"Well, oh well I feel I'm in decay"

The first line of a popular Midnight Oil song and I think a description most apt, for some people experiencing depression.

Have you ever felt this way?

One of the biggest dilemmas I've faced in "depressive-illness land" is the one of being alone and having no viable means of changing that fact...let me explain...

My depression causes me to be apart. I feel different from others. I find it very hard to mix with people who are "alive and well". So, I remain alone bundled up in a safe but miserable cocoon.

Have you ever felt this way?

I know what I need. I can feel the loneliness, an ache inside. In my mind's eye I see a ghostly parade of familiar faces, old friends, all gone now. Still, I need people, people to talk to, to communicate with, maybe God permit, a laugh!

Have you ever felt this way?

But I can't escape what I'm in, so I must wait for it to pass...weeks...months...years.

I'm reminded of a quote by Charles Bukowski regarding his drinking/literary lifestyle. I think it fits depression too.

"And as my hands drop a last desperate pen, in some cheap room, they will find me there and never know my name, my meaning nor the treasure of my escape".

Hi motorcycle_boy

A great post, albeit somewhat sad.  And the short answer is a resounding 'yes' to each question.  But 'acceptance' has made it a lot easier to deal with, and allowed me to plan for a lifestyle change that might just do the trick. 

Love the quote by Charles Bukowski!!  :)

Take care

K

Greetings K!   (Sorry for the long delay between posts).

Thanks a lot for your supportive and slightly cryptic reply. I was glad you could identify with the questions I posed and with the Charles Bukowski quote. I admit the post was a bit sad. It just sorta fell out.

 I take it that  When you say "acceptance" you are referring to accepting your illness. Because I'm a bit of a perfectionist, I struggle to accept mine. I'm continually striving to be better, to be illness free but it's a long, winding, uphill battle.

Feel free to enlighten me to your lifestyle change if it suits. 

All the Best from TMB

P.S. Here's another quote from Charles Bukowski

"Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must live".

Hi the_motorcycle_boy,

I got a lot out of your post.

I hope you are going OK. Love a good quote that makes sense to me. Depression is still shunned in so many workplaces. That's my experience and I'm learning a lot on these forums.

My mum blamed my obsession with Dostoevsky and Kafka when I was young. Why do we have to blame something. My husband has had much worse depression and he sounds like you, putting in so much effort to help himself, and is such a great person.

We talk so much about this illness and yet I can see the shame both of us feel. So much has happened and I just hope I can support people who are having such a struggle and hopefully see Australia become less patchwork about mental health.

Here's a quote I love. (Not as literary as Bukowski)

Some of us are out to win, some of us are out just to aim.

(Terry Reid).

Mz13114

Hey TMB,

I found your post to be insightful and one in which I can relate to. I must be the odd one out here as I did not find it sad. The safety cocoon becomes the friend in lonely times, it is constant and reliable. I understand the need to still talk to people - sad is when I find myself talking to check out staff just to have a physical conversation. The laughter still is there from time to time.I did enjoy the intellectual quotes, but I find when I need to feel a lighter moment in my crazy world I lean towards the wit of Monty Python. I know - each to their own 🙈🙉🙊

Hi Mz13114,

Thanks a lot for your great reply. I'm really glad you liked my post. It just sort of fell out one day. I hope you and your family are going good.too. If you like a good quote, and haven't seen it already, check out the one by nyandaj on loneliness by Jung in the inspirational quote thread. It's awesome.

Yes, depression is tough, tough for others to accept and tough to handle, your husband sounds a brave man. And you are too, looking to help people. You can get a lot of help here at the forums.

I think we blame things because we learn to as kids from others. I don't like to blame because you're saying people should be different than they are. It's better for me not to.

I've read a little Dostoevesky and Kafka, I liked Kerouac, Irving and most of all Hesse but don't read much these days.

What an interesting quote by Reid! I really like it , it's so different. Here's one from another Reed..."Between thought and expression lies a lifetime".

All the Best

TMB

Hi Indra,

You have a lot of deep insight too and a wonderful way of expressing it. I could identify with talking to the checkout staff as well. Today , I was walking down a main street when a man sitting down yelled out to me. I turned to acknowledge him then continued to walk while he kept yelling out. I kept replying "Yeah Mate", "Righto mate" etc etc. The really funny thing was that I started to feel good like I was actually talking to someone. crazy. Thanks for your very understanding post. I love "The Life Of Brian" it is just sublimely clever!

Hi TMB

a massive apology to you - I missed your reply from a few weeks back.  

Regarding my cryptic reply, I guess you mean the bit about acceptance. Well by that I mean that after many many years living with undiagnosed mental health issues, I now understand better who I am.  In the past I existed wondering about why I was the way I was; worrying, over-thinking, sad, obsessed with one thing or another, etc, etc. Now I have been on journey of discovery, learning to be true to myself.  I am who I am.  I am trying to let go of the past, and living the life that I think I would like to live. (Hmmm, does this make any sense at all?)  The lifestyle change is part of this.

To summarise, I now understand my illness, I know what the triggers are, and I endeavour to manage them.  I don't mean through avoidance type behaviour, but through acceptance and managing them through a lifestyle change that allows me to readily counter any possible triggers and bad thoughts.  Of course, I still have many bad days, but it is becoming easier to deal with it.  

Argh, what a ramble - but I will try and clarify in subsequent posts about progress with my lifestyle change.

k

Hey TMB,

Nothing crazy in responding to someone random - sometimes you need to hear your voice. If it made you feel good, even for a moment that's a positive and any positive is a good one! For me Holy Grail would be my favourite and lines from the film pop into my head at obscure times - "this could be all yours" - "What - the curtains?". Any who - had a better day today and hope you did too. Keep writing - Cheers Indra 

Hi TMB,

Thanks for your reply. Quotes from amazing people mean so much more to me now. It's like I am a different person reading them. I still love reading, though my eyes don't sometimes. Is that Herman Hesse, you speak of. I'll look it up.

I am just beginning to erase the way I blame myself for being how I am. I am responsible for what I do about it and I am just getting the hang of knowing when I am wallowing in my own muck for too long.

Thanks for your reply.

Cheers.

Mz

Hi K,

No worries about the missed post. These things happen. Thanks for replying and explaining a complicated issue.

I can relate to your worrying, over-thinking, sadness and obsessiveness. I have experienced all of these in the past too. You sound like you have accepted yourself warts and all and are living in the present which I think are both huge pluses. I try to do the same.

Understanding what triggers your illness contributes a hell of a lot to your well being. I'm still learning about my triggers. One is the need to recharge as you put it. From self help books I learned other ways to maintain oneself for e.g. affirmations said silently to oneself.

All the best with your journey. Looking forward to hearing more from you (when it suits!).

Cheers TMB

Hi Indra,

Thanks for the positive feedback, it helps a lot. Will watch Holy Grail again sometime, I think I have it. I thought Fawlty Towers was pretty good too. Anyway, hope you are travling ok. Am not writing much at present, still in preparation mode. One day! Good luck with yours.

Cheers TMB

Hi Mz,

Yes, aren't amazing people's quotes full of meaning, just fantastic. It is Hermann Hesse that I was referring to. I was enthralled by his book, "Siddhartha" He has lots of very well liked ones.

It's wonderful that as you say. you're beginning to stop self blame. I try to self-accept all the time though it's sometimes difficult. I'll tell you what I do, I hope it's helpful. I use self affirmations to bolster my self-esteem especially if I'm being self critical. e.g. I say to myself, "Stop!...I am a good person, I love and accept myself just the way I am". I repeat these to myself and it helps. Better than all negative stuff.

Take care

TMB

Hey TMB,

As for travelling today wasn't the brightest of days - just one foot in front of the other. I take the few shining moments when I can and battled a demon, which is a start. I am finding talking on here is a great relief and release. Having some cyber friends who listen certainly makes up for a huge lack of physical friends. I can drink coffee alone lol Hope you enjoy your weekend - now I am back to watch Shrek 2 - the positive of having children! Indra

Hi Indra,

Sorry your day wasn't the best. From what you say, it seems this thing weighs heavily on you at times. That's no good at all. Please feel free to unload if you wish, any time. Not sure how much I can help but I will be, at the very least, a good listener!

That's great that the forums are so good for you. We are very lucky to have you with us too! I get a lot out of BB as well. And I can identify with what you say re: a lack of physical friends. Cyber buddies unite!

My weekend is going well. Had lunch today at a Thai restaurant and did my grocery shopping.  Am looking forward to the local markets tomorrow. I'll be treasure hunting for movies and any other bargains I can find. I love it. Hope you have a brilliant "rest of the weekend!"

P.S. Wish I had kids! I love SHREK 2. haha!

Cheers TMB

Hey TMB,

Glad your weekend is going well!! Asian food is definitely a must - limited outings here, but did get to a great Korean restaurant a few weeks back. Markets are great for finding a bargain and I am definitely a bargain hunter - although I must say I am definitely not a girly girl as I deplore regular shopping lol Good luck I hope you find something ☺

I am also finding some useful info on the forums and actually finding it is giving me some answers as to why I am on thus road. A lot stems from my childhood. Thank you for lending an ear too - it's sometimes sad to think that people you have never met are listening to me more readily than people I know. I am thankful for the new cyber friends I am making. 

Also big kudos to you TMB for thanking Lauren (Mrs Dools) - she was the first person to really reach out to me on here and have finally been able to start opening up about myself. I have read some of your pieces and sounds like you have come along way.

Having children is a blessing and curse all rolled into one - but a reason why I stay strong abd focused.  Kids movies are fantastic - there is always something there for adults to get a chuckle. My 4 year old has just started his cinema experience - SpongeBob Movie, Shaun the Sheep and the new Avengers movie - I now have a Iron nan here - that and both kids have discovered Star Wars. 

Well I think I have babbled on enough for now - take care 

Indra

Hi Indra,

Great to hear from you again. Last year,I had "sizzling pork" at a Korean restaurant near my home. Delicious! I'm lucky as just around the corner from where I live are a bunch of really good restaurants.

 I am still upset that the Sunday markets I was telling you about were cancelled due to rain. I get my monthly supply of movies there as most are only $2 each! They have a wide range too.

That's really good that you are finding answers on the forum. And some are coming from your childhood. I imagine quite a few of people have issues going back to their childhood. On the surface mine was happy and carefree, however, my brother insists that my defense mechanism was to block out all the bad stuff. Not sure about that!

I am really happy to lend an ear if that helps. Mrs Dools has really helped me too. I am starting to open up as well but it's not that easy sometimes. I'm not used to "letting it out" at all. But it feels good to have some cyber friends. I saw Mrs Dools' "1000th" post and thought why not celebrate it!

Yes, I can imagine you need to be strong for your kids and focused. Raising kids is a full-time, responsible job. It never happened for me, that is having children. It just wasn't on the cards.

KIds movies DO have something for adults. I remember allowing myself to watch "Aladdin" years ago with some friends and thought it was very entertaining. The old Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck cartoons are quite funny too, I think.

So, both your kids have discovered Star wars? Wow there's a lot of movies to watch. I think the 7th one is out now. Do they have the toy lightsabers? Could handle one of those! lol

Thanks for listeniing,

Cheers TMB 

Hey TMB,

So disappointing about the markets - do the happen on a regular basis or a monthly thing? $2 is a bargain for a dvd - ebay has been my friend in that regard lol I can't always get out and about.

My brother and I have a bond as we went to hell and back as kids. Some of what happens makes you resilient and some still tears me down  - some of my stuff is on a thread with Lauren - and thanks for the ear - back at you too, I am a talker. I guess that's from not talking to many people, when I  have a chance there's a backlog lol 

My two are both challenging and rewarding - both on the Autism Spectrum and a big age gap too (15 and 4 ). They both like the old Bugs Bunny stuff too - so do I 😀😀

As for light sabers I am not game enough with the little one - he has also discovered wrestling. Both however have Stormtrooper figures and a 80cm Darth Vader!!!!

Was good to hear from you - trying to be positive after a few tough days with my older son's anxiety - hanging in there.

Damn now I have the Stars Wars theme music stuck in my head!!!! 

Take care,

Indra

Hi Indra,

Yeah, once every month the markets are on. I just joined E bay myself. I wanted a game called Quake. I had to join Paypal as well. I bought the game from America. It cost $10 U.S. plus $20 for freight! Now I have to put Dosbox on my computer to play it! Geez.

Yes! I call it endurance, what one needs to get thru life and especially MI. I even have the Chinese symbol tattooed on my back!  I'll have a squiz at your thread, so you are a talker I'm a closet talker.ha ha!

I know a lady who has a boy with autism living with her . He is a great kid. He plays the guitar and dances around a lot. He's around 12 and she loves him dearly. Wow! stormtroopers and a Darth Vader toy, sen__sat___ion___al!

Sorry to hear you had a few rough days, tell me about it if you like. I had a rough day Saturday. Fell in the trough for a day or so, feeling better now. My depression, I hope, is just about finished (touch wood). It has plagued me for many years but now it's getting better.

Thanks for getting back to me so fast. I bet you're a fast typer too.ha!

Am about to order the new Fall album and a friend has just bought the Madden bros. CD Looking forward to some sublime listening.

!All the Best

TMB

Hey TMB,

I used to be a fast typist when I was at work - rusty now lol Haven't been able to work for a couple of years because of my kids situations.

Ebay is great if the postage isn't to horrendous - I haven't gotten into gaming yet, so you are speaking a foreign language there lol just call me technology challenged. I only got a "modern" phone last year, so went all out and got a Galaxy S5 - took me awhile to figure it out lol 

My older son had quite a few meltdowns over the weekend and it can be small things that trigger it off too. His verbal communication is limited and it took a strong dose of meds to calm him down. It's not easy as he us now taller and bigger than me. It makes me feel lost and frustrated as I try and do as much for him as I can and when I can't help him it breaks me down. 

Sorry to hear you had a rough day as well and even happier to hear you bounced back quickly. I guess this wonderful roller coaster  is going to always be up and down.

I have been dealing with things for years and always get - "you are a strong person or independent"  little do they know. At least on here I can be me without getting judged. 

Awesome that you got your tattoo! I have 6 lol I would like to get more - just a matter of funds. I have great difficulty spending money or doing things for myself - just something else that is in my mix.

Good stuff on getting your new CD - googled the band - will get around to having a listen on youtube. I have been listening to Ramnstein's Rosenrot  (Rose Red) lately. I love Hilf Mir (Help Me ) and Spring (Jump). I enjoy doing the translate from German to English - my mum is German.

Onwards and upward - stay awesome 

Indra 

Hi Indra,

Sorry to get so technical on you! I'm not a real gamer, Quake is an old game (1996) that I used to play years ago. For some reason I just had a hankering for it again. It's a shoot 'em up game that's a lot of fun. A Galaxy S5 wow A nice phone! They can do almost anything!

I really feel for you Indra re: caring for your son(s). It must be very difficult for you. Wish I could help. Please feel free to talk more about it if that suits you. 

Yes, this rollercoaster! My head is clearing gradually and my symptoms are receding, it is just taking forever. Patience MB! Thankyou for your concern. Oh, and I will be reading your thread as soon as possible.

Are you very self-sacrificing? I think it's good for someone to lash out occasionally on oneself. My budget is very tight so I limit myself to some movies every now and then and the odd CD and meal out. I guess you can take time out for a walk or a nap and that's being kind to oneself too.

So you have 6 tatts, wow! I have 3. The last one I got 10 years ago. Some people don't like them but for me they all have some meaning. Don't really feel like getting any more but probably would if I was inspired.

Now, about The Fall. Some of their music is magnificent, I think, and some for me, is not so great. Anyway, if you're going to have a look on Youtube, you might like to try one or two of these more well known songs..."Hip Priest", "Theme from Sparta FC", "The Classical", "C.R.E.E.P."and "Frightened." Hope I'm not overloading you here. Please listen when and if you can.

I think I've heard of Ramnstein but never listened to them. A German band eh? I'm not sure but I think Kraftwerk and Faust were too. Spreken ze Deutsch! Is that right? lol I will check out Ramnstein too. Rosenrot eh?

Have a great (awesome is better) day!

TMB

Hi TMB,

I'm so going to get Siddhartha to read. In the few days since I dared go on here, I am amazed at how I feel myself be more patient and even kind to myself. I know this can change without warning but there is something about sharing and learning that so many of us have pain that is really hard to live with.

I have started telling myself to STOP when I get going on my mysanthropic rants in my head. I have started to do things that I read on here. There are so many people here that I see get support and I still sense I have the old self obsession which stops me from sharing sometimes.

Terrified someone is gonna say ............ wrong, you can't be like that. Getting some psychologist help next week and hope my self talk dares to grow in a positive way with more understanding and less cynisism.

I have nursing exams over the next two weeks and at the young age of 51 am wondering why am I doing this? Today, I remember why and am glad I am. I'm also lucky to be able to. Thank you for your post and your help about affirmations. It is so easy to slip into self hurt but when someone else reminds me about telling myself to accept myself just as I am, I realise how powerful that is.

I hope you are well.

Cheers,

Mz.

Hey TMB,

Today was a bit of a mixed bag for me - but nothing out of the norm.  It's ok - be technical, it makes me use my head to look things up and learn. After not working for awhile I need to keep my mind active otherwise I tend to start thinking negatively.

Thank you for thinking of us - believe me if some of the great people I have spoken to on hear lived around the corner I would be taking them up on offers - even just  coffee and chat. It is good still to have cyber buddies though. It is difficult as it constantly changes and starting to go through round 2 with my youngest who will be on the high functioning end.

I'm definitely self sacrificing and thank you TMB I had never actually heard a term for it. Obviously my boys always come first, I always feel guilty when I spend money on myself. I think it has been so long since I have had anything for me I just don't  know howto do it anymore.  Sounds weird I know - and I have started walking - need to get that in before it gets any colder lol Sleep - what is that?? Hahaha 

I am the same with my tatts - they are for me. My favourite is the Black Sabbath  archangel on my leg! 

Anyway duty calls - talk soon.

Cheers

Indra 

Hi Mz,

Very glad to hear from you. And to see the improvements you have made. That's great!

Telling yourself stop! and putting into practice recommendations from others sounds really productive to me. So too is seeing a Psychologist. Good on you! Good luck with it.

I know what you say when you speak of, the fear of others judging you as wrong. I have felt this way too.

Best of luck with your nursing exams. 51 is still so young and I'm sure you have  good reasons for doing what you're doing. Yes. those affirmations are powerful aren't they?

.I am going ok, getting better all the time, thanks for asking.

You have spoken about wrongness and cynicism, more understanding and rants in your head. I'd imagine your psychologist will be able to help with these issues.

If I may, I'd also like to recommend another book to you, called "Self Esteem" by Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning. ISBN: 1572241985  New Harbinger Publications

I believe it can help with those issues above and with all sorts of things to do with self-esteem. It has helped me a lot.

Take care

TMB

P.S. Hope you enjoy Siddhartha!

Hi Indra,

Good luck with round 2 with your youngest.

I too need to be busy otherwise I can dwell on my problems too much. Luckily, now, I can do more activity-wise than when I was sicker. I have more energy now than previously and my stamina is better..

Ok, if you wish, I will be technical from now on.

Hey, a coffee and chat sounds great! and cake? I wonder if there is such a thing as a cyber coffee?  lol.

Your selflessness doesn't sound weird to me at all. In fact it sounds much the same as I was years ago but what happened to me and how I improved my lot is another, longish  story.

A Black Sabbath archangel sounds cool. I have a Betta Splendens tattoo on my shoulder. A what? You may have heard of one?

I had a quiet day today, down the street for some supplies then back home on the computer. Seem to be living on the comp. lately. It takes me ages to do a reply to a post, I go over it very slowly. 

Hope you had a good walk. I walk too, a minimum of 30 mins a day. I have to watch my weight as I have a fairly high blood sugar level plus sleep apnoea.and I like my food.

Listened to Spring and liked it. Need to listen more to fully explore it...l like the German accent.

Read some of your previous posts today and got a fuller picture of you.

Hope you and family are well and you get some decent sleep soon.

Take Care

Cheers

TMB

Hey TMB,

Round 2 started today with miniman, we had a first visit with the mental health nurse today to start dealing with his anger issues - which have predominantly been caused by donor 2 (his father ) this was a positive. On the downside my older son had major anxiety meltdown this afternoon - he has a long visitation this weekend and it is never a good time here leading up to it. To top it off major issues with the partner - oh and running on 4 hours of broken sleep hence a venting moment on another thread!!

At the moment coffee, chat, cry, cake and laugh would be great and in that order. Same here l need to shrink again - I gave up smoking last year and a few health things - the weight reappeared. Working on it!! 

☕☕☕☕☕☕☕☕ will that do for cyber coffee as a start?? Lol

You got a partial picture of me - that would cover the start of my life - as you said long, long stories and in here is the first time I have opened up about things.

If you had said a betta fish I would have got it lol my youngest had 3 fish tanks and we did have a blue one for awhile. Cool tatt though - my others are a blue thorn swirl pattern, my son's initials and got a cover up last year. Now have a crow chasing a butterfly - my grief for my son's disability. As I said - they are mine and have had some for over 10 years - before the became a trend and no - no tramp stamps lol

I'm glad you liked some of the Rammstein stuff - they are fairly dark - when you translate the lyrics Spring is a very interesting story! Til Lindemann the lead singer has the perfect rolled R!!

I didn't walk today had a busy morning and Wednesday my older son's school finishes early.

Just trying to get little one to sleep - he fights it. I might get a few hours or it's back to more coffee 😨😨😨

Look after yourself TMB and thanks for being a friend,

Indra 

Hi Indra,

You certainly sound like you are in the wars. I hope things improve with your two sons and with your partner and in the sleep department. It's hard to get by on 4 hours shut eye. Let me know more about these issues if you like. I'm here to listen (and help).

Good on you for giving up smoking. That's a big plus for your health. I gave up in 2002, best thing I ever did. But yes the weight can become a problem. I try to eat right and do some exercise. It makes me laugh how years ago my brother and I used to raid Woolies late at night for ice cream and lollies. It was bad health wise but such good fun.

Thanks for the cyber coffee, very nice.

It's great to see you can open up here at the forums. I think it is better than carrying it all around with you. Even I am starting to do it. Wow, that must have a lot of meaning for you, a crow chasing a butterfly. My other 2 are the Chinese symbol for endurance and a small rose. They are like signposts into the past for me. Mine, too are all a decade or more old and a bit before tattoos became fashionable. Excuse my ignorance but what is a tramp stamp? (is it a poor quality tatt?)

Will listen to Spring some more, an interesting story eh? and the rolled "r"s.

I am going away for a trip to the country from noon Fri till Mon arvo. Will have my mobile so will be able to read posts but not send any. If you are busting to talk with someone you can send me your posts and I'll get back to you Mon night. If not, that's cool.

Hope you have an excellent long weekend. I wish you well.

All the best

TMB

Hi TMB,

Thanks for the info on the self esteem book. Am going to look for that especially with my tiny positive steps I'm finally acting on. Had a big change in my thinking on my first exam day. My 27 yo daughter was on her way to hospital by ambulance just as I was leaving for school when they called me. Drug induced seizure and her boyfriend told me I needed to get to the hospital asap. As a string of panic and worrying thoughts hit me, I weighed up what I felt was the right thing to do.

I went to school. My daughter is safe and although mad at me, she has experienced something that is at least making her think things need to change. There are so many people on here that are inspiring and interesting and I gave a small presentation at school about BB and how it can help us all.

Only eight exams to go and I have booked in for a new tatt as a treat for me when they are finished. Thanks for being here.

Cheers.

Mz.

Hi Mz,

I'm so pleased you are getting the self-esteem book I recommended. It is a fantastic book with heaps of down to earth ways of looking after your self-esteem. The book has just about all the answers for establishing and maintaining a healthy sense of worth.. It is much like a manual for helping to look after oneself, mentally. Now I am raving on a bit.

Very sorry to hear about your daughter. So glad she is alright now and has a new point of view about things. You must have been in a state wondering what to do when told you were needed at the  hospital. Sounds to me like you looked at all of the consequences in making your decision. That is exactly what I try to do when faced with a difficult choice.

You're right about all the great people here at Beyond Blue, it is a unique place full of very wise, interesting and knowledgeable souls. That's wonderful you giving a presentation at school about BB. Thank you so much for that.

8 exams to go wow! Good luck with them. I hope you do well. How have you gone so far? Do you have any results yet? So, you're getting a new tattoo, good on you. Do you have anything in particular in mind?

If you don't mind me saying, I think you are going really well with a terrific attitude which makes me feel very happy for you.

BB is always here for you.

All the Best

TMB

Hi TMB,

Hope you enjoy  your weekend away, so very lucky. 

Well bearer of bad tidings here and thank you as now I need a friend more than ever.

My partner walked out on us this morning - just said I am moving out and that was it. Wouldn't talk or anything. I feel very numb and you talk of decay, I feel like the world is crumbling around me, rotted from the core. I still don't know how to explain it to my boys. 

I crumbled and had some cigarettes today - first time in a year. I will get back on track with it. I am not supposed to as I am on thinners 😮

I feel lost that's all I can say.

Oh a tramp stamp is a tattoo at the base of the spine.

Indra