I've been and gone on this site for many years now as I have suffered intermittant depression, anxiety and various other symptoms. I'm lost now. I've burned through a handful of psychiatrists, a larger handful of shrinks, and been on all sorts of medication. Have also had a stint in a private psych hospital last year for 'depression'.
Um, so I'm male, 35 and have had depression since my late teens. I've been on anti-depressants for years but it seems like my moods stablise for a while..then I go back to where I was. I think the depression is a result of all my other problems, things that I've only started to notice, such as mood swings, anxiety . My current psych diagnosed me with an "undetermined mood disorder", I've been snapping at my partner for months for no reason, I've turned away the last remnants of my friend base and I really dislike social circles. I'm only just coping at work - I am in technical sales consultancy so need to act like an extrovert - and do - but it's all a scam. I'm empty, confused, agitated and lost inside, both professionally and personally. I sit at work and pretend to act busy because I am just sick of trying to create smalltalk with people. Social situations scare me a little and I can't trust anyone and a lot of social interactions and building relationships with people doesnt make sense to me, I have felt like I was meant to be born on a different planet for most of my adult life.
I'm intermittantly more depressed and anxious at times than others. I have a really bad image of myself in my mind and cant shake it, I vomit some of what I eat up nearly every day because it feels so good afterward (the feeling of punishing myself) especially when I eat unhealthy stuff. My psychs (normal one and the one at the clinic) both know this and they havent done anything about it, they seem to think it's just a anxiety thing.
Did I mention I have like, hardly any interests? I suppose that's a 'feature' of depression. I go to the gym and have been obsessing over property investing at the moment but that's it. I dont have any friends either to share these interests with, so do them myself. Its as if I don't even exist and I'm not sure I like it that way or not. I keep thinking about myself at 60 looking back on my life and seeing what I could have done differently. What little friends I do have that I do talk to are all on Facebook adn are in different cities, and for some reason they're all female (?). I often have low (no) sex drive but occasionally get huge bursts of sex drive for some reason.
As I've got no friends or family to talk to about any of this stuff and I don't think my girlfriend/partner understands all of this really, here I am again. I sure as hell dont I just feel like I'm suffering and sick of it. Trapped is how I feel. And resigned. I can't stomach the thought of going back to my psychologist again so soon after dealing with one praticular subject to go around what I feel is like a huge cycle through my life again. I went to my psychiatrist recently and told him everything was great on my current med, and at that moment in time it seemed to be. I feel like a hypocondriac and a total waste of resources going to yet another different psychologist or doctor. Going to more of these people, or the same ones again, just doesn't seem to possibly achieve anything. The power of positive thinking seems like a huge disillusionment right now.
I'm angry at the world for abandoning me and leaving me to fend for myself. I've been trying to communicate my feelings for years and it feels like nobody's interested in listening anymore. I thought I had dealt with issues about growing up an overweight, only child in a dysfunctional family with little support network and years of bullying but obviously I'm just coping, I haven't dealt with them, I want to burn down my old school and physically harm people from my early life. I wrote a horrible email to my old high school recently accusing them of not exerting a duty of care and turning a blind eye for when I was at school. I have no idea what the poor person thought when they read. I've completely disconnected emotionally from my last immediate family member, my mother, and I dont know if its because I am blaming her deep down for that stuff or if I am angry for something else. I called her last weekend because it was Easter. It was the first time I had since Xmas.
Life with my partner is on ice. I feel like I cant live without her and cant decide whether I truly love her - I thought I did but really I dont think I know really what love is. She wants to have kids with me, I think she's mad but I'm going along with it anyway because secretly I am dying to have kids but I am absolutely terrified of bringing kids into this world and treating them the same way I was treated when I was little.
Suicide, you betchya. I fantasised it a lot last year and that's how I ended up at the clinic. Now I'm fantasising about it again. And I feel trapped. I want to abandon everything in my life and run.. but I don't know where...or to what.