First and foremost I have very high functioning autism. And lately, for most of this year I have been working on survivor mode and autopilot.
I feel incredibly disconnected from myself. Each day I barely get dressed properly. I take two showers a day. I feel completely overwhelmed. I am flying through university, as I am an overachiever. However, with every spare second I get to myself I just feel so utterly drained and emotionally exhausted.
Unfortunately, I have to mask myself for my university classes.
I have to do a one year pathway in order to get into the degree that I want.
The pathway is heavily sports orientated. And I am flying through it. Even though I am certainly not a sports person!
I have roughly under six weeks left and then I can get my Diploma.
I’ve been masking for YEARS. And I had never realised it. I mask my autistic traits so some of the Neuro typical people, around me in my course, don’t feel so uncomfortable. It’s frustrating. Working in groups to complete assessments can be utterly debilitating and taxing, on my psychological health too. I find that - conversing with unfamiliar people can make me really want to step away and become even more reserved. More specifically, if they don’t react in a positive light. I’m actively working on this trait of mine though.
I just feel so disconnected from my body, soul and spirit. I feel drained. I enjoy my university work, of course. As it temporarily distracts my mind of my mundane thoughts.Or somewhat at least. I love actually creating the work. And I am successfully passing, so that is amazing!!
Consequently though, when I don’t have online classes or it’s the weekend - I just feel so deprived of sometimes sleep, energy and motivation.
I know it will all be so worth it in the long run though. I can feel it. I just feel so mentally frustrated and drained at the moment. I am hoping that it will all pass soon though ...