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Forums / Multicultural experiences / I want to smile so badley

Topic: I want to smile so badley

24 posts, 0 answered
  1. JazzK
    JazzK avatar
    31 posts
    14 February 2018
    I havent smiles in a long while and i cant remember how i laugh. Last time i did both it felt good but when u get questioned so u feel quitly what you have done has put me in such a dark spot which should be ther best years of my life. My main issues are partner relationship problems but as of recent the one person i thought i could say anything too my bestfriend has gone mental at me and blaming me for conveying a story of the past and that vrought up issues for her which i was the rebound. Its so hard t9 not be able to talk to anyone. When i get yelled at or put down i just feel like self harming. The thoughts are there but never since being a newly mother i havent self harmed. My partner priotises his friends and addictions and ditches me even when it comes to family friends. I had so many chats saying i just want to be loved and i want his company. Being a mum i dont want to be a huge social butterfly as i want to be a family too. I just want therr to be a balance. I strongly believe people need space and have timr to themselve or friends but when its so much from his side i just feel like a only parent. Theres so much on my mind i just want to be able to smile and be happy again. Im not confortable in my skin anymore and sometimes i jist dont want to be on earth anymore. Thankfully ny daughter has a beautiful energy and surrounds me with love and pure white light. Can anyone help me. Im so lonely i just want to speak to anyone
    1 person found this helpful
  2. Hayfa
    beyondblue Connect Mentor
    • beyondblue Connect is a FREE service that puts people living in Victoria's Greater Dandenong community, in touch with mentors. They can support your wellbeing and help you achieve your goals.
    • Foundation members of our Multicultural Experiences section
    • Lebanon
    Hayfa avatar
    120 posts
    14 February 2018 in reply to JazzK

    Hello JazzK

    I am sorry to hear that you are going through a hard time right now.
    From your post, I am sensing that you don't have anyone around you right now that you can spend good quality time with and talk to.
    Is becoming involved in parent/child play groups something that can offer you a space to meet new people and share ideas and stories about parenting and other things?

    Is the lack of sharing by your partner something that has always been the case or is it a new development since parenthood? Perhaps making plans for doing things together with the baby might be something your partner will consider, it could be as simple as taking a walk in the park with the pram.
    I am sure your partner loves you very much but does he know how you are feeling and what you want? There must be some alone time that you both share at home, perhaps trying to have a talk together could help.

    There are also many supports here on the beyondblue website that might be helpful including the main support line 1300 224636 if you felt you would like to talk to someone.
    It can be very daunting when you are a new mother but you have a beautiful new child that you are enjoying so much and there are wonderful things that you can engage in to help you grow together such as social groups, community events and other local activities which you can find from your local council website.

    It is important to look after yourself especially since you are a new mum, make sure you are trying to do everything you can to stay well.
    I am glad you reached out here on the forums and there is always much support and great tips here from many wonderful people who care.
    There are some great parent support groups also that you can reach out to that can offer great support and advice such as PANDA. Please check out their website and have a look at what they offer and especially the social connection opportunities.

    I hope this helps.

    Hayfa

    2 people found this helpful
  3. Donte'
    Multicultural Correspondent
    • Foundation members of our Multicultural Experiences section
    • Greece
    • LGBTI
    Donte' avatar
    845 posts
    14 February 2018 in reply to JazzK

    Hello JazzK,

    Welcome to the multicultural experiences forum. This is a safe, respectful forum which aims to share experiences and provide support from people who are experiencing similar challenges and issues. I’m so glad you’ve reached out in the midst of your difficult situation.

    You’re a new Mum. Your partner is not able or willing to share the huge responsibility of raising a child and seems may need support to accept the life changes a child brings. Escaping in his addictions and friends and pretending everything is as it was is probably his way of dealing (or not dealing) with the inevitable stress parenting brings.

    It’s understandable that you can’t be a social butterfly, as you clearly stated, and wanting to settle down and spend quality time, nurturing your family relationships and focusing on your beautiful child which gives you so much love and purpose and inspiration.

    This is an amazing time in your life as a couple and one of the most challenging as dynamics are changing and so do priorities. Most couples face this dilemma when first becoming parents -keeping the relationship going but also facing the enormous changes a newborn brings . Often, no one prepares us for such a tremendous life change.

    Wondering if you are able to access supports like parent groups, playgroups, family counseling and various resources like parentzone, Parentline, lifeline and the confidential chat lines BeyondBlue offers in this page.

    It is not unusual for mothers to experience post-natal depression as the hormones in the body go heywire after giving birth. Also, conflict with the partner is common as they are trying to deal with all these changes in their own way. Especially if addictions are at play, as you mentioned, things can be very blurry and complicated.Often the addict has a relationship with their addiction and if you stop enable them and divert your attention to something else, in this case your baby, then they’ll become distant or aggressive towards you as their primary needs are not getting met. So, it’s of outmost importance to look after your self as a priority and then your baby. Your partner is a big boy and he’ll cope.

    Unfortunately, unless your partner recognizes his issues and addictions and is willing to do something about it to improve things for his own and your sake and your baby’s sake, there’s nothing you can do apart from looking after your own health, your rest and peace of mind so you can be in a position to provide for your baby.

    1 person found this helpful
  4. JazzK
    JazzK avatar
    31 posts
    3 March 2018
    I haven't replied to anyone on here and the reason ive let almost 3 weeks slide is because i have just felt so much anger. Not only anger i am ashamed, dissapointed but also scared for even being alive. And i have to stop suger coating why i am sad and its my partner making me feel so shit all the god damn time. I mean its easy to Say something but actions is a whole another world. And im not thinking avout me self im thinking about my baby too. I love my partner but i just feel like i cant please him. I clean i cook i give him space to recieve nothing but complains or his time with him. It absolutly annoys me he priotises his friends and addictions. I have spoken to him to have a balanced life and to have time for myself too. I am just so angry. Tonigjt i went to a comady festival i went with my sister and it was a late show. It started late and finished late and before the show even finished msgs and phone calls having a go at me. As soon as i got home he dissapears and as soon as i entered the house my happiness just dropped. I sit in bed now alone wishing i was happy and ok but in reality im not. Im lonely and sad and i just dont know what to do. I love being a mum but i also regret where i am in life. I have so much love to give im so envious of people around me i dont know howbto make me happy anymore im trying so hard to just not hurt myself 😢
    1 person found this helpful
  5. Donte'
    Multicultural Correspondent
    • Foundation members of our Multicultural Experiences section
    • Greece
    • LGBTI
    Donte' avatar
    845 posts
    4 March 2018 in reply to JazzK
    If you or anyone you know needs help:
    Lifeline on 13 11 14
    Kids Helpline on 1800 551 800
    MensLine Australia on 1300 789 978
    Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467
    Beyond Blue on 1300 22 46 36
    Headspace on 1800 650 890
    1 person found this helpful
  6. Donte'
    Multicultural Correspondent
    • Foundation members of our Multicultural Experiences section
    • Greece
    • LGBTI
    Donte' avatar
    845 posts
    4 March 2018 in reply to JazzK

    Hi JazzK,

    That is a terrible place to be - stuck in a relationship that is unfulfilling and left all alone to deal with it. I understand how angry and hurt this make you feel.

    Being in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable and battling with addictions on top of it is not helping your mental health and well-being and is stressing you and the baby out.

    Is there anything you can change? I think it’s great that you went to the comedy festival. Having a night out is pivotal for you right now. Being a mum and doing it all alone is not easy. I was stuck in unfulfilling marriage for fifteen years. The loneliness, the desperation, the depression and anxiety it gave me pushed me to say enough is enough and walk away. It took me years but I did it. I raised my child as a single parent since the age of 9 and that was very tough at times, however, I prefer to be by myself rather than with an absent partner. I feel less lonely when I’m by myself and the sense of low mood and sadness and heaviness that was present in my life has been lifted drastically. I’m not saying to walk away. All I say is that sometimes we drift apart or a partner may not be capable or willing to partake in their parental responsibilities and in that case the other partner has to take action. If after you communicate clearly your needs and wants, he continuous to choose other things. Score you and his baby, then you may have to make some tough choices.

    It’s a pity to not being able to enjoy fully being a mum due to his behavior. Have you spoken to him about it? Is your partner aware of how much he affects you? Is he willing to talk? To negotiate? Can you come up with an agreement on who’s going to be doing what in your family? You shouldn’t have to feel that is your responsibility to look after or care for your partner. He’s a big boy. He can look after himself. Your priority is your baby who’s fully depended on you in this stage in life and of course look after yourself. Give yourself a pat on the back. Take a break. Laugh more. Surround yourself with whatever makes you happy and brings you joy and calmness. And please keep talking to us. Don’t bottle things in. If you or your partner needs help:
    Lifeline on 13 11 14
    Kids Helpline on 1800 551 800
    MensLine Australia on 1300 789 978
    Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467
    Beyond Blue on 1300 22 46 36
    Headspace on 1800 650 890

    1 person found this helpful
  7. JazzK
    JazzK avatar
    31 posts
    13 March 2018 in reply to Donte'

    Hi Donte

    Thank you for your reply.

    Im sorry to hear about your relationship ending after 15 years. I hope you have found a happier and more fufilling life with happiness and people that surrond you with love. Ive taken on board what you have said about communication and talking things through but it always seems to end up in an arguement or thoughts it back at me with flaws i recently done. In the past week the things I've noticed is tgere is zero conversation only complaints that come from him in that we communicate. I have shut dine in t alking to him in fear if u say something wrong, i wont hear the end of it and just get myself in a dark frame of mind which im trying ti st ay clear from. I love the guy and he is great and a great father theres no doubt about its just in a shitty routine. I try and make myself busy but when im alone surrounded by so many happy people i get so jealous of it. I just dont know what to do from here but coming in here is my only option right now in to expressing what i need to say.

    1 person found this helpful
  8. Donte'
    Multicultural Correspondent
    • Foundation members of our Multicultural Experiences section
    • Greece
    • LGBTI
    Donte' avatar
    845 posts
    14 March 2018 in reply to JazzK

    Thank you JazzK,

    Leaving my marriage was the best thing I've ever done. Even my daughter often says 'dad how could you be married all these years to mum? There's no way I could have done it!' So, no regrets here. Often we are so conditioned by society and culture that we need another half, that we are not complete by ourselves. That's truly a myth.

    Sometimes we need to think if love is enough. What is it that we really love about a person? And we need to be brutally honest with ourselves.

    Life hasn't been better! Hope you can find the strength to look at the situation for what it is and make some tough decisions for your own happiness. Surely there must be better ways to spend our days than feeling so bad. Dare to dream! X

    2 people found this helpful
  9. JazzK
    JazzK avatar
    31 posts
    17 March 2018
    Tonight ive really hit the bottom... tonight i made strength to come back home and be with my daughter. I sit at the end of the bed crying in tears after a big fight my partner and i had. A fight now which means we a seriously separate people. It seems like im always in the wrong snd now he is asking me to pay half rent half the bills (im still only just about to start work casually only twice a week). I honestly wish there was an easier way to die. And no i dont care about what happens after because i wont be here. Im not happy being by myself im not happy in this relationship i suck as a mother im selfish to everyone and only thing about myself. I hate myself i hate how i look how i feel all the time.
    1 person found this helpful
  10. JazzK
    JazzK avatar
    31 posts
    19 March 2018
    Im very mentally and emotionally and physically unwell and dead.. ive seriosly lost people that once mattered with me. My bestfriend, now my partner. Im sick of feeling like shit and feeling so worthless. I do wake up every morning with 110 % in my head but it fades quite quickly. I used to be so vibrant but now i just stick to black. The way i mentally feel effects my physically and i look like shit
    2 people found this helpful
  11. Donte'
    Multicultural Correspondent
    • Foundation members of our Multicultural Experiences section
    • Greece
    • LGBTI
    Donte' avatar
    845 posts
    19 March 2018 in reply to JazzK

    Hey Jazz,

    I read your posts with great distress. no one should have to exist like this. Are you seeing a doctor? A Counsellor? Have you discussed medications and other treatment options? You don't have to be a victim in these terrible circumstances. You can change your life. I truly am concerned about your wellbeing. Hope you can seek help straight away.

    Warmest and kindest thoughts X

    2 people found this helpful
  12. JazzK
    JazzK avatar
    31 posts
    1 April 2018
    I feel so rejected by my partner. Today again easter i had to di all the family things in my side by myself. I feel so humiliated that my partner diesnt want to do anything with me. Ive even had to lie today to his parents sayi g he was with me when he is just hanging with his mates. Ive told his parents before and thats lead to me getting verbally abused bucause he didnt want ti put up with his parents crap. Im just so sick and tired of riding solo every single day. Its getting to the point where its just pathetic now. Im angry. Im upset and sad that im trying so hard in this stupid world for people like him that dont care. Trying ti get there attention when in fact there selfish. He then has the nerve to say ' is whats wrong'. . . Are men just dumb at times or what or they play stupid because its easier that way.?
    1 person found this helpful
  13. JazzK
    JazzK avatar
    31 posts
    9 April 2018
    I was actually having a good day. I went and got my eyes tested out. I went and looked at a few shops . Then out of the blue my partner calls questioning me about my appointment and why i was taking to long. I soon just shit down and instantly went in my dark place. What i felt was quite colourful me is just a ugly me . I sit down wondering where to go from here.. personally i rather not be here
    1 person found this helpful
  14. Donte'
    Multicultural Correspondent
    • Foundation members of our Multicultural Experiences section
    • Greece
    • LGBTI
    Donte' avatar
    845 posts
    10 April 2018 in reply to JazzK

    Hi JazzK,

    Hope you are well. Sounds like the lack of interest and support continues on behalf of your partner. That causes understandable sadness, anger and frustration. So your questions are totally valid.

    Wondering what other supports you may be able to access apart from this forum (which I’m delighted that you are utilizing and sharing your experience). Hope this engagement and sharing can provide you with some positive support. I know that in itself though, it may not be enough. Have you talked to a Counsellor online? Or call? Beyondblue had some amazing support services and could help further if you need to.

    Not all men are the same. Not all experiences or relationships are the same. Sometimes we may be too good for our partners. Sometimes, our low self-worth and esteem may be keeping us in less nurturing situations that are not the most positive for our growth. But our mental health can make it very hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Have you seen a doctor?

    Would be good if you are able to address your issues first and get support. Then the rest will follow. X

    Thinking of you.

    1 person found this helpful
  15. JazzK
    JazzK avatar
    31 posts
    6 June 2018

    I wish my partner prioritized me as much as he did with his friends and games. I feel so stupid saying this but i am so lonely. Doing hobbies and seeing my one friend and family i have seems like it should be awesome support but i am really wishing when i come home i could have a chance to talk to my partner. He doesnt really communicate and theres nothing ever to talk about. When i get home from work. He eats then vanishes into the night with his friends or whatever. . Calling friends or family is ok but sometimes i just wanna talk to the one that should have an interest in me. Is this stupid to say? Am i being silly? Most times when we do chat its a complaint if somsthing ive done wrong or ha ent done...

    What do i do

    1 person found this helpful
  16. Donte'
    Multicultural Correspondent
    • Foundation members of our Multicultural Experiences section
    • Greece
    • LGBTI
    Donte' avatar
    845 posts
    7 June 2018 in reply to JazzK

    Hello JazzK,

    What a terrible and lonely place it is when the one you love is not responding in a way that you desire and when you are so alone in this ‘relationship’.

    Have you wondered what is it that keeps you in this unsatisfying relationship which clearly doesn’t meet your needs?

    2 people found this helpful
  17. Donte'
    Multicultural Correspondent
    • Foundation members of our Multicultural Experiences section
    • Greece
    • LGBTI
    Donte' avatar
    845 posts
    7 June 2018 in reply to JazzK

    Hey JazzK,

    I’m so glad that you still engage with us in this forum.

    We may not have the solution to you personal dilemmas but I hope that chatting and exchanging ideas could support you and lead you towards a path of self-care.

    It is easy to get overwhelmed when we are faced with such challenging issues.

    What is your experience with setting goals, having hopes and dreams?

    In trying to understand what is it that keeps you in such an unsatisfying relationship it could help perhaps if you were to try to identify your core values and determine why you feel you have to cling on to something that is not the best for your wellbeing.

    Maybe if you could ask yourself: what is most important to you? Why is that important? What does it give you? You may be able to get some answers.

    Can you remember times when you felt you were really happy and living in line with your values? What was happening? What value were you living?

    It’s not hard to make a decision when you know what your values are. X

    2 people found this helpful
  18. JazzK
    JazzK avatar
    31 posts
    8 June 2018 in reply to Donte'

    Thank you so much for replying to me Donte. I feel silly ranting on this forum about my unsatisfying relationship. It sucks because its easy to say something and try and move on in life but when it comes to actions its harder for me to proceed i guess . Ive always been positive and ive been trying to always see the positive in this relationship. Plus having a baby i just do t know where to go or how to go about it. Im also stuck financially as im building a house with him too so hence when im stuck and really trying to push on day by day. The reason why i come on here is because i feel safe here and it brings me back to light and out of a dark dark mood in which not good thoughts go through my head. So far other then coming back to my daughter, my work place is really my happy place without the people i work with im nit sure how emotionally stable i would be.

    Thanks i really appreciate advice and coming back to basics on knowing my value

    1 person found this helpful
  19. Donte'
    Multicultural Correspondent
    • Foundation members of our Multicultural Experiences section
    • Greece
    • LGBTI
    Donte' avatar
    845 posts
    9 June 2018 in reply to JazzK

    Dear JazzK,

    Thank you for taking time to post in this forum. Please don’t feel bad about it. I hope it helps to share.

    We are all in the same boat in here sharing and caring and offering each other a chance to respectfully share, listen and learn.

    Of course you have your own reasons to remain in this relationship. I am not a counselor and neither a specialist in relationships. Hope I haven’t offended you or being harsh.

    Please continue sharing your story as it unveils. I, for one, am thankful and feel honored to be a part of your journey in here. You are the only one who can make your own choices and you know what’s best for you. X

    2 people found this helpful
  20. JazzK
    JazzK avatar
    31 posts
    2 June 2019
    I'm 28, in a successful working environment, been In a relationship for 5 years, 2 kids, have a house and yet I wish I had died at birth. It almost went my way but why did i have to survive it I wonder. It's so shit holding my beautiful baby boy but wishing I had rathered died... im ok. Its just how i feel. So hard to not be able to talk about this to any one. Not that there isn't anyone, just everyone is to busy these days. I don't even have a best friend and I mentioned before thatsbwhy I lay it all out on this forum. I don't know what I need to help me get through this
    1 person found this helpful
  21. Peppermintbach
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Peppermintbach avatar
    4331 posts
    5 June 2019 in reply to JazzK

    Hi JazzK,

    You sound very lonely and down. I agree that it can be very painful when there doesn’t seem to be people/friends around to share certain experiences with...I wonder if maybe it’s also a little perplexing/confusing to you that while you have a lot going for you (beautiful, wonderful things), you’re still struggling so much....

    You’re always welcome to chat here of course. To lay down your burdens and hurt. I know we may not be able to resolve your issues, but we are listening and we do care...

    Kind and caring thoughts,

    Pepper

  22. JazzK
    JazzK avatar
    31 posts
    31 August 2019
    I was going to post a week ago everything was going ok. But I look back at the past few months and well I'm just ehhhhh whatever. I'd like to start off with an issue I've come across with myself. It came to bath time for my daughter and I've put it on hot (it takes a while to heat up and usually I get my little one undressed and in the meanwhile I usually get the water temp right. This time my partner decided to help as he watch me put some bubbles in he immediately said that's not how he does it, and I replied well I do it this way. He came up with a complaint like usual and I just said not everything has to happen your way and I just walked out the door to go to my son. Now usually I do t put my daughter in yet as I haven't check the water temp with my hand and my partner puts her in and she immediately says it's too hot. Again he has a go at me for making the water too hot and again I just replied, i havent checked it yet as I'm quickly Changing our son and a of not ha r put her in in the hot hot water. He complains again. Now from that little scenario I am so frustrated and just annoyed as I've got the kids ready for bed by myself and my little baby is crying. In also yes I ing my daughter to sleep in her own bed. About two hours later my daughter was getting on my nerves and from all that anger and frustration I smaked her. She cried and fell asleep. I feel so shitty as I shouldn't have done that. My patience wears thin and I'm so angry that my mood can just go to shit and be even shitter around my children just from those complaint ( if you have read my other stuff I'm just not coping with never being good enough for him) . I don't even know where to start other then trying to get it off my chest on this forum . Should I go see someone about my patience wearing thin when I'm just in a crappy mood, is it just because my daughter is in her terrible 2s so it's natural to feel frustrated. I feel like I've become a mean mum when I just want to be a wonderful mother who is happy. I don't want to rage at my beautiful children over these arguments and complaints I receive from my partner.
    1 person found this helpful
  23. Sad1234
    Sad1234 avatar
    3 posts
    31 August 2019 in reply to JazzK
    Donte seems to be pushing the leave your marriage aspect quite strongly. Please ignore that if possible. Thank you.
  24. JazzK
    JazzK avatar
    31 posts
    11 February 2020 in reply to Sad1234
    It's my birthday, 29 and 2 kiddies. Today I thoyghtvthings might change but I was so wrong. From tonight my energy won't be given to the wrong people. I've decided it's just gonna be myself, my daughter and my son. My partner, well he's still there but just doesn't exist in my eyes anymore. Sick of trying to get his attention when I'm screaming out to him and yes that's a metaphor. I've had so many chats within about balance. Balance with friends and with his own family. He said thanks for letting him know and he will change, well the pattern is the same. Nothing new!!!! My energy with him is finished. Today is my birthday and he hasn't even been here, he gave me a phone call saying he has a present coming but he hasn't even been here. I went to put my kids to sleep and yet he just disappears once again, that was at 9pm and it's now 2.10 am. On just disappointment, more so for myself as I shouldnt have to feel so insecure. Like I actually do feel stable, i can just tell I'm wasting my time and it's so sad to say about the one I thought i love. Huge heartbreak. It just sucks as it feels that I'm the stupid one in this relationship

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