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Forums / Depression / Hi everyone, I'm back.

Topic: Hi everyone, I'm back.

  1. mb20lover
    blueVoices member
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    1524 posts
    17 November 2020
    Hi everyone, mb20lover here. I wasn't sure where to post this.

    It's been a while since I was on the forums, so I just wanted to make a post saying that I'm back. However, I'll try my best to limit my time, comments, etc on here.

    I won't bother tagging anyone, and I'll try to keep this as my only open thread that I have created.

    I've missed everyone I've spoken to on here, and I hope to talk to some new people. I have been using my offline supports - my Psychiatrist, GP, Parent support of course, and a Social Worker. I'm in the process of finding a Psychologist but I'm having no luck.

    Anyway, I just wanted to pop in and say hello, and also I hope I haven't upset anyone on the forums or anything like that because nothing was intentional, so I deeply apologise.

    An update on me, I recently turned 21, can't do much with COVID though, it's a hard year for everyone unfortunately.

    I also have a milestone, an achievement, I've been seeing my Psychiatrist for a year which is the longest I've stayed with a therapist. And I also finally have a GP I feel comfortable with. I'm on different meds that seem to be working a little but I still of course have my moments, but these meds I've been on the longest for out of any of the ones I've tried.

    Other than that, please don't feel pressured to comment anyone, although it would be nice to connect with some people, old or new, but like I said that's okay. I just wanted to check in.

    If you've read this and made it this far, thank you. Stay safe and take care everyone, as much as possible with the unfortunate COVID circumstances.

    Thinking of all the Beyond Blue Mods & Users. I've missed everyone.

    - mb20lover.
    3 people found this helpful
  2. Matchy69
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    17 November 2020 in reply to mb20lover

    Hi Tayla good to see you back.I been thinking of you and hoping you were ok.I will talk more later.

    Tale care,

    Your friend,

    Mark.

    3 people found this helpful
  3. mb20lover
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    17 November 2020 in reply to Matchy69

    Hello Mark, thank you.

    I've been thinking of you also and I hope you're OK too. Thank you for thinking of me, that means a lot. I've missed chatting with you and others here.

    I like your profile picture, looks like a nice spot. Take care also.

    - Tayla.

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Matchy69
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    17 November 2020 in reply to mb20lover

    Hi Tayla, I had my surgery in July but has not been real succssful and they going to have more surgery in a couple of weeks or so.I haven't got an exact date for it yet.They want to take some biopsies and check for cancer as well.

    Happy 21st for you to.I know under the restrictions it wasn't what you would have been thinking when you turn 21.You can remember it was the year of the corona virus.

    It is good you are still seeing your psychiatrist and found a good GP.My GP finally came back to work after maternity leave which got extended because of Covid19.I haven't seen her yet but my son has but it is nice to know she's back.

    It looked like we were going to get a thunder storm but it disappeared.It has been so hot here and we have a mice plague at the moment.Another thing to go on top of the drought and bushfires and covid19.

    Tale care,

    Your friend,

    Mark.

    2 people found this helpful
  5. mb20lover
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    17 November 2020 in reply to Matchy69

    Hey again Mark.

    I'm sorry to hear about your surgery, I hope you're recovering and that it's not cancer, and they can figure something out with the next surgery or something.

    Thank you for the late birthday wishes, I won't say the date but it was at the very start of the month, so November.

    That's good that your son has seen the GP, hopefully you can see her at some point if you wish to aswell. It's nice that I've finally found a good GP, it's at the same clinic, just been seeing a new one, and I've seen him for a few months. Him & my Psychiatrist are on a 1st name basis with the letters I see, lol. And they had a phone call regarding me and what to do.

    I'm seeing them both monthly, whenever I can get in really as they both book out quickly. Still having trouble getting a Psychologist, I find places that seem good, then they're not taking any. Then another one I saw on Telehealth was rude & I was offended by what she said, so I'm not seeing her anymore. Still having no luck with that and social activities, even before COVID. Which is one reason I wanted to come back here.

    Sometimes I cancel my GP appointments because I feel like I'm wasting his time just by venting anyway, I'm not going there for a physical issue. I feel like I waste my Psychiatrist's time too.

    - Tayla.

    2 people found this helpful
  6. Matchy69
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    18 November 2020 in reply to mb20lover

    Hi Tayla, that' not good you struggling to find a good psychologist. They All ways seem so hard to get into and that' in normal times but now in covid world it has got worst and to find one you are happy with to.

    I didn't really like the other doctors at the practise.I only saw them if I had to so I am glad mine is back.She is really good.

    I hope your day is going ok.

    Take care,

    Your friend,

    Mark.

    1 person found this helpful
  7. mb20lover
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    18 November 2020 in reply to Matchy69

    Hey Mark.

    I agree with the struggle of finding Psychologists. I did have 1 good one that I saw in 2014, 2015, but he closed down his practice and I have no way of contacting him. I did contact the place he works at now (he had his own practice) numerous times but was always ignored.

    Yeah there was this one GP I used to see at the same clinic, but I had to stop seeing her when I turned 21 anyway, same with all her patients, however she does see Mums. She wouldn't prescribe me my meds even with letters from my Psychiatrist, so I gave up.

    Hope your day is good too.

    - Tayla.

  8. mocha delight
    mocha delight  avatar
    412 posts
    18 November 2020 in reply to mb20lover

    Hi mb20lover it’s good to see that your back and I really hope you find a good psychologist soon 🤞. The psychologist I’m seeing is not the one my gp recommended as when I called to book a appointment she was not taking on new clients. So I actually found the one I’m now seeing from here on the beyond blue website and she’s great and I’ve had my 4th appointment with her plus got the 5th & 6th appointment booked in as well.

    2 people found this helpful
  9. White Rose
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    White Rose avatar
    6322 posts
    18 November 2020 in reply to mb20lover

    Hello Tayla

    I don't think I have written on your previous threads. Welcome back and a belated happy birthday for your 21st. Not a good time to have milestone events. I know a couple who married with only immediate family present. My granddaughter went to her school formal last night but was a risk they may have cancelled it due to COVID. Fortunately it went ahead. So it is sad you could not have a celebration for your birthday.

    Having a GP you trust and who you feel you can work with is great. I have one of those GP. I just do not know what I would do if she retired. I think you are doing more than just venting with your GP. How do you feel after meeting with him? We all need to vent at times and that's OK but I feel sure he also talks about your mental health. Again with your psychiatrist. I really believe that if you were simply wasting time with them they would say so.

    Hope to see you post more here.

    Mary

    2 people found this helpful
  10. Matchy69
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    19 November 2020 in reply to mb20lover

    Hi Tayla I hope your doing ok today.Hows trying to find a psychologist going?My daughter was seeing one that I thought was good but my daughter decided not to see her anymore which really was a bad decision and the reason she was seeing her was because she doen't want to see people or go to school.I am afraid she will end up like me all alone and just stuck at home.

    Your friend,

    Mark.

    1 person found this helpful
  11. mb20lover
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    20 November 2020

    Hi everyone, sorry I'm just replying now. Nice to see everyone around again.

    mocha delight - thank you, sorry to hear you were struggling finding a Psychologist also, but I'm glad you've now found one and they seem to be a good fit for you.

    White Rose - hey, I've seen you around & we've chatted, so hi again. Thank you for the belated birthday wishes & kind words. Sometimes I feel better after seeing my GP & Psychiatrist, I occasionally see a Social Worker too, whenever I can get in really. I see her in a few days, my GP & Psychiatrist in December. We all have a laugh but talk about serious stuff so it's good. Sorry to hear about your friend.

    Mark - hey again, I'm ok, thank you. How are you? I'm still struggling to find a Psychologist, the Telehealth company said this one lady will see me but I don't know. I'm very hesitant to see one again and I think I'm coping OK with my treatment now anyway. I don't like how my Psychiatrist & GP seem to be very pushy & forceful when I keep explaining to them my past traumatic experiences & why I'm scared to see one again & whatnot. I know they're trying to help but I wish they would see it from my POV, it gets annoying at times. I know that's their job but I feel like they don't listen. Sorry to hear about your Daughter & being stuck at home alone, I know how that feels.

    Take care all, I hope you're all well, nice to hear from you all again. Sorry for taking so long to reply to all of you.

    - Tayla.

  12. mb20lover
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    21 November 2020 in reply to mb20lover

    Hi everyone.

    Feeling really lonely lately, having flashbacks & weird dreams. Don't know what to do anymore. Don't see my GP & Psychiatrist until next month. I see the Social Worker on the 26th though. Sick of getting no sleep at night & staying up late & sleeping in.

    - Tayla.

    1 person found this helpful
  13. AliasKind
    AliasKind avatar
    34 posts
    21 November 2020 in reply to mb20lover

    Hey Tayla,

    Just wanted to reach out and offer my sympathies and support. I too struggle with loneliness and seldom know what to do. I do have a sleeping routine, though I tend to oversleep. I wish there was some magic cure. While it's great these forums are here, it's a little bit of a shame there isn't any way to progress a friendship further. I'm here with you, sitting quietly.

    2 people found this helpful
  14. mb20lover
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    21 November 2020 in reply to AliasKind

    Hey AliasKind, sorry I'm just replying to you now.

    Thank you for your kind words. I'm sorry you deal with sleep issues, loneliness, etc too. I wish we could be friends somehow off here as well, it would be good.

    I struggle a lot with loneliness, at night I seem to like my own time alone, although I HATE the dark. In bed I listen to music with the TV on in the background, or watch videos or something. I usually have some wax melts (like candles but you put them in a warmer, so without the flame), that relaxes me a little, even just smelling them.

    Whenever I see people out with friends or family, it makes me jealous. The last time I hung out with someone was 2 years ago and I've known this person since I was 8 years old, so since primary school. Yes she's been there for me but she was also very toxic. She always used to brag to me about how she has 3 jobs, siblings, lots of money, her own second hand car (which was crap but still) and enough money to buy a new one, all her friendship groups, and so on. She always seemed to delete the photos of us but whenever I went to her house, there were heaps of notes and pictures from her friends, and she always wrote long paragraphs for them on her birthday & vice versa, sometimes I didn't even get a happy birthday. Sigh.

    But yeah, it's very hard for me to make friends. I see people and I turn away. Sometimes I say hi but they probably can't hear me anyway.

    - Tayla.

  15. AliasKind
    AliasKind avatar
    34 posts
    22 November 2020 in reply to mb20lover

    That's rough, having a toxic friend. Wax melts sound lovely, soothing even. I think jealousy would be a natural reaction, when you see people have things you want for yourself, jealousy sounds completely reasonable. Do you ever wonder how your life will develop, I do sometimes, about mine. I just hope it's not the same in 5 years time, I suppose I need to do something different or it's inevitable - who knows?

    Here's to another day, doing the best we can.

    1 person found this helpful
  16. mb20lover
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    22 November 2020 in reply to AliasKind

    Hey AliasKind.

    Yes they are relaxing. And yeah I don't need that so called "friend" anymore.

    And I don't know about how my life will develop, I feel like I haven't even got one anyway.

    - Tayla

  17. AliasKind
    AliasKind avatar
    34 posts
    22 November 2020 in reply to mb20lover
    Hey, didn't want to let that one go unanswered. I know how we can be the most brutal with ourselves and I hear how you feel about yourself. Just wanted to let you know I don't feel that way about you. You reach out here and offer advice, comfort and support. That has real value. Hugs to you x
    1 person found this helpful
  18. mb20lover
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    22 November 2020 in reply to AliasKind

    Thank you for the kind words AliasKind. Hugs and love back to you.

    Hello if anyone else is around here too.

    - Tayla

  19. mb20lover
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    22 November 2020 in reply to mb20lover

    Feeling unwanted lately, not because of anyone here, no one's done anything wrong. It's just that whenever I try to seek help, like earlier, the helplines are rude and unhelpful and I get told to go away. I feel like I'm not worthy for treatment and help, like I don't deserve it. I give up.

    Having the dark thoughts of SH & SI now, I'm safe, just thoughts. I just give up.

    - Tayla

  20. Sophie_M
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    3641 posts
    22 November 2020 in reply to mb20lover
    We're so sorry to hear that you felt dismissed and unsupported. We hope you know that despite such experiences, you are deserving of kindess, compassion and support. 

    Please remember that if at any point you become an immediate danger to yourself, this is an emergency and you should contact 000 (triple zero). 
    1 person found this helpful
  21. mb20lover
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    22 November 2020 in reply to Sophie_M

    I'm not in danger, just having thoughts. I'm not at risk of harming myself or others. Thank you though Sophie_M.

    - Tayla

  22. mb20lover
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    22 November 2020 in reply to Sophie_M

    I'm ok Sophie_M, I'm not in danger and I'm not going to do anything. I have these thoughts often. Thank you though. Sorry if I worried anyone.

    - Tayla

  23. Sleepy21
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    22 November 2020 in reply to mb20lover

    hey Tayla

    this has happened to me many many times.
    I hate it. I've had unpleasant experiences with most hotlines.
    I've also had very good ones. I'm so sorry you feel very let down by it. Please realise it's not personal. They sometimes aren't good. If you feel they are rude to you, would you feel comfortable to quickly end the chat if its online (no reason needed) or to simply hang up if its on the phone (no reason needed).
    There are good and bad ones out there. I'm sorry they weren't supportive for you. I'm really impressed with how you keep help-seeking. You're showing amazing self care and strength. You are worth getting help.

    2 people found this helpful
  24. Jstar49
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    43 posts
    22 November 2020 in reply to mb20lover

    Hey again Tayla,

    we haven't really chatted cos I'm only new here but your name keeps popping up and I really feel for you.

    What you say about seeing people having fun and feeling... what was it? like you're not any good at making friends? Gosh I know that feeling, especially when I was younger. And I don't want to sound all old and wise and sh..t but, I really like myself now! I have found that I am a bit different from what I think is the majority, and that's ok, cos y'know what? The majority of people can be pretty sucky sometimes.

    Life can be very shallow out there, and for those of us who are deep thinkers, or maybe we've got some heavy stuff to deal with so that later we can do what it is we're here for- helping kids in need, or saving the whales or writing the next pop song thats gona inspire our young girls to be strong and resilient, whatever- then it can be hard.

    Hang in there, count your personal strengths and joys, and do something nice for yourself everyday, at least. You deserve it. Big hugs,

    Jstar

    3 people found this helpful
  25. Matchy69
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    23 November 2020

    Hi Tayla I am so sorry you have found helplines not very helpful and some people rude.I got hung up on by lifeline once.I was crying to much and she just hung up on me.I never ring a helpline again.It just made me worst.Their are probably good ones out there and caring workers but after having some bad experiences I won't bother again.I know what it is like being alone and having no friends.I can never make friends and know I never will noe.You are a genuine nice caring person and can hold your head high.

    Tale care,

    Mark.

    3 people found this helpful
  26. mb20lover
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    23 November 2020

    Hi all. Sorry if I worried anyone and for my late replies.

    Sleepy21 - I'm sorry you've had bad experiences too. I usually just end the webchat. Thank you for the kind words. I unfortunately have no choice but to keep seeking help even though I keep getting rejected. My GP & Psychiatrist keep nagging me to get a Psychologist but they, especially my Psychiatrist as he's in Sydney, don't understand how hard it is in a small country town, even with bigger towns nearby. Ugh.

    Jstar49 - hello, nice to see you here and thanks for popping in on my thread. Yeah I have no friends at all, I even struggle to make friends online, which is one reason I wanted to join mental health forums. I'm sorry you feel the same and struggle with that also. People act like it's so easy to make friends and that everyone will be your friend but unfortunately that's not true. Big hugs back.

    Mark - thank you, and wow I'm sorry to hear that Lifeline hung up on you. I haven't had a problem with them personally. I'm sorry you struggle finding and making friends too. You're a genuine, nice, caring person also, as are the rest of you here.

    Big hugs to everyone.

    - Tayla

    1 person found this helpful
  27. Jstar49
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    43 posts
    23 November 2020 in reply to mb20lover

    Hi Tayla,

    It's sad to hear you say you have no friends, none at all. And I don't know you at all, so I can't dispute it, but maybe you have friends, somewhere, but they're busy a lot? And so it feels like you don't have any friends. Or maybe you're a bit shy and feel uncomfortable talking to people, so you think they don't like you? I don't know, but I know I've been in places where I felt like I had no friends, and then all of a sudden I had so many friends that I had no time for myself, and then it changed back again. Now I have a couple of friends, and other people who are something different- not friends, not enemies, more like, people I share the planet with. Sometimes when I am at home working on a project for a while, like in school holiday, I kinda forget how to talk to people, which is a bit alarming. It's easy to get rusty. Its good to have somewhere you can just talk to people, like this forum, or maybe a gardening group, just to keep the social skills polished up.

    What do you like doing? When you were well, what did you like to do?

    I have a friend whom I see once a year. Once, we went for 5 years without talking, and then when we saw each other again, we picked up where we had left off. It's an amazing friendship and I feel blessed to have it. We met when I was 24.

    It sounds like you have friends here who care about you.

    Big hugs

    J*

    2 people found this helpful
  28. mb20lover
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    24 November 2020 in reply to Jstar49

    Hey Jstar.

    No I really don't have any friends, but thank you. I seem to have lost interest in everything unfortunately. That's good that you have a nice friend.

    - Tayla

  29. Jstar49
    Jstar49 avatar
    43 posts
    24 November 2020 in reply to mb20lover

    Hi Tayla,

    It sounds like you're having a really hard time atm.

    Would you like to talk about it?

    Big hugs

    J*

    1 person found this helpful
  30. mb20lover
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    24 November 2020 in reply to Jstar49

    Hey again Jstar. Yeah I am.

    My Psychiatrist & GP keep nagging me to get a Psychologist, I keep explaining to them how hard it is and that I've tried everything, even before COVID - in person, Telehealth (I see my Psychiatrist through Telehealth, even tried some of the Psychologists on that website too), Headspace, and so forth. They don't bulk bill, take new patients, etc. They just keep telling me to try and they're not understanding. I feel like I'm just repeating myself, and they, especially my Psychiatrist as he's from Sydney, don't understand. I know they're trying to help but I wish they would put themselves in my shoes so to speak. I live in a small country town and even in the bigger towns locally, there's no help.

    I just feel like I waste my GPs time so I cancel a lot of my appointments, sometimes I want to cancel my Psychiatrist appointments too. I don't know what to do.

    I have insomnia which is annoying, and PTSD and flashbacks. I did a Mindspot course and asked many times if I could do their PTSD one but the lady constantly kept arguing with me saying I don't have PTSD and was faking it just for attention, when its actually one of my diagnoseses and I have heaps of evidence.

    I feel discriminated

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