Feel like ive come crashing right down this week. Almost to the point id actually believe that i did send an email to Centrelink that i had thoughts of suicide.
Because really life is just too hard. I have had thoughts of self harm this week but havent done anything because my usual spots are now covered in expensive tattoos that i dont want to ruin, plus its coming into summer. Which makes it hard because self harm just provides a release, a distraction that i dont think anyone would understand unless youve been there.
So why am i feeling like this? Mainly because those who said they would be a reference for me for my next job havent done their checks and cant be reached. Because one job thinks that i have no right to work in Australia even though i was born here and have an Australian birth certificate. They said to prove my right to work here i need either a passport(no way in hell im spending hundreds to get a passport i wont even use), a citizenship certificate(im an Australian citizen by birth ffs), or a parents Australian birth certificate(like im some school kid needing my parents permission to go on an excursion, major breech in privacy too).
So im feeling like absolute crap. This job hunt is just getting more and more ridiculous the more places i apply, im over it! Im sick to death of employers thinking theyre high and mighty that they can employ someone with 10+ years experience and a stupid amount of checks to do!
Even my newest police check has been delayed now and needing an officer to check things through, likely due to the police showing up at my door last week. Before that, the police checks had no issue in progressing. So what? The police going to classify me as unfit to work? Hope theyre the ones going to pay me if they pull that shit on me...
With my son back at school now too i just feel numb. I just sit or lay on the lounge all day wondering what i should do and nothing comes to mind. I loved piano and gaming and binging netflix and reading and learning japanese but now i just find no joy in it. I say something and forget ive already said it. The only thing im looking forward to right now is my weight loss surgery at the end of November, at least that will help me reach one goal ive spent years trying to reach.
Just wish i was normal..