There used to be a time when I felt as you do now. It went on for a very long time. I desperately wanted to get better, feel better, but I hated myself too. Time, medication, counselling & ECT worked all in its own slow time. I’m still not in love with myself but I am happier & healthier. I used to have frequent relapses & each time I would forget that I’d get better, until someone reminded me. Now the relapses are more brief & not nearly so bad, black & awful. And I know I’ll eventually feel better.
The important thing is that there is hope. When life is so black & painful just concentrate on making it through the next few minutes. Then the next. I know you don’t want to hear it but you will get better. A lot of us here have been where you are now, sometimes we still are, but there is always hope. Hang on!
With kind thoughts, Topsy.