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Forums / Anxiety / I had an anxiety attack at work and now have a week off...feel guilty

Topic: I had an anxiety attack at work and now have a week off...feel guilty

  1. Jessksch
    Jessksch avatar
    16 posts
    26 April 2022

    So some personal things have happened through the years: both my parents passed away in 2014 and 2015, my brother sueing us for the inheritance...recently my partner tried a new job to an area with hopes we can buy a house there but the job didn't work out and now we're lost not being able to afford a house.

    That all has passed and I work in a job I'm ok with, but difficult to balance full-time work and life. It has been a year and last week was stressful, people kept coming to me about mistakes I made every day, then one day my supervisor mentions a mistake AND that I am working too slow, I lost it.

    I ran to the bathroom trying to do breathing exercises, but the body wouldn't listen and tears started pushing through until I just let it out.

    I washed my eyes and continued work, but quiet and people knew something was wrong. At the end of the day I called in sick for the next day and saw a doctor who gave me a week off for stress leave, I have already been off a few times this year and seeing a doctor and a psychologist again today but the guilt of not being able to cope is overwhelming.

    I keep thinking of the future, where and how can we afford a home without renting? How am I able to function in the real world? What is the point of it all?... I was on medication and it has helped through the year, now taking another medication so I can sleep at night, but anxious dreams still come up though able to fall asleep in less than an hour at least.

    I'm trying so hard not to loose it, yes I should relax and it is a disease, but in real life nobody will give you a break and it makes you a loser for it.

    I have been thinking of just working as a cashier again part-time, but feel like a loser. Especially since I always wanted to sell my art but nobody buys it even with paid advertisement so now I don't know what to do in my life.

    I don't have anything to look forward to, nothing excites me anymore and my passion for life has run dry.

  2. That Other Guy
    That Other Guy avatar
    125 posts
    26 April 2022 in reply to Jessksch

    I'm sorry to hear life is tough. Don't feel guilty for being human. I am 53 and I can't imagine being in my 20s and trying to get started in the world as it is now, it's obviously stressful. If you're able to take a week of stress leave then hopefully that means your work is supportive, can you talk to them about ways to make work easier for you? Not that you don't want to work but that the ways you're being talked to now, degrades the quality of your work and is bad for everyone?

    I don't see any way past the issue of housing unaffordability, I think we're entering a world where people don't automatically assume they will own a home. That's out of your control. I'm sure you're doing the best you can, and that's all anyone can ask of you.

    There's been a lot of talk about mental health, society is changing and most people take it seriously nowadays I would hope?

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Guest_7403
    Guest_7403 avatar
    413 posts
    26 April 2022 in reply to Jessksch

    I guess you need to try and look at the rational side and take some constructive criticism..

    Ask work what you seem slow on, ask them about the mistakes your making and ask them to retrain you in certain areas, or for advice on how to future proof making those same mistakes.

    Try to be proactive and the rest will come.

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Jessksch
    Jessksch avatar
    16 posts
    26 April 2022 in reply to That Other Guy

    Thank you, it actually makes me feel better that others can see how difficult it is to survive mentally in this day and age.

    Sadly I don't think my work will be very supportive, I don't have money troubles as I do get a small income as an inheritance, and I am prepared that I may be fired due to so many days I've been taking off.

    As I said, maybe I just am not physically capable of working full-time and will look for a part-time or casual job, but it still makes me sad in self-esteem wise that I haven't made it to sell as an artist or a career.

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Fiatlux
    Fiatlux avatar
    198 posts
    26 April 2022 in reply to Jessksch

    Don’t give up on your dreams. Keep doing your art. Someone, some day will appreciate what you do.

    I totally understand that you feel that your employer or workplace will not be very supportive. I have worked in very stressful corporate environments in the past and anyone who had any issues where seen as a liability.

    You are not very happy with the work place and this is evident in your performance lately.

    I agree that you hang in there, if you can until something more suitable comes up. Don’t stop looking for a more suitable work place.

    Life can feel overwhelming at times and I was fortunate enough to have my Dad around when my children were young. Although he never helped financially, his moral support was enough.

    You need a rest and a recharge. You will get that passion for life again.

    1 person found this helpful
  6. james1
    Multicultural Correspondent
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    26 April 2022 in reply to Jessksch

    Hey Jessksch,

    Welcome to the forums! The others have said a fair bit about how life can just be really overwhelming and it's okay to feel stressed and anxious, because things really are tough. It sucks that work may not be very supportive, and whatever happens, I hope it works out for the better. Sometimes, it is even better to get out of an unsupportive job, than stay stuck in it.

    What you said in your latest post about feeling sad self-esteem wise about not being able to sell your art stuck out to me. I have a friend whose parents are both arty and made that their career, and is an artist himself. When we spoke a number of years ago, my friend also expressed similar thoughts because it was so hard to sell art. I think a large part of that is that people just don't buy art anymore, so you end up putting so much of your time and effort and hopes into something that people just don't really understand or respect. It's a really tough gig.

    For me, I would like to write for a career but I feel like there are so many hopeful authors that I just wouldn't get a look in. I worry that I wouldn't be good enough, and I worry about the feeling of disappointment in myself if I tried and failed. It's tough, and I don't really know the answer. But I know it's a mental burden that kind of sticks around and I really hope you can use this week off to really just recharge and rest. There's enough going on as it is to then add guilt on top of it all, especially when you are taking time off for very legitimate and real reasons.

    James

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Jessksch
    Jessksch avatar
    16 posts
    26 April 2022 in reply to Guest_7403

    Oh I do! I really do and I apologize for my mistakes! The problem is I have a huge work load and to edit like 150 photographs, each with 5-7 people whose heads I have to edit in, and remove things from the environment. I have to do things quickly and correctly the first time. One or two mistakes will come up and they will tell me and I apologize and try to work a bit slower so I can check on mistakes, but now I'm being too slow...

    I have only been working in this industry in a year, and suddenly last month things have just not been good.

  8. Jessksch
    Jessksch avatar
    16 posts
    26 April 2022 in reply to Jessksch

    Thank you all for the loving support, it means a lot to me that I'm not the only one going through this struggle when everyone around me in real life seems totally normal and unemotional, able to cope with it all.

    I'm talking to my psychologist today and hopefully she can give me some insight about everything.

  9. Jessksch
    Jessksch avatar
    16 posts
    26 April 2022 in reply to Jessksch

    Ah dear, due to a misscommunication, somehow I received an appointment confirmation by email for today for my psychologist, but it's her day off! So even the centre didn't have in their system and no reply from the psychologist.

    I don't blame her, it is her day off, though pretty disappointed that I won't be able to talk to someone now.

    I have higher and higher anxieties as soon as Friday comes up again for my back to work day, that I have to face them being angry I took the week off (I did write and email but never got a reply).

    I just don't know what to do, I just want to do a job where I can concentrate on work and not worry about getting along with people, not so much pressure and make a living while still having time for a life.

    I should be able to cope with a full-time job as many have survived, but I just seem to be too weak for it.

  10. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6830 posts
    26 April 2022 in reply to Jessksch
    Hi Jessksch,

    Feeling like your supports and networks have dropped out from you unexpectedly can be huge - good of you to show understanding that no one can be available all the time, and that even healers need days off. Nevertheless, we acknowledge that it is frustrating when the anxiety voice likes to co-opt aloneness and quiet.

    Please be very cautious though, around once again letting the 'Black Wolf" voice tell you that your frustration and concern is 'weakness' or that you are too weak to navigate a job full-time.
    Jobs all have their good and bad points - and some you will be compatible with, and some you will not. It isn't shame or weakness to not feel like something is right for you - but be careful that, again, the voice of Anxiety isn't just corrupting an opportunity for the sake of keeping you where you are.

    As always, if you need someone to talk to, you are always welcome to reach out to us here -1300 22 4636. We are happy to be here for you, 24/7!

    Don't give up on yourself, and please reach out whenever you need to!

    Regards,

    Sophie M  
  11. Jessksch
    Jessksch avatar
    16 posts
    27 April 2022 in reply to Sophie_M
    Thak you, I do have another appointment and feel a bit sad it all never works out for me. Just having to find something that I'm compatible with has really drained me, let alone just finding a job is stressful enough. But I'm keeping strong!
  12. Jessksch
    Jessksch avatar
    16 posts
    29 April 2022 in reply to Jessksch

    I just wanted to let everyone know: I gave my two weeks notice today, but let them start it next week so they have time to find someone else.

    Everyone at work was very kind and friendly and were extra nice, but I knew deep inside it would all come to a head if I stayed.

    I feel a great relief but not fooling myself that the future will be stressful as well, but hopefully not so much. I still feel a sense of guilt I couldn't take full-time work, and afraid if anything in my future happens that I won't be able to cope, but hope nothing like that will happen.

  13. james1
    Multicultural Correspondent
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    james1 avatar
    3061 posts
    30 April 2022 in reply to Jessksch

    Hey Jessksch,

    Sorry I didn't get a chance to get back to you until today.

    Well done on handing in the notice. It sounds like you made the right choice for where you are and where you want to be, and I'm glad you are feeling a great sense of relief. As you say, the future will have less stress now that you have the full-time work off your back, at least for the time being.

    I understand you're afraid that you might not be able to cope in the future, but let's just start with the here and now. With the right support, hopefully full time work might be something you can look to work towards in the future.

    Speaking of which, when has your appointment been rescheduled to?

    James

  14. Jessksch
    Jessksch avatar
    16 posts
    3 May 2022 in reply to james1

    Hi sorry a lot has been going on, I had a talk with my psychologist about everything and she was very helpful . I had a game plan for my future to find a part-time job, but kind of messed up now...

    You see, I gave my two weeks notice and was supposed to come in to work those two weeks. I called him the day before to still get off a Tuesday as I had a job interview for a pet shop job! However, my boss was not happy and told me not to come in anymore at all.

    I don't mind but honestly sad. I really hope I get this job at the pet shop, has always been my dream but am realistic in that it's not going to be perfect. The amazing part is that it may have potential for a future manager, and if I'm not happy the pets are coming from recognized breeders or not treated well, I can always have the power to change that! ( I was studying a vet nursing degree for a while but then lost it due to me being an idiot and pressuring my supervisors to take more time to teach me, they hated it and got rid of me).

    Right now my main concern is not to spend much money till I find a part-time job, but cleaning around the house and doing everything at home while my partner starts his new work.

    I guess I shouldn't care if my partner is happy or not, but still don't like his disappointment when he will hear I burned bridges with my full-time job...

  15. james1
    Multicultural Correspondent
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    james1 avatar
    3061 posts
    9 May 2022 in reply to Jessksch

    Hey Jesskch,

    I'm really glad you managed to have a helpful chat with your psychologist, and it sounds like you have a good plan for this in-between time while you find a new part time job.

    I also hope you get this pet shop job. I don't like to put all the eggs in one basket, but I love animals and it sounds like a good place to work. Hopefully you can get it, otherwise I'm sure there are going to be other places too.

    How has the last week been for you? Sorry I haven't been able to reply. My housemate is away and it's just me and three animals, so it's been a bit crazy at home!

    James

  16. Jessksch
    Jessksch avatar
    16 posts
    14 May 2022 in reply to james1

    Hi! Thank you so much for the reply, I really appreciate it having someone to listen to me. Things have been pretty busy and good actually: I got the pet shop job and start next week!

    Sadly a few other things have been really ruining the good news for me: our dream of finding a house that is affordable has gone down the dumps and we have to now try and be happy with just renting all of our lives.

    You see, most people our age move back with their parents for a few years to save up for a deposit for a house, but we don't have that option at all...

    My fiance is quite happy in his job as it's very secure and not stressful and he enjoys it, I would never want to take that away from him so moving to other areas isn't an option either...

    I feel like he also blames me now for only going to work part-time, though subconciously. He's been wonderful but I feel he's started to resent me for that.

    I dunno, mixed feelings of relief,sadness, anger,guilt at the moment.

  17. Forrest
    Forrest avatar
    65 posts
    14 May 2022 in reply to Jessksch

    Hi there Jessksch.

    It's quite a saga you've been through. I know I'm late to the party as it seems you've been posting about your situation since April and I'm just now reading about it all, but I just wanted to say hi and offer my warm thoughts toward you and all that's been happening for you.

    I'm glad there have been people here for you to check in with throughout your leaving the previous job and trying to get seen by a psych. That was a rough road huh. I also have a history of trying to hold it together in a job and my body not just co-operating with what I'm trying to be. What a shame that even with the process of leaving and looking for relief there had to be that last painful and uncomfortable interaction with your boss getting cross because you needed a day off for the interview. At least maybe that can provide you with an extra confirmation that leaving was the right move because even the transition out was unaccommodating right to the end.

    I'm noticing a theme throughout your posts of a knee jerk response toward guilt. In my experience this tends to indicate that you are good hearted person because you care about how you affect others, so cudos to you for being a kind and responsible human. Have you considered along the way how to differentiate when guilt serves a useful purpose and when it is only hurting yourself and not helping anyone? The good you want for others which manifests as guilt, is good that you deserve for yourself as well. <3

    There's also the way your situation is affecting your partner, and (separately) the way you perceive it affecting him. I'm not going to presume to know what you should do or what you have tried, I just wanted to offer my empathy about it. I would guess you have probably had conversations about it all with him. I wonder if there are any helpful creative approaches to getting an accurate picture of what is happening for you both and what you can do about it to help the both of you. I absolutely have experienced the intricate complications of adding a relationship to the mix of mental health struggles (and the twists they add to life) and am not going to pretend it's simple or easy.

    I do tend to appear and disappear from these forms at times because of my own struggles so need you to know that if and when I become silent it's not personal (and also doesn't mean I've stopped hearing you, possibly just that I'm unable to respond.)

    I would love to hear how you find your new job. <3

  18. Jessksch
    Jessksch avatar
    16 posts
    14 May 2022 in reply to Forrest

    Oh my relationship with my partner is wonderful! Of course he has been depressed about not being able to get a house and the job he hoped for didn't work out, so it has been difficult for us. I have been trying to not loose it in front of him as he became more and more depressed, and then started having the break down at my work due to all that pressure as well.

    However, we had been talking, and he know ususally when I get depressed I say I am depressed , I need a moment and go take a nap and sleep. Usually the next day or a few days after I feel better, and if not, I make an appointment with my psychologist. This is what I had done and she was the one who talked to me about if I can only work part-time and made me realize I was just pushing myself like everyone else.

    Today we talked because yesterday he brought up another friend who bought a house, but only because they moved back in with their parents to save money. I told him this and this morning when he came back to work he told me he realized this job he has is just too good and stable that he doesn't want to quit. He said he realized we have to rent now for our entire lives, and we both don't have the energy to invest in an appartment only to get a house when we reach over 50...just seems pointless.

    It's sad many that I talk to on reddit believe that the problem is me working part-time, but even us both working full-time, in the expensive city we live in, we weren't able to afford it. Everyone always says "start out with a small property then move up from there" but it just seems so stupid and pointless when everyone else back in the day got a house with one income alone!

    I am depressed in a way because no matter where I turn, yes, we are seen weak in society and I hate that I couldn't stay at this job and force myself to continue with it.

  19. Forrest
    Forrest avatar
    65 posts
    14 May 2022 in reply to Jessksch

    Thanks for explaining a bit more about how you feel and what you are going through. It sounds like coming to terms with the acceptance of having to change your goals is a big deal for both of you, which is quite understandable!

    I didn't mean to make you feel like I was saying you didn't have a wonderful relationship with your partner. I was just responding to these couple of comments you made:

    "I guess I shouldn't care if my partner is happy or not, but still don't like his disappointment when he will hear I burned bridges with my full-time job..."

    "I feel like he also blames me now for only going to work part-time, though subconciously. He's been wonderful but I feel he's started to resent me for that."

    It sounded a bit like maybe you had thoughts and feelings about your perceptions of his thoughts and feelings that you hadn't told him or weren't sure how to approach in a way that was both reassuring for you and considerate of him at the same time? I know those can be difficult dynamics to navigate. But if I'm misunderstanding you, that's fine too, I apologise.

    Either way it really sounds like you've done some really important introspection and rearranged your life in important ways that are in line with the values you've had to priorities, which is very challenging to pull off so good job! And if I'm hearing you right it's really hard to deal with other people's opinions when they might not understand why your priorities are arranged how they are because they might not have experienced the direness of what it's like to need to do things that way and why.

  20. Jessksch
    Jessksch avatar
    16 posts
    14 May 2022 in reply to Forrest

    No need to apologize! If anything it was also how I worded things, my guilt and frustration of it all, I always feel like people never understand, and mostly they don't or want to. Not that everything is perfect, my partner is great, but he's been through a lot of very very very stressful situations and can't understand sometimes how "little" things can get me down.

    But I have learnt to stand up for my feelings, but it still doesn't make me second-guess myself all the time, so many people are going through much tougher circumstances and see a way through, I must be too weak for the world is what my mind sometimes says.

    Not to mention we have still been looking at houses and appartments, I should really stop, it makes me anxious.

    Then I told my new work I could start on the 19th for my two weeks notice from my old job (even though they told me not to come in anymore, I wanted some time to relax) I get a message this weekend asking again when I can work and told them the 19th I'm available. Now I'm stressing if they really want to give me the job or not.

  21. Forrest
    Forrest avatar
    65 posts
    15 May 2022 in reply to Jessksch

    It can be exhausting how our brains don't stop. The world doesn't stop so there's always something to engage with and stress over.

    Frustrating the people at the new job seem confused! Have you managed a clear conversation about your start date to undo any ambiguity?

    About people going through tougher circumstances... Experience is relative, we actually really don't know what people see, think or experience. Maybe it's tougher on them than they're letting on. Even if not, what exactly does "seeing a way through" look like, or even mean about them? Maybe a lot of people who are ignoring stress could be in trouble down the road because of it, and maybe your noble example of standing up and making a point about noticing and actioning what's really important can help someone be brave enough to think about how they can apply wisdom to their situation as well, which will look different for everyone.

    It's tough for people who are standing out from the crowd as the front runners of bearing the weight of feeling misunderstood, but hopefully with time this can help normalise the voice of mental health, and chip away at what people don't quite understand about it yet. In that sense you can actually think of yourself as a hero, which is a position of strength.

    About "too weak for the world", I do understand that feeling! Consider flipping it around the other way. Imagine trying to lift a car. When you consider you can't lift it, it would seem reasonable, and not something to be ashamed of. Nobody should really be trying to lift something that big, and those who are, are possibly damaging themselves.

    If it became normal for people to be expected to lift things that heavy all the time, and was socially unacceptable to complain about it, you'd expect there to be people not managing, and pretending to. If there were people who had "evolved" to do it, it wouldn't mean those who need to say, "that is unreasonable and not something I can do" need to feel shame or label themselves as weak. It'd be accurate and acceptable to say, "that is too heavy for me to lift;" a statement about the monstrous and often ridiculous nature of the task, not the person. It's technically accurate to say the person is too weak to lift it, but that doesn't mean that the person is weak, just that the object is unreasonably heavy.

    If the world is too much for you, that is ok! It's a problem with how the world is, not a statement about you and your value, talent, strength or admirability.

  22. Jessksch
    Jessksch avatar
    16 posts
    15 May 2022 in reply to Forrest

    Thank you for your reply! It has really helped me see things better, and today I do feel so much better about things.

    I got a message from my work today telling me my hours and working two days for next week, which is great! I just will talk to them in person about the money and contract. I know one should really talk about how much a job is at the interview but honestly don't care about the money anyways.

    We also figured out that we will try and save for a deposit for an appartment, it will take some time, but honestly we have that, plenty of, and we aren't big spenders anyways.

    I am trying not to be all anxious for my new job this week, and I have always been a functioning anxiety/depression sufferer (I always have this mindset that first I have to do what needs to be done: feed the cats, clean, cook so others around me don't suffer for my illness, then take time to feel sad after. If I still feel too strongly, I'll skip a day of cleaning and doing work around the house and take some time for myself and aim to do it the next day as a treat to myself).

    So from the bottom of my heart, I was really looking forward to your post and am very thankful for all of your help! I hope sincerely everyone gets the help they need and remember that it's a disease that messes with your mind, a demon whispering bad things and distorting your reality when in real reality, things aren't bad and bad things pass easily.

  23. Forrest
    Forrest avatar
    65 posts
    15 May 2022 in reply to Jessksch

    Jesskch that's so great to hear. It sounds like things are a bit more smoothed out to pave the way for you and help you to look forward in a calmer way. I do know what it's like living with ambiguity, and having an understanding of what your plan is, even loosely, (like how you and your partner made a decision to work toward in your living situation) and how what you think and expect related to what others think and expect (like knowing what your work hours are) can really take some of the weight off the whole thing, even if it ends up changing along the way.

    I feel relief for you just hearing all that. Thankyou for your comments about my posts, that really means something to me too. I sometimes have to suddenly appear and disappear (and sometimes for long periods) from situations and habits like posting here, but for the moment it seems to be a theme that's gelling with me and I'm really feeling what others are going through (sometimes to my own detriment as an involuntary empath.)

    Would love to hear how things go when the job starts, and I'm glad too that it's just a couple of days. That sounds nice and low pressure. Feel free to post as well about what you're doing in the meantime. Have found any small activities to enjoy or distract you in the small patch of "time off?"

  24. Forrest
    Forrest avatar
    65 posts
    15 May 2022 in reply to Forrest
    "I sometimes have to suddenly appear and disappear" .. oops I guess I said this in this thread already, just realised. Sometimes I'm afraid to have not said it to someone who might take it personally if I connect with them before suddenly going silent, and sometimes I get so caught up in the discussion that I forget to say it. I did skim this thread before accidentally repeating it but I guess I missed it. Don't want it to sound either like I'm meaning to harp on the point! Have been working on being more succinct as I can be a babbler/careless "talker" who loses track of what my point is or whether I already made it. Looking forward to maybe hearing more from you. :)
  25. Jessksch
    Jessksch avatar
    16 posts
    22 May 2022 in reply to Forrest

    Hey if anything, this is a place to just be yourself, so don't worry what others think, just let your emotions or whatever you want to say out! Everyone here understands I think that we overthink on how we act, so it is a place that I am happy to have forgiving people!

    I just wanted to update on my first two days of work at the pet store: The first day was rough: we had pets for sale (all come from registered breeders, not mills! The manager even takes the puppy home and the kittens are fostered by my coworker) but a Karen came in and complained so much about how we were selling them that we had to take them away. It was bad, everyone posted bad things on facebook, saying it was illegal to sell pets in a pet store. On one side I completely understand people want others to adopt from shelters, but on the other hand, so many people want pets from breeders because they have a much better temperament! In the shelter , it's kind of a lucky dip if you know what I mean.

    Anyways, it was very good today: I really enjoy working with my other coworker who was very nice, most of the people are chinese but very kind and I tried learning some mandarin words to say good morning and "how are your baby cats?" haha!

    I am very happy with the job so far, it's long hours standing, and mostly it's awesome that we have a store kpi instead of individual ones so not much pressure, but that can still change (I hope it won't). It makes me want to still work very hard to keep this shop's sales high! Whereas, individual kpis make me feel pressured, not care about the shop or other people I work with!

    We still have bunnies and it's fun because my coworker and I do a bit of research each on how to care for them the best way possible. She is a science major at uni and I did 2 years volunteering as a vet nurse so they are in good hands!

    We didn't have any complaints from people about the bunnies funny enough, and I explain to people the experience we have and the effort we put into them. It's fun to introduce people to bunnies and how to care for them . Of course, if someone comes for pet advice that is more medical, we are smart enough to tell them to take them to the vet! That's what needs to be done!

    I am so happy with the job for now, but with my anxieties, there's always fear it can turn bad, which isn't a bad thing as it prepares me, but for now, enjoying my time as it is!

    I hope everyone else is doing well, sometimes life has a way of working out!

  26. Forrest
    Forrest avatar
    65 posts
    25 May 2022 in reply to Jessksch

    Yaaa! (An excited yaa, as in I'm happy to hear from you!) Sorry I missed your reply while I was afk a few days even though before that I was checking a lot.

    "this is a place to just be yourself," I agree, and thankyou for that warm invitation to do so <3

    "so don't worry what others think", I appreciate that too, and agree with the thought in certain contexts, but I do care how I make others feel, and how what I say and do impacts their lives, affects the relationship between me and the person I'm talking to, and how it makes me feel when what I say isn't heard the way I meant it, so there's no harm in acknowledging where there's room for improvement and working on it. :)

    "Everyone here understands", I absolutely appreciate the "safe" space to be nurtured, but am also aware that it's a public forum and there may be readers who don't understand at all, and whilst any nasty comments might be moderated and deleted, I also care how what I write might affect anyone who's reading, and how being misunderstood might sometimes be an opportunity for me to improve my understandability. But I get what you meant, and thanks for being kind to me.

    I'm so sorry to hear the first day didn't set a nice tone. It sounds like you have some good background knowledge of the company that's hired you and the field you're working in, in a way that allows you to do something you believe in, which is so fantastic. It's not great for mental health when you spend your time doing something you're morally opposed to.

    I feel so sorry for people who's real names actually are Karen! It's a bit of unfortunate shorthand that's been developed to say that someone might have been acting in a potentially selfish way. But how rough for you, on the first day, to have to deal with abuse from the public instead of being able to just settle in and focus on enjoying the job. Hopefully it can maybe give you an opportunity to have solidified for yourself that you're working for a company you believe in, albeit through a rather unpleasant experience.

    I'm glad the second day was better and super duper glad you get along with your co-workers, that is so important. And I see the word fun in there too. Yipee! Fun is the best. Finding ways to have fun is what makes life feel worthwhile in my opinion.

    I agree that anxiety itself (when in proportion to the situation and not debilitating to your life) is not a bad thing, you're so right, it's there to prepare you. Keep taking one day at a time. <3 Check in again

  27. Jessksch
    Jessksch avatar
    16 posts
    26 May 2022 in reply to Forrest

    Well of course I mean that everyone should have freedom to express themselves without hurting anyone! Of course I also have in my experience, known people who get offended quite easily, and sometimes you have to just ignore it for your own good,or, if you can be empathetic and feel like you made a mistake, apologize.

    I have been really happy with the job! Though I feel they are already giving me a lot of responsibilities which makes me nervous. They do want someone to be a manager there someday, but honestly, as much as I find the idea enjoyable, I don't want that extra stress behind me.

    Funnily enough, even just working 3 whole days there, I am making almost the same amount in my previous job working full time!

    Right now I am on 3 months probation but a bit nervous with all the responsibilities and feel like putting pressure on myself to make more sales, just because I want this store to do well! But I have to control this urge I think.

    It's nice to have the two days off a week too to relax, but somehow it's still so hard to do it on the last day (my Sunday haha). I took a 4 hour nap because sometimes I just get so tired. Now, it's 5:30pm and I feel a little crap because I don't have much time again to relax.

    But as you said, going to take each day at a time, working tomorrow and Saturday again and then on Sunday off again.

    I did go around today with my fiance talking and saying I am so damn happy I can relax more, work around the house and have time to cook us healthy meals! (3 months we just ended up with take out and I hated it!).

    A funny thing I will add, being in the pet shop is so amazing, customers show me pictures of their pets and I love it! But then I miss my cats sooo much that I go home and give them extra affection haha!

    Hope your week was really good!!!

  28. Forrest
    Forrest avatar
    65 posts
    26 May 2022 in reply to Jessksch

    Hey, thanks for the update! 

    It sounds like your mental health is already doing a whole lot better for having made this change? That you now have opportunities for self care that weren't there before, even if they aren't always going perfectly.

    Are you concerned that they are hoping that you will be the new manager? Could you possibly look for little ways to begin to communicate with those that are gradually understanding you as a person and how great you are (as opposed to starting with people just identifying you as having mental health struggles without really knowing what that means and using it to make assumptions about your personality) that you can begin to put little toe-in-the-water conversations out there in order to pave the way for a future conversation that lets them know how you feel about the prospect of management (that it is not what you are looking for because your whole aim is to lower your stress and how important that is)?

    It's a very personal choice, what to share with your employers and how to go about it, (and no guarantees for what the result would be!) but I wonder if chipping away at the subject little by little early on (while continuing to show what a wonderful person you are and what a great ethic you have) might save you some stress down the road if this all came to a head because expectations were miscommunicated?

    It makes me so happy to hear that you're enjoying having more time to relax and really "be" at your house. The sense of self that that must bring you can really put some colour back in your face and light back in your eyes.

    Yay for pet photos that you are enjoying and sharing with people!

    Thanks for your warm thoughts for my week. I'm going through some stuff. But it always feels a bit "meh" to try to explain compared to the more serious-on-paper things that other people share. Focusing on other people's journeys and getting out of my head is a bit of a lifeline to be honest. :) I have a support group meeting tonight so hopefully that works out being helpful.

    May I ask how to properly pronounce your name? I know it's just a screen name and you'll have to work out some phoenetics to try to tell me in text but it would be nice to know I'm saying it right when I tend to articulate it when I see a post from you lol. How does the ssksch part translate into sound? Is it a variation of an "s" sound? Or is there kind of a d or g in there too?

    warmth <3

     

  29. Jessksch
    Jessksch avatar
    16 posts
    2 June 2022 in reply to Forrest

    Well I hope your meeting has helped a bit with what you are going through. I totally understand that some people rather work things out themselves and have their own way of helping whenever they are suffering from a dark part in their lives. And you can call me Jess, it's easier!

    I have to admit, the good only lasted for so long, now it's kind of my guilt and anxiety ruining it again for me:

    You see, I do get an inheritance monthly due to my parents passing, and in a way, it has been a blessing and a curse. I still think of my parents every day even though it has been over 8 years since they passed. It has been mixed feelings since they were abusive physically and psychologically, but were also kind and caring and involved when alcohol and mental illness wasn't involved.

    I calculated my pay, which isn't much of course in part-time, but significantly less savings (without the inheritance). So I feel guilty that most of my savings are now from my inheritance I receive monthly, and without, I wouldn't be able to survive on part-time hours.

    I guess in a way I should have expected this, but still feel a large amount of guilt.

    Lately I feel a lot better though since I have time to draw, but now my anxieties have turned to worrying about my weight and health.

    I am obese, and since it's winter, I want to get back into working out but really lack the motivation. I will try this Sunday to go out at least for a walk in the morning, but also cutting out snacks has been difficult.

    Everytime I want to go for my walk, I get so tired and take a nap. Thankfully I only had a 2 hour nap but then I got so tired at 6pm that I went to bed still and now awake at 10pm when I have work tomorrow.

    Buuut, I think it's still early to get angry about it, there are things I need to first get used to since it's been only my second week, tomorrow is work, but it's not stressful, I get there and clean cages then talk to customers, and before work I have a coffee and sit and relax. I need to start slowly with not buying junk food so often, but it's hard as my fiance can eat anything he wants and not put on weight! So being around the temptation is hard...

    Anyways, I hope you are doing better and seeing things for what they are, not what the disease tells you it is.

  30. Glitter Vapes
    Glitter Vapes avatar
    2 posts
    5 June 2022 in reply to Jessksch
    I have been having panic attacks at work, and needing to leave early. My work team is quite supportive, but I feel like a complete failure and like I'm not contributing anything of value to the team. I've almost quit my job a few times this week. I feel like I'm a disaster and don't deserve the job. I have very low self esteem lately.

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