

I understand how it feels to live in the darkness because I have lived there but now I live in the light and so can you.

We are here for you and we are listening.

Hello Butchy, you have every right to make a comment on how you are feeling, and it's not uncommon for people to write a post, thread or comment and wonder whether they have said what they want to say or if they should delete.

There are no specifics on what you can say, except for a couple of rules which BB say you can't mention, however everyone is entitled to be listened to.

You can't pretend to others that there is nothing wrong, but deep down you could be struggling which only you know about, but with this it still causes problems along the way.

We can't say who is worse off than someone else, because everyone who posts on this site is in the same position as another person, so we treat every person in regard to what they want to say, and each person is special, just as you are.

If you feel as though there is no meaning to life, can't get motivated or enjoy what you once did and lost interest, then there may be a problem that's quietly developing, as if this slowly happens, then there is a chance you try and cope with it, until you feel the full impact and begin to struggle.

Ask your doctor about the mental health plan, this entitles you to 10 Medicare paid sessions to talk with a psych. then they will advise you of the appropriate situation you need to address, but please remember we are always hear to listen to whatever is troubling you.

Your post is what we want to help you with.

Geoff.

I really appreciate all of your supportive replies, I truly do. I wont lie, this week has been a really tough week mentally for me, I walked out of work on Wednesday as I felt I really couldn't manage or deal with people. I am fortunate enough as a manager and flexible work arrangements not to need an excuse and can "work from home" and I think its exactly what I needed to do.

Today (Friday) is my first return to the forum and to see your helpful comments has at least made me feel somewhat less, I guess on my own, or selfish, for feeling the way I have been.
I am in no way over it, or even close but feel I can be, having been here before but darker, I realise I can make it better, I cant do it alone, that much I know and professional help should be something to look at, I guess its the first step, that is hard. Behind a keyboard is easy, its not as personable and I have found its easier to type than to talk.
I know and accept there is an issue, I want to make it better, honestly dont know if I will ever be 100% but if I can feel happy, if I can wake up and be excited by the day I would be so happy. Even just typing that and the thought of that brings tears to me eyes. Thank you for your kind and encouraging words, I truly do appreciate it and will take and use your advise. I go into the weekend with a little more optimism than I thought I would.

Hi Butchy2k,

Thanks for your feedback.

I'm happy that our words are encouraging to you. And I'm happy to know that you have motivation to become better and have hope on yourself. It's also a great idea to look into professional help. These factors are very important for you to overcome your challenge.

Hope you have a good weekend.

Mark

Hi Butchy2k,

Thank you for your reply.

Im glad that our supportive replies have helped you in some way and given you the hope you need.

I understand that it’s really daunting taking that first step to ask for help but I promise you that once you do you won’t look back.

It can be a long hard journey at times but it’s a journey that you won’t regret because it will grow you in many ways.

I was fortunate enough to be put on the correct path throughout my journey by seeing health professionals that understood my condition and knew how to help me, I don’t know where I’d be today without the help of health professionals.

I hope you too can find a path like mine.

The darkness can teach us unexpected things and one of those things is learning how to find your light.

We are always here to support you on your journey.

Hi Butchy2K. Your post certainly hit me hard - I have been pretty much in the same headspace as that which you described. I'm a 50-year-old man, and all the things you mentioned were eye-openers for me. I turned the big 5-0 a few months back and wondered, who am I? What have I achieved? Has anything been worth it? Why should I bother trying?

The dark place, the tears - yes, for me too. I know exactly how that feels. No fulfilment, no joy - check. I should be happy, considering who I am and how lucky I am? Oh yeah. I know that demon.

I have struggled with the black dog for a long time - at least 15 years. Maybe longer. I've addressed it in patches, and seen professionals, but never for very long; my life has been a bit all over the place. Mainly, I've self-medicated (not in good ways) or just decided to push through it and ignore it. Not a great way to live. It's really only been these last few months I've decided I need to tackle this thing head-on. I deserve a life, and a happy life. And you're the same mate - you deserve a happy life.

I can only pass on two bits of advice because I feel like I'm only just starting on what might be a long journey. This year I talked to my GP and started seeing a counsellor. It was hard, I won't lie - I'm not good at talking to people about my mental health. But they've been amazingly helpful, and I'm also considering taking on the government-assisted Mental Health Plan (talk to your GP about this) that gets you 10 sessions with a psychologist.

The other thing I did was start to take antidepressant medication. Years ago I told myself I'd never do it because I thought it was "sad" or "desperate". Mate, in less than a month they have begun to turn my life around. I'm not going to say they're miracle pills, but I can certainly feel a difference coming about in the way I'm thinking. For the first time in years I'm speaking to people with a level of happiness and confidence. I'm thinking ahead, and not spiralling down into that dark place you talked about.

This is my first post on these forums too - I felt like your post really hit home for me. Stay strong man. You can do this.