hi PsychedelicFur.

i saw your post come up on my threads and just wanted to say hi and check in to see how you're going?

Hey how are you lovely?? I hope you are doing well. Thanks for stopping by.

I’m doing ok. Thinking of becoming a spinster as of late, staying single and learning to fully accept and love who I am. Xx

i'm really bad lately but i guess that's irrelevant. that's good you chose that way of thinking, i hope it works for you

That’s not at all irrelevant. You are not irrelevant. You really are not.

your feelings and emotions are incredibly valid. X

Hello mb20lover,

Sorry you are feeling down just now. I always see your little head popping up all over the forums giving support to other people, and you are a gentle kind force around these parts. Be kind to yourself too :)

Hey PF,

How are you going?

I hate the word spinster, it is an ugly word, yet I think it is a great concept! As someone who likes my own independence, the self-determined single life has a lot to offer. Most women I know in relationships compromise a great deal on what they want from life, as their goals always are second to their husbands. They also take the lions share of domestic work and childcare too (yes, I know exceptions exist, but none in my world). Women end up becoming the support workers for others dreams! It is hard to fight love when it gets you though!

hey Psychedelic Fur and Boudica.

thank you for the kind words, I try my best. you both are good people here too.

Hey there,

i was wondering if anyone had tips on how to be content single or ‘alone’

I like the concept of spinsterhood but yes it is very much so an unattractive word.

I have come to the realisation that I have so many dreams and ambitions that seem quite realistic and when I was in a relationship I could not fully reach my goals and capabilities. Now being single, I am continuing to reach my ambitions and do things I thought could never be at all possible. Having a relationship, even though it was an unhealthy attachment really truly was holding me back from reaching my full potential.

I have been researching about spinsterhood. Even before I got into a relationship I always told others that I was very career focussed, even from a very early age. So this is not just a new ideology, on my part.

I would rather be alone pursuing my dreams than being in an unhealthy and emotionally unstable attachment that would be holding me back.

People my age seem to be so occupied with the ideas of drinking, taking drugs and clubbing. I just want to stay home, drink tea and listen to my favourite music.

It’s not that I think I don’t deserve a relationship. Because I know I do. I just think that there are a thousand forms of love besides intimate or romantic love.

When I’m alone I feel capable and independent. When I was in a relationship I felt like I was not looked at as an individual. When you are in a relationship you seem to become one whole unit and I don’t really like that. I want to be my own person and have my own voice. Not have someone speak on my behalf or dominant or override my actions and or thoughts.

I have been watching these videos of these single women who happen to be in their late twenties or thirties, some even in their forties. These women are so well educated, career focussed and liberated. I love it. I admire and aspire to be like that.

Psychedelic Fur

Well done on taking the brave step of posting your horrible experience on this forum.

I am sorry to hear of your ex’s behaviour towards you. That sounds like nasty behaviour that nobody should have to put up with. I hope you can put his toxicity behind you. You are beautiful, you are loved, you are admired.

Keep smiling, believe in yourself and don’t listen to the haters. Take care.

Hey there, how are you? Thank you for responding to my thread SapereAude (hope I have spelt that correctly)

Thank you for your kind words. They helps enormously.

hope you are doing ok.

All the best,

PF

Dear PsF~

I read your reflections on spinsterhood and guess it is not so much that as the desire to be in command of yourself and fulfill your interests and potential.

While I agree with Boudica that in our society very many women have to subordinate themselves to the needs of their partner it is not always the case. The matter is further complicated if there are children as by rights their needs should take precedence over those of either partner.

Having said all that there is something about not being alone in the world that does answer a basic need for many. True some rare souls prefer solitude, however for most there can be comfort, understanding -and fun - without relinquishing individuality, I like to think Mrs C and I have that sort of relationship, as I learned to do with the previos Mrs C (who passed away).

You may be right and live your life happily alone, however may I suggest you keep your mind open to other possibilities previous experience not withstanding?

Croix

Hey Croix,

I will keep my mind open as I think love is beautiful and I’m not a bitter old person. But at the moment I think it is important for me to focus on myself.

how are you anyway?

Dear PsF~

I did not think you were bitter, just not fortunate enough as yet to meet someone where love enhances, not restricts. This can be a hard concept to imagine until experienced.

You have ready proved you are strong enough to resist restrictive and abusive relationships, and concentrating on the things that you need and give you happiness and satisfaction is always most important.

If love happens it happens. And yes it is beautiful, (and all sorts of other emotions too:)

As usual I reflect that your thread title is completely wrong.

As for me (thanks for asking) I have various physical problems which have a marked effect on life but otherwise OK.

Croix

Hello PF, love is beautiful, but it can transform to any of us in many different ways, one person may find it in a different way to how another person finds it, but that may only be temporary because tomorrow it can easily change and may only surprise another person by your reactions, never the less love is a bond we all crave for in any manner it's offered to us.

We need to love ourselves before we can accept other people wanting to love us, otherwise, do we know the meaning of love and what it represents.

We need to realise that when we're in depression of any type, it's not easy to say 'I love you', simply because we don't love ourselves.

Take care.

Geoff.

My body dysmorphic disorder is playing up like mad lately. :(

🥴😕😪

hey PF

i'm so sorry about that

Re spinsterhood there is a book on the topic by a woman who studies women who have lived alone..... its called ... Spinster by Kate Bolick

it was quite interesting. on the other side is Lori Gottlieb who advocates for settling down as a healthy option for women.... being a spinster has many different meanings, as does love.

Love i think can come in many forms and so can partnership. Most important is that you feel fulfilled, alone or with others, and i encourage u to address the BDD - i have it too, and it is very hard. so sorry you suffer with this.

BDD sucks >:(

I really don’t like being so consumed with my Body Dysmorphic Disorder. . .

Hello PF,

I could tell you that it is what is inside that matters, and your light shines bright on this forum, but hey, you know that already right!!

It is sad we now live in a world that teaches people to cast such a critical eye upon their body. How strange we are that we torture ourselves like this, is there any other species that does this? I often look at my cat lounging around on the rug looking supremely smug and comfy and pleased with herself, despite her flabby stomach and short tail, and it makes me think how ridiculous we are to ever think of these things. You are just as you should be. You will find someone who loves you the way you are, and anyone who doesn't doesn't belong in your life :)

Check out this new thread.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/ugly-what-is-beauty-#8ihCIKkQCk-0joOWFlXKiw

TonyWK

Thank you for the thread link and the responses. Much appreciated. I am so sick of the flashbacks of what my mother would tell me about my looks and my ex boyfriend saying all those dreadful things about my looks..

I’m mentally exhausted because my BDD destroys me. Feeling stuck at the moment.

Hi

I'm 65yo. Because I had a nurturing mother in my young years that nurturing trumped the cruel side to her. Then as I got older I realised the bad in my mother was out of control and there was no stopping her destruction of relationships, revenge and blackmail.

So my sister and I, in an act to save our lives with quality, had to move her out of our world's. We haven't seen her for 10 years and she's now 90yo.

My message is that just because they are our parent does not give them a free pass to give out abuse. If they are aware of such abuse and don't change their behaviour then you have little options but to plan a life without that person or, very little contact.

It not all bad news. I've now got 2 females I love as mother figures. Family is not always blood relatives.

TonyWK

Dear PsF~

I guess I'll have to admit ignorance, I'm unsure what you mean by Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Yes I know I've looked on Dr Google, however maybe you might like to explain it in general terms - I'm not asking you to talk about you (unless you wish) - just in general terms as I believe you could explain it well. No obligation, just if you felt like it.

Apart from that:-

I've been talking with you off and on for a long time now and have built up a picture of what you are like, not your body, you. Your intelligence, your tastes in clothes, in music and so on. I also know from what you have said, both in the past and now your mother plus the the person in your abusive relationship both were very disparaging about you and your body.

Sadly if this goes on long enough a person will start to take what they say on board as if it were true. Completely unjustified to believe them, but it happens a lot. I have no idea why.

I would imagine this has a lot to do with how you feel now. If I'm on the wrong track please set me straight.

This can take over more and more of a person's thoughts, a horrible time. I wish it was amenable to logic, so one could convince oneself or be told that the thoughts are wrong. Unfortunatly that does not seem to work. I would think it is because the feelings are emotion which takes little notice of logic, or simple reassurances.

Going to a psych sounds a good move, and I'm sure in the long term will have a lot of benefit, however in the short term when in a loop of unpleasant thoughts in the night it's not a lot of help. So asking him to concentrate on those moments as well as the long term would be very sensible.

In my own case I try exercise, moving to another place, talking with people, books, movies, music and more, all things I can enjoy and look forward too.

There is a problem, jolting the mind out of its one way track so you are open to take in the movie, exercise, or whatever you find helps.

For that I use Smiling Mind (apologies if I've mentioned it before) the free smartphone app

https://www.smilingmind.com.au/smiling-mind-app

It takes a bit of practice, but has exercises for everyone, no matter their concentration or motivation, there's even one for me (who's mind tends to want to revert).

It breaks the chain of thought, and after I feel calmer and ready to switch to something else. For me well worth the effort.

I don't know if any of this is of help, I would like it if you came back and gave me your thoughts

Croix

Hello there Croix, how are you going? Thank you so much for the response. I greatly appreciate it.

first and foremost my struggle with body dysmorphic disorder began at the age of thirteen years old.

Basically I see my reflection in a distorted view. And I spends hours upon hours concentrating on my perceived flaws even when I am busy. Sometimes I even avoid going outside to the shops when I need to because of how I am feeling about my looks. Lately, I have been walking and dancing so much. I always have exercised all of the time.

Sometimes I don’t leave the house because I feel not good.. and grotty.

my mother and my ex and other boys I have dated in the past have told me such horrible things. Yet I have had people compliment me in the city and in public on my taste in clothes and how I look. Not creepy old guys either...

So I am quite unsure.

Yes my toxic relationship with my mother contributed to it greatly.

you were on the right track with what you were saying. I always listen to music, read and dance when I can, in my spare time. I love my uni work! Passing, wooo hooo so that is good!!

hope you are ok. What have you been up to?

Thank you Croix for the link as well too. I will try and check that out later.

Long term, consulting my psychologist about these problems will be good. However, during that time I need something that can help me.

my problems started when my mum first told me that I was unattractive and fat and needed to diet.

so after I went through puberty I lost so much weight and she still had things she could pick on me for. My uncle asked me when I was thirteen “why are you so ugly?”

I dated one guy who said to me “you are so full of so many imperfections.” Then the previous boyfriend told me that I was plus size, unattractive and embarrassing looking.

yet I have had so many people tell me they admire me for my style and looks.. but yet I get bullied by close people who were in my life eg my mum and boyfriend???? I’m awfully confused.

Dear PsF~

Thank you for you reply, it was a clear and perceptive view and I think one of you thoughts - that it is those you let close to you that have the power to hurt is spot-on.

I guess for many people there are those that are 'safe'. For example a frustrated employee will not go crook at his boss for fear of what the boss might do, he has the power.. When that person gets home they unleash their frustration on their partner -or child, now that person has the power. Family are the 'safe people'. Most unfair, in fact all too easily becoming a form of serious abuse.

Perhaps you mother and your boyfriend took out their inadequacies on you as they not only felt it was safe to do so, but also because they knew you they were familiar with what might hurt you most. Cruel rather than thoughtless people.

I'm sure trying to feel they were completely wrong is something I guess your psych will help you to achieve in the longer term, to be bruised so deeply does not heal overnight, but you will get there and be able to see yourself as you really are, which I strongly suspect is quite fine.

Exercise and dancing are excellent, anything to stop the brain from concentrating on your unhappy thoughts and allow sensation to take its place. That's why I suggest the app, which does exactly that. The practice I mentioned is practice in reacting each time you mind returns to the unpleasant and steers it away (I choose an exercise that nags me frequently:).

Do you mind if I ask which units you like at uni?

I was split, when younger drama, art and history of science. When older (the 2nd time around) maths and machine code. I guess, as that was after my illness had been at its worst, I needed things for which there was a 'right' answer - some certainty in the world. I guess the aftermath of PTSD and all the rest has certainly changed me, and apart from the remaining symptoms, made me more thoughtful and a better partner

It is a pleasure to talk with you

Croix

My mother and her partner are making all of these Facebook profiles and stalking my father and I online. And also badmouthing my dad with saying a few unfair things.. From what I have been told.

Just because she cannot get her own way with the settlement.. divorcing a healthy person is difficult but at least from my understanding it can be somewhat more amicable.. my mother is a malignant narcissist who also creates lies and loves drama.. so of course it is going to be more messier and draining, than usual.

I’m having a very difficult time trusting people around me because they all say they dislike her and her antics yet they befriend her and her partner on Facebook.. knowing they create drama and spread gossip. These people tell me that they have deleted them because they don’t want their drama yet they are still friends with them? I’m confused. I feel like I’m in a spiral of lies. I feel like everyone is waiting for the sh*t show to start and they are wanting to bring out their popcorn. Taking a break from social media because it only creates unnecessary drama and it makes me even more so depressed.

my mother’s hurtful words still destroy me because for so long now she has been controlling and manipulative. I feel like my life is a fail at the moment. Everyone tells me how ugly and disgusting and truly untrustworthy my mother is and yet I look at myself and think “well that’s probably gonna be me in thirty years time..”

Her not properly educating me about what was happening to my body during puberty affected me terribly. She never told me about birth control. And she always encouraged me to chat and spend time ALONE with strange men. Lucky nothing serious happened but that’s not entirely the point. Because my dad and I put stop to it before anything actually started or happened.

I’m in a position of well why am I experiencing this and on the other hand I am feeling so down. Sorry this is completely irrelevant to the topic but I needed to get it off my chest, completely.

Really struggling,

PF