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Forums / Anxiety / A horse called Workplace Burnout

Topic: A horse called Workplace Burnout

5 posts, 0 answered
  1. jollydolly
    jollydolly avatar
    12 posts
    6 December 2018

    My racing thoughts made me think of horses.

    I've been suffering at work since about January this year, through a combination of imposter syndrome, actually being stretched by the demands of the role, periods of staff changes including being short staffed, losing the trust of my managers, interpersonal conflict with team, financial worries, and relationship problems. And I have a two-year-old.

    So, normal life stuff, but I've reached my limit. I've been trying to make it to the end of the year / find another job, but the stress and my constant mistakes and resulting guilt and fear have caught up with me. I was crying every day over things people said to me or how they looked at me; it would take me half an hour to do something because I was so forgetful; I'd stutter and stammer and lose my train of thought. Added to this was layer of self-recrimination that I didn't take more action earlier; I'd seen this coming and didn't simply say "I can't do this anymore" because of my financial responsibilities and because my partner doesn't wholeheartedly embrace my condition (history of depression and anxiety).

    Over the last few weeks my worst nightmares have come true: work colleagues have seen me unravel, and my partner has seen how weak I am. I feel like I'm totally at rock bottom.

    So now I'm at home lining up appointments to get the documentation to get time off work, and am convinced I'm going to be fired. I'm pretty sure that performance management awaits me in January, but I've convinced myself that my boss will try to skip that step and just find a way to fire me for misconduct. Then of course, I'll lose the house, never get another job, and will lose my daughter.

    I know that those of you in these threads with anxiety will recognise these racing thoughts. I just wanted to share them to hopefully get this horse to slow down, maybe eat some grass and just wander off.

    2 people found this helpful
  2. Doolhof
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    Doolhof avatar
    5814 posts
    7 December 2018 in reply to jollydolly

    Hi jollydolly,

    I like your analogy using a horse. Sorry to read you have yourself is such a situation. Are there any supportive resources in your workplace? You mention fellow staff have noticed you are unravelling, have any of them offered any support?

    Have you been to your Dr to discuss how you are feeling? Is it possible to get a sickness certificate for a while?

    All organisations are different and I realise a lot of places still don't understand, recognise or accept mental health issues.

    Are there things you can do at home to help you feel better about yourself and your family?

    Can you find ways to take that "horse" out for run so it becomes tired and a little more quiet (calm your mind) or maybe just leading the horse to water so it can drink may help to calm you down.

    Please don't see yourself as weak, but as suffering and needing some help! Mental health issues are not a weakness, they are an illness!

    Please don't feel like you have to do this alone. Seek out help and advice. Have a chat to your Dr. See what help is available to you.

    Please know this is a safe place for you to share how you are feeling. The Beyond Blue website had a lot of information as well you may find beneficial.

    I have used the phone help line a few times on 1300 22 4636 and have found the support staff there very helpful.

    Wishing you well on your journey and hope you receive the help you need right now.

    Cheers from Dools

    1 person found this helpful
  3. LauraRH
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    LauraRH avatar
    5 posts
    7 December 2018 in reply to jollydolly

    Hi jollydolly,

    Thought I'd introduce you to my horse, her name is 'worst case scenario'. Occasionally she thinks she's a carousel and goes round and round and round. You may be glad to hear my horse is currently moving at a more gentle trot (oh. thank. god.) But every now again she rears up (pardon the pun) and I have to reign her in again (ok, I'll stop now).

    Sometimes it's hard doing all the things, whilst trying to save face so to speak. But eventually something has to give, and that's OK! Surrendering to your situation is vastly different to giving up, I applaud you for recognizing that enough is enough and taking action, it's a confronting and crappy place to be. And once you reach this stage, of course your horse will rear up and tell you that you could have done it sooner, better etc. Must do all the things... never quite good enough... everything that could possible go wrong will... the worst case scenario will eventuate with a cherry on top.

    I don't want to make light of your situation, hoping to provide you a little light relief and let you know there are a whole heap of us horses out there all fighting the same battle. Whenever you horse races off, just consider... but what if things do turn out OK in the end? (because they will.. eventually...)

    2 people found this helpful
  4. jollydolly
    jollydolly avatar
    12 posts
    9 December 2018 in reply to Doolhof

    Thanks Doolhof, for your kind words and advice. I took the horse to a psychologist after getting a miraculous last-minute cancellation appointment, and it was somewhat calmer after that. I'm being very diligent and doing the tasks I was set by the psychologist, hoping for the best. I've also been seeing a GP fairly regularly over the last few weeks who was new to me, but is rapidly becoming my best mate. My friends have also been amazing, so I'm very lucky and grateful for their support.

    I know it's not weakness....at least, usually I know. And I know I would want to help someone else who was feeling this way. Thanks again.

  5. jollydolly
    jollydolly avatar
    12 posts
    9 December 2018 in reply to LauraRH

    Thank you, Laura. I'm definitely getting toughened up at the moment, and I know that one way or another, as long as it might take, I will get out of this horrendous place I'm in and move into something better. As you guessed, I've been calculating how much better off I might have been if I had done something earlier...I would like to one day tell the story of a horse I used to have that was called 'Should', and one day it broke its leg and had to be put down.

    I guess we imagine the worst case scenario as some kind of defense mechanism? But it's so counterproductive because it really hurts and is exhausting! A very inefficient defense.

    Thanks for continuing the horse analogies, puns and all. It really does help to know I'm part of a herd.

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