It sounds like things are really difficult for you right now. Please know that you don't need to go through this alone, and that with the right help, things can and will get better for you. We're concerned for you, and really encourage you to speak to someone about your suicidal thoughts.
Do you have a support person in your life that you could talk with?
We'd also really encourage you to call our Support Line on 1300 22 46 36. You can call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and speak with a beyondblue counsellor about what you are going through. They can help you through this and talk to you about the support options available in your local area. If you feel more comfortable chatting online, you can also try the new beyondblue Webchat service.
It sounds like you do want help, and you've done so well to reach out on this forum, so please do take these next few steps towards feeling better. We hope you keep posting to let us know how you are going.
With best wishes
beyondblue moderation team