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Forums / Depression / Husband left home, suspect it’s depression

Topic: Husband left home, suspect it’s depression

4 posts, 0 answered
  1. teamwork
    teamwork avatar
    2 posts
    16 May 2022

    Hi all,

    I have spent the last few months reading various threads and have got so much information and feel a bit more relieved to know that I am not alone in this.. thanks to the supportive people in advance.
    Here’s my reason for being here.
    My husband of 14 years has left home 4 months ago saying he has no feelings for me anymore. Prior to this I noticed him slowly withdrawing from social gatherings, staying at work late, always saying he is tired, and spending a lot of time on his own. His alcohol intake has increased as well. I have encouraged him to see his GP to express his feelings. He does not want help because he is in complete denial that there’s anything wrong with him. I just don’t understand how someone so loving, caring can suddenly lose feelings for me and say he doesn’t love me. He has moved out of home to his parents home.
    we have 3 kids who miss him very much. I am trying my best to hold the fort but I’m struggling to come to terms with this change.
    mum starting to wonder if it is really the depression that is making him feel this way or is it just that he has genuinely fallen out of love with me?
    I have asked him about his lack of feelings, specifically 'Does he feel like he’s lost his ability to love? Does it feel like he can't love me, that he can't love himself and he can't love life?' And he’s said yes to all three questions. But still denies that he doesn’t have a mental health issue.
    I am losing all hope. The more questions I ask I feel like I was a failure as a wife. I often ask myself why am I not good enough or worthy enough for someone to fight for me? I know deep down that none of this is on me, but most of my thoughts sway to feeling hopeless and unworthy. I want to help my husband so much but he completely shuts me out. Any conversation I have with him ends with him partly blaming me for the breakdown of our relationship.
    Should I hold on to hope that things will turn around? Will the stubbornness ever break so he can see he needs to focus on his mental health.

  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6832 posts
    17 May 2022 in reply to teamwork
    Dear LR12
      Firstly, welcome to the forums we are so glad that you found your way to this supportive and welcoming community.
      We’d like to acknowledge the strength it took to reach out and share what is happening for you. We can hear that you’re going through a really difficult time, and we want you to know that we’re here for you.
      It’s completely understandable that you’re struggling to come to terms with all that is happening. The loss of a relationship as we know it can feel overwhelming, especially while trying to support children through this change.
      We can hear that you’re a caring and loving person, doing your best to support your husband, but it's also important to care for yourself. We can hear that you’re questioning your self-worth, and we’d like to remind you that you're not defined by what is happening for your husband.
      It can make a real difference having someone to talk to, so we’d like to invite you to call our wonderful counsellors on 1300 22 4636, or jump onto a webchat here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/  Our counsellors are available 24/7 to provide care and support.
      Thank you again for being part of this very supportive community.  
      Warm regards   Sophie M
  3. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    16466 posts
    17 May 2022 in reply to teamwork

    Hello LR, it's always difficult to try and understand why a spouse/partner seems to fall out of love with you when you are together, but if they are suffering from any type of depression, it's virtually impossible for anyone to express their love to you, as well as when you tell them that you love them, it doesn't register, just as saying that they should see their doctor, denying there is nothing wrong.

    People who suffer from this can make comments that aren't necessarily valid, but the illness does this, so for him to answer those three questions, shouldn't be taken for granted at the moment.

    I realise you have read various different threads, which is really good,but for your own purposes it would be good to talk with your doctor who can offer you a mental health plan, which entitles you to 10 Medicare paid sessions to talk with a psych.

    This may benefit you in many ways, understanding how your husband is thinking and then ideas of how you can approach this, but talk about what ever concerns you, that's important foryou and the kids.

    Your kids can ring Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800 by phone, web chat or online who can talk to them about their concerns and then give them ideas of how to make them know what is actually happening.

    Please let us know.

    Geoff.

  4. teamwork
    teamwork avatar
    2 posts
    17 May 2022 in reply to geoff
    Thank you Geoff.
    I will seek help from my GP for myself because your right I need to know how to navigate through this. It’s heart breaking to see someone you love go through this. He is the most caring person even in the midst of this struggle.
    Every time I try and point to all of this being the depression that’s causing him to feel like this, he gets defensive and thinks I feel there’s something wrong with him. He doesn’t see where I am coming from.
    Can depression make you forget how much one cares about you? Or all the good things about a person? I feel like he’s convinced himself that he needs to seperate from me to be happy. At the same time he thinks I will be better off without him and that I deserve better.

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