This is hard to write. I feel like a failure as I write this and wonder if I will ever gain confidence to work again.
Management has changed and the environment is awful.
Under new management I feel targeted (as do other staff) for example I was asked by a colleague for some Panadol during work hours and was advising her of the pain relief, (she is pregnant - I was unsure what she could have). Management came straight up, stood directly beside me asking "is everything alright?" She stood there until my coworker took her choice and I continued work. What upset me is that while my actions were questioned another two colleagues were chatting (one even sitting on the others desk in plain site), and another had talked all day (she has a very loud voice) showing anyone and everyone her phone disagreement with her sister in law, continuing to do so all afternoon also. Neither of these were or are ever spoken to.
One afternoon I was on lunch, and a manager yelled at me to stop gossiping and get back to work.
Yesterday I was called into the office and my work was reviewed. The meeting was very formal and I was called out on errors made which I accept full responsibility for. However I am now told if I make these again I will receive a written warning. Other colleagues are making the same errors, one of which I discussed the process with recently and her response was to say she "doesn't give a shit" (same co-worker who never get in trouble).
Other staff have left, saying they are glad to leave this toxic workplace. One While another has confided in me she has anxiety as a direct result from work.
I am trying to apply for other work but my confidence in my own ability is gone. I am constantly nervous and trying not to make errors, and anxiety comes along and while i try to ride through the fear, shakes, nausea etc I am so scared I think I will vomit or poop myself at my desk.
When I look at job sites i am so unsure of myself and my abilities I don't apply for anything for fear I am not able. The jobs I can apply for finish outside my childrens day care hours or affect my arthritis pain.
I desperately need a new job and immediate confidence in myself but don't feel I am winning this battle or even "floating " through it gracefully. .I have had awful dreams all night and waking continuously.
I am feeling a failure and bad example to my children.