My racing thoughts made me think of horses.
I've been suffering at work since about January this year, through a combination of imposter syndrome, actually being stretched by the demands of the role, periods of staff changes including being short staffed, losing the trust of my managers, interpersonal conflict with team, financial worries, and relationship problems. And I have a two-year-old.
So, normal life stuff, but I've reached my limit. I've been trying to make it to the end of the year / find another job, but the stress and my constant mistakes and resulting guilt and fear have caught up with me. I was crying every day over things people said to me or how they looked at me; it would take me half an hour to do something because I was so forgetful; I'd stutter and stammer and lose my train of thought. Added to this was layer of self-recrimination that I didn't take more action earlier; I'd seen this coming and didn't simply say "I can't do this anymore" because of my financial responsibilities and because my partner doesn't wholeheartedly embrace my condition (history of depression and anxiety).
Over the last few weeks my worst nightmares have come true: work colleagues have seen me unravel, and my partner has seen how weak I am. I feel like I'm totally at rock bottom.
So now I'm at home lining up appointments to get the documentation to get time off work, and am convinced I'm going to be fired. I'm pretty sure that performance management awaits me in January, but I've convinced myself that my boss will try to skip that step and just find a way to fire me for misconduct. Then of course, I'll lose the house, never get another job, and will lose my daughter.
I know that those of you in these threads with anxiety will recognise these racing thoughts. I just wanted to share them to hopefully get this horse to slow down, maybe eat some grass and just wander off.