I'm not surprised either at the emotion you call fear or that you have enough wisdom to know it is that emotion that you dread, not the events
OK, so dying is not something that most can face with equanimity, but if can be faced. Similarly the length of time it takes bowling to reinstate itself (it is starting here and there now) is another anxiety.
Also I guess getting to know yourself better after the death of the one you loved (actually your reactions are very reassuring)
So all of that builds up into a heap of anxiety, which hurts, leaves you feeling out of control, and with no sight of the future.
Not helped by the number of people who think regulations and self-discipline - plus thinking of others - is not for them. (Now as an ex-policeman I can't say I'm that surprised. Consequences never occur to some.)
So what do you do? I guess the first thing is you take comfort in the fact you are dealing with all this, even if there is a panic attack now and the. Then you think of all to bowling texts that live inside you, waiting to emerge.
A bank of knowledge not many have. Neither do many have your contacts over the years. If any are still on this earth why not try for contact? You might be surprised at the warmth of the welcome. No, I'm not talking local here.
Being close to your offspring is another help at times, not feeling totally alone.
I wish you would record your life, the brief glimpses you have given are fascinating and imply a whole world not seen by many, both the bad and the glamorous. Would you like that?
"Memory... is the diary that we all carry about with us." (Now I don't have to tell you who said that :)
Hang in there Moon