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Forums / Anxiety / The Dark Spiral of OCD and Bipolar

Topic: The Dark Spiral of OCD and Bipolar

  1. LaTeRaLuS777
    LaTeRaLuS777 avatar
    44 posts
    11 October 2021 in reply to Andre_P

    Hi Andre_P, hi everyone!

    I am alive and kicking, sorry if i had you worried. Its been a bit hectic recently. I had to have eye surgery, while awake and watching! Freaky to say the least...

    Anyway yeah my mind is always ticking and turning things over. Its never quiet in there, not even medicated, although meds do help tune in the thousand radio stations that seem to be playing through my head haha!

    Im not feeling great though today to be honest. Dont really know why but i think its the start of the Dark Spiral again. If someone hurts my feelings any time soon and i go into the darkness then i know for sure that it is the cycle starting. It feels like im made of paper and im standing in a storm of potential insults or criticisms.

    Getting back to what you said about medications, i was very anti-meds until i found the right psychiatrist and doctor combination. You have to be able to trust your professionals and also accept that it may take time to find the right balance when it comes to medications.

    On a positive note, my dreams/nightmares/premonitions are not bothering me as much now thanks to my new treatment plan. I wish i could tell you all about it but i dont want to advertise or endorse any particular treatment when it may not be suitable or available to everyone. I hope that makes sense...?

    Let me just say that a natural oil has made my nights restful and nightmares are short and less vivid.

    Thank you for reaching out and posting on here. My apologise for my absenteeism recently and i am doing ok.

    Thank you all and keep in touch, L7

  2. therising
    Valued Contributor
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    therising avatar
    2824 posts
    11 October 2021 in reply to LaTeRaLuS777

    Hi L7

    You're far braver than me in regard to the eye surgery. It freaks me out when I see those procedures done on TV. Just can't watch. I can only imagine how hard it is when your brain's screaming 'Close your eyes, someone's trying to stick something in them'.

    Do you ever wonder why people give themselves the freedom to be insulting and critical towards others? I can't help but wonder? I have to analyse the hell out of it, in order to find a little more heaven on earth. I used to take it all very personally, being incredibly depressing at times, until I began to wonder what makes people tick in such a way. When people say 'You're so sensitive (to criticism)', these days my response is more along the lines of 'Yes, I have a great ability when it comes to sensing degradation and a-hole behaviour' :) I've come to practice sensing what brings me down, who brings me down but occasionally it may take a little more time and wonder when it come to sensing why they're choosing to do it. At times it amuses me when I can have people close to me say 'I know what that (analytical) look is. I know what you're doing; get out of my head' :)

    Sensitive people have an incredible ability to sense criticism, degradation, energetic up-shifts, down-shifts, inspiration, excitement, depressing people and experiences and so much more. Being so sensitive comes with undeniable challenges yet, at the same time, undeniable abilities. Are you developing your natural ability to get a sense of why people behave the way they do at times? Human nature can be truly fascinating, that's for sure. It definitely pays to be an observer, with the bonus of creating a healthy sense of detachment in an emotional situation.

    So glad the oil's working its magic :)

  3. Petal22
    Community Champion
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    Petal22 avatar
    2134 posts
    12 October 2021 in reply to Andre_P

    Hi Andre P,

    Im sorry to hear that you suffer with severe OCD, I also suffered with this condition I have now recovered from it .

    Have you ever done any type of therapy for you OCD? I did metacognitive therapy this is we’re I learned to master my OCD.

    You may be interested in reading two threads I wrote.

    From someone who had OCD and recovered

    Treatment for OCD Metacognitive Therapy

  4. Andre_P
    Andre_P avatar
    95 posts
    14 October 2021 in reply to LaTeRaLuS777

    Hey brother - glad your still kickin mate. While I don’t quite know what it’s like to have the dark spiral thing you mentioned I do know what it’s like to be in a dark space, it’s not fun. Sorry to hear that today wasn’t good for you bro. You seem a good person.

    I don’t mind maybe natural alternatives like psychotherapy and natural meds but I’m against regular doc meds. I try them even for under a week and my symptoms are tremendously worse to the point of suicide. I’m not going to get lost in a maze ay that you can’t get out of. Glad they work for some ppl though.

    in saying that I definitely have to do something ay.

    I appreciate you replying mate. These are not the easiest times we are living in. I am staying positive and I have a plan of attack on how to combat this condition.

    feel free to chat anytime bro. Ocd is not a fun condition. Most ppl make it out as it’s not soo bad. Severe form of it can be very debilitating ay.

    chat soon bro :))

  5. Andre_P
    Andre_P avatar
    95 posts
    14 October 2021 in reply to Petal22

    Hey bro that sounds good. That you for that ay. I’ll definitely have a look. It looks like cbt for the mental obsessions ay that meta cognitive therapy. That’s a good form of psychotherapy.

    yea I gotta master skills on how to better react to my intrusive thoughts. It’s a very paradoxical world we live. The more we try and fight a thought the more it fights us lol. Gotta handle it not fight it.

    thanks for your post bro :))

    chat soon ay :)))

    1 person found this helpful
  6. quirkywords
    Community Champion
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    quirkywords avatar
    14709 posts
    15 October 2021 in reply to LaTeRaLuS777

    L7

    so glad to read you are alive and kicking,

    I really appreciate you are keeping in touch and giving updates about your health. These updates give hope to others .

  7. Petal22
    Community Champion
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    Petal22 avatar
    2134 posts
    15 October 2021 in reply to Andre_P

    Hi Andre P,

    Thats ok happy to help you 😊

    Yes keep practicing on mastering your skills, they really can help to stop OCD in its tracks.

    Yes correct what we give attention to we give power to.

    Here to chat to you anytime

  8. Petal22
    Community Champion
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    Petal22 avatar
    2134 posts
    17 October 2021 in reply to Andre_P

    Hi Andre P,

    How are you?

    I also wanted to mention that I have written two threads you may be interested in reading .

    From someone who had OCD and recovered

    Effective treatment for OCD Metacognitive Therapy

    I also highly recommend meditation, I believe meditation got me over the line.

    😊

  9. LaTeRaLuS777
    LaTeRaLuS777 avatar
    44 posts
    1 November 2021

    Hey everyone,

    Im on lunch break and thought i would just drop by and say hiya!

    Nothing new to report really except for the fact that im seeing my psych soon and im not sure what to talk about haha! Im sure they will drag something out of me though, they are very good at poking me in the right way so i open up and talk.

    Hope you are all doing ok or at least coping as best you can.

    I have been listening to good old aussie rock recently and its been a bit of a trip down memory lane. Reminiscing about concerts i have been to and bands that helped get me through dark times.

    Anyway, must give some words of wisdom, hahaha! Here goes: as much as the emptiness hurts it will pass as all things do. Please hang in there and think of those people who (whether you know it or not) love and/or like you. Life is a struggle; more so for some of us. Its not designed for people like us BUT that doesnt mean we dont fit in somewhere. You are an important piece of a grand puzzle that we may never understand, yet we must go on!

    Ok, sorry didnt mean to go all crazy on that but its whats going on in my head and heart at the moment.

    Thanks for all your support and please keep posting. I love reading about your experiences as it makes me feel even more connected and less like a "freak" (as i used to think) haha!

    L7 signing off.

  10. quirkywords
    Community Champion
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    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
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    quirkywords avatar
    14709 posts
    1 November 2021 in reply to LaTeRaLuS777

    l7

    Thanks for saying hello.I can relate to your wise words based on experience. I used to feel I did not fir in but then I felt I am ,Ike a seed, the right plant in the wrong place.I found the forums which is my right place.

  11. LaTeRaLuS777
    LaTeRaLuS777 avatar
    44 posts
    27 January 2022

    Hi Everyone and Welcome to a New Year!

    Sorry it has been a while since my last update, things have been rough lately.

    Work was hectic (and unfortunately, still a bit crazy) due to Christmas plus Covid. I tried to keep in mind the thought that eventually it will get better and slow down a bit but so far its just going on and on and on....

    On a side note: I was injured at work, did damage to my spine after lifting a very heavy item. Dont Lift Heavy Stuff!!! Seriously, not worth the risk. Im now in constant pain and its also affecting my mood.

    My mood has been up and down and down and down recently, luckily i am seeing my psych soon and we shall discuss many things.

    So i guess this is just an update to let you know i am still kicking (all-be-it with only one good leg haha).

    Thank you as always and my apologies for my absence.

    L7

  12. quirkywords
    Community Champion
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    quirkywords avatar
    14709 posts
    27 January 2022 in reply to LaTeRaLuS777

    L7

    no apologies necessary.

    your updates are appreciated.

    Sorry you were injured.

    Up and down is ok if you know things will improve.. I hold on to hope.

  13. Andre_P
    Andre_P avatar
    95 posts
    10 February 2022 in reply to LaTeRaLuS777

    Hey bro sorry to hear you hurt your back ay. Were you at work? There may be a compo claim in that one. You gotta be careful ay. Even with all the stuff you are going through you still keep you sense of humour.

    to be honest I’ve been up n down myself. Probably got worse then better then worse then on the way up to getting better.

    my anxiety got so bad I was actually depressed n crying which then afterwards made me angry. I’ve had a few manic episodes here and there which makes me think mines ocd n bipolar (even tho i hate labels).

    I know one thing if I am strict n watch my thought patterns I always seem to do better. Obviously we can’t always control what we think and nor should we on an automatic level (due to automatic paradoxical thinking - meaning to fight thoughts is not good, or due to emotional or behavioural response which provokes more unwanted thoughts) but we shouldn’t add additional intentional negative thoughts into the mix either.

    e.g. I’m trying my best to be positive even if I feel crap n I’m even watching my lust level n trying to keep things pure n natural and good natural thoughts. It is a little boring yes but for some reason it works. Maybe it’s the Lord’s way of disciplining me.

    I will say this though since I have done this my anxiety may have decreased but my depression is on the up and I don’t find joy in anything anymore (even more so).

    it really is a strange world bro haha. I am still reluctant to see a psychiatrist however I am booked in with a different gp to see one.

    under my other gp I have a clinical psychologist putting a dsp report in, cuz that’s how bad things have got over the 2 year period.

    I just wanted to say hi. Good on you for been able to work bro. I most certainly have not been able to work. I hope you are looking after yourself. It’s always good chatting bro :)

  14. Andre_P
    Andre_P avatar
    95 posts
    19 March 2022 in reply to LaTeRaLuS777

    Haven’t heard from ya, hope you’re ok bro. I feel myself slipping but I’m trying my best ay. Trying to stay positive but it’s hard.

    really hope you’re doing ok. I wish I could go back 3 years when my head was clearer without all this junk in it. I cry a bit sometimes thinking about the past and sometimes just to be anxiety free at that particular moment. It’s like a prefer crying. See the ocd driven mania is soo intensely extreme that to finally get some reprieve of it once it subsides, feels a lot better. Mental illness is complex

    I gotta be honest though I don’t really want to be here some days. I’m tired bro. Very tired, but never sleepy.

    sorry to whinge. Hope you’re doing ok bro. I was referred to see a psychiatrist but I’m still iffy about meds but seems I have no choice as my brain is an a_ _ hole and won’t leave me alone.

    hope everyone is doing well ay

  15. LaTeRaLuS777
    LaTeRaLuS777 avatar
    44 posts
    19 March 2022 in reply to Andre_P

    Hi Andre_P and everyone,

    So sorry I have been away for so long. I truly hope you are all well and okay as best you can be at this time.

    I get that feeling you said about being very tired but not sleepy, like a whole body fatigue that comes from the system running too long on not enough fuel. And then there is the Emptiness.

    Andre_P ... hang in there mate. I cant promise it will get any easier but as I once thought "nobody who lives on a beach takes a vacation to a beach" - I dont think the Darkness is where I want to be. Nor you.

    Its difficult to say what I want to say at the moment, I dont have the energy to put it into words. Im struggling but with my head above the water. The good thing is that I can recognise this is where I am and that things will get better (eventually, even 2 seconds seems like a lifetime).

    To everyone reading this post: Please take care of yourselves and others, mentally and physically. Keep fighting. Keep your own heads above that temporal waterline.

    And boldly follow your heart into a future that only You can create.

    Bye for now, L7

  16. quirkywords
    Community Champion
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    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
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    quirkywords avatar
    14709 posts
    30 March 2022 in reply to LaTeRaLuS777

    L7

    thanks fir your update.

    You express yourself so well and I can relate to what you say.

    This paragraph below really speaks to me and to others .

    “Its difficult to say what I want to say at the moment, I dont have the energy to put it into words. Im struggling but with my head above the water. The good thing is that I can recognise this is where I am and that things will get better eventually.”

    I do think the ability to recognise where one is at, is such a powerful tool to have that insight.

    At times I have lied to myself not on purpose but where I am really honest with myself it is helpful.

    I hope you keep understanding what is happening and keep your head above water.

  17. LaTeRaLuS777
    LaTeRaLuS777 avatar
    44 posts
    21 April 2022

    Hello Everyone,

    So what do you want first? Good news, or Bad News...?

    Lets start with the good news shall we....? I am alive and Manic! Too much, too fast, too many, too fun! I am enjoying it though as the fact that I am alive is a real kick at the moment. Work is awesome, I feel like Im good at it and people are loving my enthusiasm (read as: talkative, bouncy, excited and MANIC!) despite being easily distracted by shiny things, hahaha! So whats the bad news then, L7?

    The bad news is that about two weeks ago I was on the edge of the Darkness looking down into a pit of complete despair and I decided to just jump into it. I had it planned and I was committed to end it all. Luckily my support network realised something was terribly wrong and they talked to me and took away my intended "tools of self-destruction" until they knew I was going to be alright. It was really really tough and I was a complete mess. My whole body was aching from crying and I wanted to curl into a ball and disappear from sight. This happened just after I visited my family interstate, which in hindsight seemed like it was meant as a final goodbye. But L7, you know this is a challenge and a rollercoaster, you know it gets better, you know to just keep your head above water.... Why do this to yourself??

    My answer is this: I wasnt myself. I was mentally and chemically unbalanced. My body felt like a shell. I forgot EVERYTHING i have ever said here and talked about with my psychiatrist! I wasnt myself at all.

    SO, what have I learnt from this? REACH OUT!! Reach out to BeyondBlue, Lifeline, ANYONE! Do not step off into the Darkness, its not any better in there.. in fact it may even be worse. If you are not yourself then you owe it to your Future Self to take a step back and say "whoa, this isnt right. I need help."

    Anyway lets finish on a positive note by saying much love to you all and I hope your Future Self remembers what I have said here today.

    This is L7 signing off for now :)

    1 person found this helpful
  18. therising
    Valued Contributor
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    therising avatar
    2824 posts
    22 April 2022 in reply to LaTeRaLuS777

    Hi L7

    You offer a truly brilliant perspective and beautiful deeply supportive advice. Sometimes I think how unfair it is the way a brilliant perspective or mind altering revelation can only be found by going through the darkest of times. It's kind of cruel in a way. Waking up to why things got so dark or how they got so dark can put us in charge of identifying the triggers. I think the more sensitive we become to our feelings the better we become at identifying or feeling when a wave's about to hit. Kind of like 'I can sense a wave on the horizon'.

    Still trying to master figuring out who's triggering in my life and how they're triggering. Also trying to figure out why they're so triggering. One of the most productive mantras I exercise is 'I can feel what you're doing to me'. Another one can be 'I can feel what you've just done to me'. You know when someone suddenly brings you down how that 'down' has a real feel to it. Sort of like 'boom', followed by 'What the heck just happened?!' Can be like a flick of the switch and suddenly you're in the dark, until light is finally shed on matters. Then it's up into 'Aha' mode or 'Oh my god, that makes complete sense. I can't believe it's taken me this long to work that out. That's absolutely brilliant!!!'. The revelation can be thoroughly invigorating. Nothing like the pure energy of an astounding revelation to act as natural fuel. Always disappointing when the energy behind a single revelation begins to run out. Personally, I find that kind of power addictive. Sounds kind of weird but I think I'm addicted to revelations, based on the kind of energy they offer. I'm a revelation junkie :) 'C'mon, c'mon, I need another one, another mind altering hit. What's wrong with me? Why aren't the revelations coming in like they usually do? Think and fast'. Can become potentially depressing when there's a period of drought. We humans are funny creatures. Made complete sense when someone explained to me what that 'drought' period is about. As they said, we can't live solely on revelations, we have to take action through them. In other words, 'Now you have the theory side of things, here's time out so you can put it into practice'. The drought is really a time of practice.

    Another good piece of advice I received was 'Journal every revelation you have because you'll most likely forget a lot of them. The journal will act as a reminder/reference book in the down times'. In reality, we're writing our own self help book :)

    1 person found this helpful
  19. Andre_P
    Andre_P avatar
    95 posts
    9 May 2022 in reply to LaTeRaLuS777

    Hey bro been a long time. Sounds like you been doing it tough. So have I. In all fairness I am on the up (in a good way, not manic lol). But very slowly on the up.
    mania is not fun when it can be distorted. I have never experienced psychosis (knock on wood) but that is where mania can lead to.

    my ocd and mania got so bad tho bro that I actually passed for dsp pension. Like legit all day all I could do was manage my symptoms.

    im definitely doing better however I feel I rely on a sleeping pill. I am going to see a psychiatrist (referral is in) and try some daily antidepressant meds or a mood styliser or antipsychotic I dunno.

    im still reluctant to try scripts but I can’t stay on antidepressants can I. I can feel myself becoming more n more dependent and even psychologically n physically addicted to them. Even while I’m on them my ocd is still nuts.
    a chemical balance isn’t fun. We have to try and rewire out thought patterns. Or just get a magic pill that manages our symptoms and that tells the brain to secrete the right hormones haha.
    it does start with

    good thought patterns
    rewire the brain
    rewired brain secretes the right hormones (and neurotransmitter)
    correct n balanced hormones n neurotransmitters equal a happy health brain

  20. Andre_P
    Andre_P avatar
    95 posts
    9 May 2022 in reply to LaTeRaLuS777

    I look at it in 2 ways. 1 we have an analytical brain and an emotional brain. The emotional brain is the culprit and needs to be put in it’s place by the analytical brain. Both of these brains pull information from the conscious and the sub conscious.

    there is another side to all this whether anyone wants to hear it or not but it’s the truth. I don’t wanna get too heavy but I’ll keep it light

    I am a Christian (a believer) and I have given myself to the Lord Jesus Christ and have been baptised.

    God is the creator and protects us

    Now in this world is also the enemy (satan). Now even though a lot of mental illness is natural causing, the enemy still harasses a lot of ppl with his deception (especially the unbeliever, an unbeliever can even be possessed)

    my point is come to the Lord Jesus Christ and you will get a heck of a lot less torment from the enemy. Believers still get torment but it’s external torment (strongholds).

    im actually going to write a book tackling both sides of the spectrum.
    tackling the psychical ocd and chemical imbalance and tackling the spiritual warfare side.

    my point is demonic forces can cause a mental illness or aggravate an existing one but you are much much safer when you come to the Lord (in fact saved).

    I know this is a heavy topic but it’s really helping me to over come my fears. I got a long way to go but I’m getting there


    God bless you brother and stay strong ay

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