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Forums / Depression / Happy Doormat Day To Me

Topic: Happy Doormat Day To Me

7 posts, 0 answered
  1. Guest_1573
    Guest_1573 avatar
    149 posts
    8 May 2022
    So it is another Mothers' Day. Another day where I get nothing. No recognition; no presents. I don't care about material issues but I have bought my son up on my own since he was two. I have sacrificed money, a beautiful house, many so called friends...all to get him out of the violence we were living with at that time.

    That was 15 years ago. I have never gotten over having to give up so much. I have had major issues with finances, mental health and day to day care of my son. As not one person ever helped us.

    He is now a lazy slob and only cares about himself. I love him; don't get me wrong. But it is soul destroying living with him. He is very overweight. He blames his situation on everyone but himself. He is not making any effort to get a job or enrol in his uni courses. I try everything I can think of to motivate him. Nothing works!!!!

    So today is just another depressing day watching him play his stupid computer games and eat everything in the house. I am so bloody sick of it. I am 57 years old for gods sake; I am working at a supermarket whilst he sits around doing nothing. He then gets upset and dramatic. Says he hates himself and wants to die etc etc. I have booked appointments for him (counsellors etc) and he always bails at the last minute. I have done everything possible to help him. He just wants to be a lazy slob and smoke weed and stuff when he goes out with his so called mates.

    His 'father' is obviously useless. He only cares about himself. I am just so sick to death of this. What can I do? I can't kick him out...he has nowhere to go...it is a horrible life. If he was doing the right thing I would love him to stay. But he is abusing my love and generosity and I really can't deal.

     
  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6816 posts
    8 May 2022 in reply to Guest_1573
    Dear Panicmerchant,

    Thank you for being part of our forums, it takes a lot of courage and strength to reach out for support and we're so glad that you've shared with us today. 

    We're so sorry to hear about what you and your son are going through - it sounds like it has been a tough time for both of you.

    Along with the community support you'll get here, we've also reached out to you privately via email so that we can support you and your son further.

    We'd also like to provide you with some other resources/help/support ideas to help you with you and your son, and to help anyone else reading this post who may be going through some similar times...

    Some ideas for you:

    * If you can, try getting your son to the GP (if you haven't already), to share this information with them, would be beneficial - at the very least, please feel free to share this information with his (and your) GP on his behalf
    * Perhaps you could contact us via phone, and also encourage your son to reach out to us (at BB) on the phones 1300 22 4636, or via our online chat service here (we're available 24/7).

    You may also be able to encourage him to reach out to one of the other following support lines (also available 24/7, and also have both phone and online chat options for both you and your son... kids helpline is just for your son however):

    * Lifeline 13 11 14
    * Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800
    * You could also consider contacting Headspace yourself and talking through this with them yourself?

    Parenting teens can be very difficult and it's hard on both of you at them moment! We want to send you lots of encouragement to hang in there and stay connected to positive supports.

    A good article about depression, teens and parenting can be found here: https://raisingchildren.net.au/pre-teens/mental-health-physical-health/stress-anxiety-depression/depression, and also here: https://parents.au.reachout.com/common-concerns/mental-health/things-to-try-depression/help-your-teenager-with-depression

    We really recognise the impact this is having on you as well, Panicmerchant, so we really want to encourage you to seek good supports for yourself as well.

    Please let us know how you're going and keep us up to date...

    Kind regards,

    Sophie M
    1 person found this helpful
  3. Sophia16
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    Sophia16 avatar
    286 posts
    8 May 2022 in reply to Guest_1573

    Hi,

    Thank you for being so open here. It sounds like you are going through a difficult time. You wish your son did better in life and you wish his father helped. It is hard to deal with all of that but just know that you have been very strong throughout all of this. I am truly inspired by how hard you have worked for your family and where you are today.

    Stay safe and i am always here to chat.

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Petal22
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Petal22 avatar
    2125 posts
    8 May 2022 in reply to Guest_1573

    Hi Panicmerchant,

    Im sorry you are feeling this way I understand it would be hard.

    It would also be hard for your son, he probably wonders himself why he is the way he is, he probably wishes he could be different but he doesn’t know how to be.

    Can you try to show your son some understanding I know it’s hard to see him this way but he may not realise the pain he causes you by being the way he is.

    You could try to calmly talk to him about the way he is feeling but come from an understanding place…… understanding instead of judgment………. By choosing understanding you will feel a shift within yourself……. and then just listen.

    Maybe you could both work on having a closer trusting relationship so you can both build on this and grow.

    Slowly but surely your son will choose his life path and once he does you will be free again but it will take time and nurturing.

    I wish you all the best and happy Mother’s Day 💐

    1 person found this helpful
  5. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9778 posts
    8 May 2022 in reply to Guest_1573

    Hi, welcome

    This is such a heart wrenching problem and I apologise in advance for the "hard love" I am about to propose. I am taking your mental health as a priority.

    Firstly, I'm 66yo, have 2 adult daughters one I am close to and one, following many years of narcissistic behaviour mirroring her mother, I said goodbye, again for self preservation (I had one suicidal event). Talk about pain.

    I suggest you make a plan. It could be 3,6,9 months, no more or he'll think it won't happen. Your plan can include things like-

    • Travelling in a camper van
    • Moving into a one bedroom unit
    • Moving interstate

    Etc. Whatever you plan is for your reasons, in fact one lesson to learn is- you don't need a reason.!

    Your son is an adult, he can work, he can work 2 or 3 part time jobs, he can volunteer to help needy organisations, he hasn't turned out to represent a man he should be- time to change.

    Will you panic? No reason to. As an unemployed man with no where to live he can get rental allowance, team up with sharing a premises with flatmates like uni students do, pay equal portions of power bills etc and if he struggles... he can work at take away shops or get a security guard license. He can of course move in with dad?

    I think by now you realise you've developed into an enabler of sorts, where mum will do it all for me. You feel used and this is in the prime of your life.

    My prediction is, if you make a plan and give him a timeline, when move out day comes, he'll stay. But you'll need to make sure you are gone the next day.

    I think you know what I'm saying. Love and care is a two way street even parents and their children.

    Reply anytime

    TonyWK

    2 people found this helpful
  6. Guest_1573
    Guest_1573 avatar
    149 posts
    11 May 2022

    Thanks so much to you all for your support and advice.

    A few things have happened since my last post. Things that have actually enraged me and realised I need to look after myself! I arranged some job apps for him. He had an interview yesterday. I got up early and spent $200 on an outfit for his interview. He whinged about it the entire way to the interview (yes I drove him as he is yet to get his licence).

    After interview he told me some stuff that the store want his uni timetable before they will hire him. I do not believe this. Anyway we came home and did he organise his uni timetable? Of course not! He claimed to be 'stressed' from the interview and proceeded to spend all day on his computer.

    Today he made a very lame attempt to organise his timetable; the second it all went wrong he lost his cool and refused to continue. 

    His 'father' has blocked me so I cannot get any support from him. This all came about when my son arked up about going there...long story short I ended up in hospital and yet again.. son comes out of it unscathed.

    I cannot tolerate him anymore. He is destroying my life not just his.

  7. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6816 posts
    11 May 2022 in reply to Guest_1573
    Hi Panicmerchant,

    Thank you for sharing an update with us here. We can hear it’s been a really difficult few days. We are reaching out to you privately, to check you’re ok.

    We noticed you mentioned having to go to hospital. If your son has been violent towards you, we want to really strongly encourage you to call 1800 RESPECT (180 737 732) to discuss this. They are experts in supporting people going through this and will listen in a kind, understanding and non-judgmental way. You can also reach them via online chat, here. We strongly urge you to reach out, and if at any point you believe there is risk that he may harm you, or himself, please call 000 as this is an emergency.

    You can also call us on 1300 22 4636 anytime, or reach us on webchat to talk your feelings through. We also wanted to suggest Headspace might be a good resource for your son, if you feel he may be open to it. You can reach them on 1800 650 890, or reach them online, here.

    Thanks again for your openness in sharing here, Panicmerchant.

    Kind regards,

    Sophie M
    1 person found this helpful

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