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Forums / Young people / Constant anxiety about my relationship

Topic: Constant anxiety about my relationship

10 posts, 0 answered
  1. Pelicans
    Pelicans avatar
    3 posts
    26 February 2015


    I've been tossing up posting on here - partly because I haven't been sure if I was legitimately suffering from anxiety or if things were actually falling apart (as my mind very much likes to remind me). However, I've posted to another anxiety forum and have had strong suggestions that I am suffering from some kind of anxiety disorder, so here I am. :)

    I've been in a relationship for nine months now with a very understanding, thoughtful - and to me, pretty much perfect - person. The trouble in my relationship happened just over three months ago (during a rather stressful time of exams), when I realised I wasn't feeling constantly excited and giddy as I had before. I get the impression this is normal, however it resulted in me having daily (often twice daily) panic attacks. I'd spend hours hiding under my covers or staring up at the ceiling, convinced that my relationship was falling apart because I wasn't feeling enough. At the start of January I went to a GP and was given a care plan for panic disorder/depression, and a referral to a psychologist. However, both due to my panic attacks becoming less frequent at this time, and the psychologist being booked for months, I didn't use this referral.

    I no longer have panic attacks now, though I still worry constantly about what I'm supposed to feel for my boyfriend, how often I should be feeling it, and whether I'm feeling enough. My mind repeats to me over and over that I don't feel enough, that I don't love him, that I don't think about him enough (ie. not constantly), that the relationship's all a lie, and sends me back into feeling incredibly anxious again. I know I still care very much about him, and do feel things when I'm with him - however by the next day my mind will forget all about that and return to the same thoughts again. The worrying in turn makes me feel exhausted and less romantic, which then makes the worrying even worse.

    I know I need to change my mindset for everything to work out, but I have no idea how to do that. And I'm not sure how long I can take the constant worrying and tears, or burdening my boyfriend with episodes of panicking and bursting into tears when we're together, believing that things are falling apart. But I have no idea what to do.

    If anyone has any advice, it'll be much appreciated. In the meantime, I'll try to keep going, one day at a time (thinking any amount of time into the future just makes me anxious right now). :)

    Thank you for reading this,


  2. CrashCoyote
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    CrashCoyote avatar
    492 posts
    26 February 2015 in reply to Pelicans

    Dear Pelican,

    This is very complicated.

    I urge you to use the referral, pick a different psychologist if the other is booked out. (Do you have an option to use others?) Alternately, ring the 1300 number here.

    I really think talking your feelings out with someone that can not just hear you, but hear your inflection and see your body language would be more helpful.

    Kind regards, John.

  3. snowleopard
    snowleopard avatar
    5 posts
    27 February 2015 in reply to Pelicans

    Hi Pelicans,

     I'm really glad you've posted this because it sounds similar to my experience!

    I've worried about not loving my partner enough or I've gotten really anxious thinking that if a random thought about an ex flies past in my mind it means I don't love my partner and so I'd obsess over trying not to think which only made it worse! 

    I suggest you see the psychologist. I've only recently started but mine has started to touch on this issue with me using "evidence". What is the actual evidence you have that supports this idea you don't love your partner? Is it just your negative thoughts that tell you this? And what supports the idea that you do love your partner? For example, Do you do things together and enjoy the time? Do you try to help him when he is sick or stressed? Does he show love to you?(because if you didn't love him he would notice and this would affect his actions towards you, so his love for you is one bit of proof that the relationship is real!) Writing this in a list is good so you can see it before you.

    I'm still learning to not worry about my relationship but with practice it is getting better. I hope you can find a way to start to recover too!

    Cheers, Snow leopard.

  4. MarkBt
    MarkBt avatar
    15 posts
    27 February 2015 in reply to Pelicans

    Hi Pelicans,

    I can feel there is anxiety in your words and I'd certainly encourage following up with another referral. A good psychologist will help you unpack some of this. I wonder what is driving the anxiety though. For instance I had been in a long term relationship of which I knew wasn't working but I had huge anxiety about being alone. So I stayed in it until she eventually left me and had no choice but to face being alone. I'm not suggesting this is what is happening to you, but it was important for me to be aware and admit that I was afraid/anxious of being on my own so much it completely clouded my judgement and I was unhappy and often depressed. I would never have come to this realisation and be able to move on with future relationships had I not been able to unpack this with a psychologist. Don't worry they are not there judge you, but help with tools to deal with the situation. You will be able to work through it.

  5. CMF
    blueVoices member
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    CMF avatar
    7750 posts
    28 February 2015 in reply to Pelicans


    there are no set rules for how yiu should be feeling and how often and how much.  Every relationship us different and every person is different. You mention that to you he is pretty much perfect - lucky you!  I felt this once and was always worried I wasnt good enough. Have you spoken with him, are you both happy when you're with together. As a relationship grows we do lose some of the giddiness and excitement as we become more relaxed and comfortable with each other. I don't think anyone us expected to think about another person all day every day - we'd never get anything else done :-). Is this your first relationship or serious relationship? I'm wondering if maybe this is why you're worried about how you should be feeling. 

  6. Pelicans
    Pelicans avatar
    3 posts
    6 March 2015 in reply to CMF

    Hello everyone,

    Thank you so much for all of your responses. Sorry for not responding before now, I've had quite a few tough days between then and now so I've been focusing on that so far.I can see everyone agrees I should see a psychologist about this. I'm most definitely considering going back to the doctor and getting another care plan, so I can see someone. Hopefully I'll be able to get booked in this time. :)

    The only thing that's been holding me back from seeing someone again is that each time I consider it I have a slightly better day with not as much worry, and believe that things are getting better. And then once I stop considering it the worrying gets worse again.

    Snowleopard, what you said about evidence does resonate with me. Most of the evidence seems to just be that I go for a long time without thinking about him, and sometimes when I do I don't feel anything romantic. And because of that I become convinced that I'm not as interested in him anymore than I used to be, and that because of this the relationship is falling apart. I'll try my best to use this sort of tactic, since this is the tactic I tend to use when I worry about other things. I've just had more trouble using it for this since there's not really any completely concrete evidence I can get - as much as I'd like there to be something that could go into my head, look at my feelings and tell "You do love him" or otherwise, there's nothing that can do that that I know of.

    Can't Move Forward, you can probably tell this is my first relationship. :P

    I think all of the worrying comes from that - I have no idea what's supposed to happen after the initial getting together part, what's normal and what isn't, and that uncertainty terrifies me. I've panicked similarly about leaving school, but not nearly to this extent.I usually am happy to see him, however I think the anxiety is having an effect on that as well - up until recently I very much looked forward to seeing him and was happy to be with him, though the anxiety's both made me lose interest in everything and made feeling happy quite a bit harder.

    I've had a few emotional talks with my boyfriend about this (I cried, he cried, we both admitted we're quite scared), and he's fully supportive of me getting professional help, so I'll look into that. I want this to work, and I'm scared of how things might turn out if I don't try and do something different.

  7. CMF
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
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    7750 posts
    6 March 2015 in reply to Pelicans

    Hi There Pelicans,

    I think you sort of answered your own question about how you feel about him.  "I've had a few emotional talks with my boyfriend about this (I cried, he cried, we both admitted we're quite scared), and he's fully supportive of me getting professional help, so I'll look into that. I want this to work, and I'm scared of how things might turn out if I don't try and do something different."

    This tells me that you do want to be together and your anxiety is about not knowing how it should be. Its great that you both spoke about it. No one else can tell you how YOUR relationship should be.

    I don't think that because you don't think about him every minute of the day that things are doomed.  Its great that you are comfortable being apart and having your own time and space otherwise you may get sick of each other.  Its common for anxiety to make you lose interest in things you once looked forward to, it takes over and it very hard to be happy when you feel like this. I think when you book the psychologist appointment you feel better because you know that you are going to get help to deal with the issue it gives you a security, so keep the appointment even if you feel great and just explain what you've told us.

    I think I'm running out of space, hope to hear back.

  8. snowleopard
    snowleopard avatar
    5 posts
    20 March 2015 in reply to Pelicans

    Hi Pelicans,

    Sorry I did not reply sooner I hope you are well.

    I'm glad you are considering booking in the psychologist (and maybe by now you've even done so!). In my experience, even though I might be feeling good on the day I see my psychologist, she gives me tools I can try to put to use when I happen to be having a really crap day, so I think it is always worth going.

    Your comment makes it sound like you really do care for your boyfriend and he cares for you. It's totally normal not to think romantically all of the time! At the end of the day, every relationship is different and every relationship requires effort.

    I hope this might help a little.
    Cheers, Snowleopard.

  9. Pelicans
    Pelicans avatar
    3 posts
    28 March 2015

    Hello everyone,

    Sorry it's been so long since I last updated on here. I've both had a lot of things to do for my university studies, and found I have a profound lack of motivation recently. There's been a few days in the last week where I haven't been able to do much more than sit in my house and read the news over and over again. I think I'll be making myself do more things in the near future. :P

     My anxiety's shifted in the past few weeks from constant fear of my relationship breaking down to just feeling constantly exhausted about everything. It's also been doing well to sap the enjoyment out of seeing my boyfriend recently, which has made me recently feel even more uncertain about things. I've started to be kept up at night again, something which stopped about 1-1 1/2 month ago and I was hoping wouldn't come back.

    I saw my boyfriend again, everything came to a head again and we both had another tearful discussion. He told me he doesn't know what to say anymore to make things better and has been worrying that he hasn't been doing enough to improve our relationship, and I completely understand that. It makes me feel bad to have to rely on him so much sometimes just to keep going.

    I think that conversation's convinced us both that I'm not able to solve this on my own, so we're booking an appointment with the doctor on Wednesday to get me onto a second care plan. He's driving me there and going with me, so I can't put it off this time, no matter how many better days I have after contemplating it. :)

    Can't move forward and Snowleopard, your advice about seeing a psychologist just to be safe if things get worse has definitely helped. I've always been somewhat scared of booking an appointment, feeling better by the time it arrives and the doctor not taking me seriously because I don't seem as bad as some of the other days I've had. Fortunately I have my previous care plan from January to back me up though. :)

    The advice on every relationship being different and working differently has also been really helpful. There's been quite a few times where I've searched on the internet for standards on how I should be feel and how much I should be thinking about him, and that's made things a lot worse, particularly since my anxiety's been sapping the enjoyment out of everything recently. I'll try my best not to compare my relationship to any others from now on. :)

    I'll try to post an update on Wednesday, even if it's a short one. :)

  10. KF
    KF avatar
    2 posts
    20 September 2016 in reply to Pelicans

    Hi Pelicans

    Your post resonated strongly with me. Can I ask what the outcome of your situation was?

    Thanks in advance.

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