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Forums / Sexuality and gender identity / Is it okay to come out when I'm in a monogamous relationship

Topic: Is it okay to come out when I'm in a monogamous relationship

9 posts, 0 answered
  1. PernicketyPony
    PernicketyPony avatar
    1 posts
    2 November 2018

    Hi! I am in what may seem to be like a dumb scenario, but it's causing me some grief.

    I am in a monogamous relationship with someone of the opposite sex. We are married. Our relationship is great, but in recent years I've come to accept the fact that I am attracted to women as well as men.

    I've told my husband this, and he is not bothered one way or the other. I confirmed that I only want to be in a monogamous relationship with him and he feels the same way about him.

    Is it...okay to tell people I'm bi? Even though my only romantic relationship is with someone of the opposite sex? I feel uncomfortable hiding this part of myself, but I am concerned that if I start telling my family and friends they will think I'm just seeking attention and am not genuine.

    Also, would I even be welcome in LGBTIQ spaces, or would I just be taking up room that could more legitimately be occupied by someone else?

    Thanks for taking the time to read this.

    4 people found this helpful
  2. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
    12868 posts
    4 November 2018 in reply to PernicketyPony

    Hello PP, I'm sorry that your thread has been missed, sometimes when the site is busy, especially at night time, different threads go unanswered and then end up on page 2 or 3, my apologies.

    Probably a good question is, how would you feel if someone you love were suffering and came to you, would you be glad they confided in you and would you be ready to help them in any way you could.

    Parents often wonder if there was something they could have done differently that would have prevented you from struggling, but I don't think this is happening, because your husband doesn't mind.

    Thinking through and explaining your thoughts might help them to respond in a way that is more helpful for you, but if you're proud then it won't matter.

    If the word gets out I wouldn't be too worried.

    There would be no reason why you wouldn't be welcome in any LGBTIQ spaces.

    Best wishes.


    2 people found this helpful
  3. Esti67
    Esti67 avatar
    73 posts
    4 November 2018 in reply to PernicketyPony

    Hi PP,

    Tricky one, and one i have experienced. The difference for me is that i wanted to explore it. After doing so i have discovered that i am more attracted to women than men which has opened up a massive can of worms. My prompt to explore this was an article i read on sbs sexuality (on Fakebook) about biphobia and something resonated with me in this article about the sadness of bi's never being able to explore their other side because of discrimination and basically the general public not taking bisexuality seriously. I thought that it would be very sad if i never gave myself that opportunity and that life is short. This prompted me to explore my sexuality which has landed me where i am, in love with a close friend and separating from my husband. My advice, be careful what you wish for. Your husband may be fine now but should you decide to explore, (which you are saying you don't) your world could turn upside down like mine has. So, long story short, sure go ahead and declare it. Lots of people do , there is a B in LGBTQI for a reason. There are more bi's out there than you think. Good luck PP.


    1 person found this helpful
  4. Only I know
    Only I know avatar
    203 posts
    5 November 2018 in reply to PernicketyPony

    Hey PP!

    Welcome! Just a point on this:

    would I even be welcome in LGBTIQ spaces, or would I just be taking up room that could more legitimately be occupied by someone else?

    there is plenty of room! Yes you are welcome.

    You should do whatever you feel comfortable with. There is no right or wrong. Tell those that you want to know.

    Not having experienced it, doesn't mean you are not Bi - you alone know how you feel, who you are attracted to. I've always known I was gay (47 years) but only came out 6 months ago. I've just separated from my wife of 20years whom I love dearly. I moved out on Saturday, leaving my wife and kids. Fortunately she is amazing, and still loves me.

    So do whatever feels right. You only live once, and should be able to be who you are.



    1 person found this helpful
  5. marcus_c
    marcus_c avatar
    92 posts
    5 November 2018
    Hi PernicketyPony, you've had some good responses here, but I just wanted to add a point around the 'being welcome in LGBT spaces', because I'm not sure how much experience the posters above have had with being part of these communities.

    I can only speak from a man's perspective, but I have seen bisexual guys treated with suspicion in the past in gay men's communities. Women may perhaps be more open-minded. I have seen trans people too sometimes having to fight for access to some spaces. It can be a classic case of being shunned from all sides.

    I guess the thing to think about might be, what are you wanting out of this exploration? If you are in a monogamous relationship and planning for things to stay that way, what are you wanting to be different about your life to how it is now? Is it just the opportunity to be in the company of other queer women? (I use that term in its reclaimed sense of people who don't identify with being strictly heterosexual, or conforming to expected gender norms) If so, there are lots of social groups you can join where I'm sure you'll be able to make some great friendships. But I would be clear about deciding what you want before you take that step.

    Same with coming out. What are you hoping to gain by doing it?

    I hope this gives a different perspective and food for thought.
    2 people found this helpful
  6. Johnny_11
    Johnny_11 avatar
    28 posts
    8 November 2018 in reply to PernicketyPony

    hey PP

    I'm a male in a monogamous marriage identifying as bi. My wife and I have discussed this and we've agreed to not tell people, she doesn't feel comfortable about it. If I feel that I need to be more 'authentic' with someone, then I get her ok before I tell them. I've done this with some friends.

    This arrangement has worked fine for me so far. Most people probably don't want to know, it could be "too much information"

    And sometimes you won't get the reaction you expect. One friend, seems to have distance himself since I told him...

    all the best

  7. Padfoot934
    Padfoot934 avatar
    1 posts
    20 November 2018 in reply to PernicketyPony

    My story is also pretty similar. I'm almost 19, female and i have been in a committed relationship with my boyfriend for almost 5 years now.

    I've always known i was bi but I've never had to urge to come out to my family or make a big thing of it. My partner knows i like women too and so does my younger sister but i haven't told anyone else. I'm not sure if i should come out to my mum or not which is something i have been thinking about doing lately but wouldn't really know how? and i feel the same about maybe not being as welcome in the LGBTIQ as some.

    Lately i think I've thought more about the fact that i may never get a chance to explore this side of myself and it makes me a little sad. But i do love my boyfriend and i think it may be something he could be open to exploring with me in the future, however that may be.

    It's really nice to see that there is some support out there for people with issues similar to the ones we have all expressed here and i hope everyone finds some answers.

    P.S I'm a newbie here so it's nice to meet everyone!

    1 person found this helpful
  8. Only I know
    Only I know avatar
    203 posts
    21 November 2018 in reply to Padfoot934

    Hey Padfoot, welcome!

    as for telling people - well you just have to do what feels right. Some people will be okay with it, and some will not understand. I came out as gay - 6 months ago - to my wife of 20 years, then to my family and friends and have had no negativity in my life at all with doing so. I haven't lost friends, in fact I've gained some great ones.

    Just give it some thought, and if it is something you want to do, then go ahead.

    Don't put pressure on yourself, think about what the outcome of telling people is. If you are currently in a loving relationship, then what is it that you want? If your boyfriend is okay with it, and the possibility of exploring it with you then that's awesome. Perhaps explore it first?

    Good luck with whatever you decide. If you think that you'd like to talk to someone about it, there is an organisation called QLIFE, google them and you'll get their number. They are peer based support for LGBTQI+.

    You are just as welcome as everyone else too!


    1 person found this helpful
  9. Jsua
    Jsua avatar
    20 posts
    14 February 2020

    Hello PernicketyPony.

    Great to see that you are opening up to the forum and your post is far from silly.

    I personally hate using labels when it comes to sexuality - like who really needs to know who I am having naughty naughty with right?

    If you were to label me though, it's bi/pan sexual.

    Anyways, I think it's really good that you accept your sexuality as being bi sexual - be true to yourself.

    Judgement - ewww, I hate that word. If someone's judging you, that's their own predicament.

    One of the benefits of being bi-sexual, is having the options of exploring and it doesn't mean you need to leave your husband what so ever. You two could do something together - if you know what I mean. :)

    Stay true to yourself and best wishes.

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