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Forums / Depression / I am a borderline

Topic: I am a borderline

7 posts, 0 answered
  1. acute-ava
    acute-ava avatar
    2 posts
    30 December 2018
    I work a very demanding job, and I have spent the last few months counting down the days until my annual leave. I was feeling exhausted and I wanted to have a "stay-cation" at home, complete gardening projects and relax. It has been far from relaxing. I work a demanding job, but it is no-where near as demanding as spending time alone with this brain. I am staving off depression, again, for the umpteenth time. A big part of this has been reflecting on the 'celebratory' period, Christmas, etc. Christmas is supposed to be about connection, and I came face to face with how disconnected I feel. The truth is, many of my relationships are points of escape from being alone. Particularly my romantic relationship, which is often times abusive (I am on the recieving end). But the vile things he says about me are nothing compared to the vile things I say about myself. Although, I have spent the last 6 months dedicating one- two days a week to therapy, I never mention it to anyone. I don't talk about the medication I am on and how it is making me sweat waterfalls in the summer. This mental illess is a big chunk of myself, my personal history, my hopes for the future and it is just absent from my relationships for the most part, because nobody likes a Borderline. We are supposed to be evil, crazy, manipulative, selfish, self-destructive, moody, annoying. I try to suppress the Borderline so much in my relationships, and I would never, ever share the diagnosis, ever. I haven't even shared it with one of my primary doctors. Anyway, so there are multiple parts to this:- I am afraid to be alone. But, not being alone is playing along with a farce, and also tolerating abuse. So, I did not feel the "spirit of Christmas". I felt more alone than ever, because it's getting harder to tell myself that my friends & partner know me and love me, and that these relationships are meaningful and fulfilling. I tell myself these sweet little stories all the time, but they are not the full picture- just like I am not the full picture to most people around me. But, the truth is, I have this illness, and I have a trauma history of sexual abuse. And every day is a battle. I just wanted another human being to hear the truth for once.
  2. Theborderline
    Theborderline avatar
    163 posts
    31 December 2018 in reply to acute-ava

    Welcome, don't let the borderline diagnosis define you as a person.

    It's an illness that's curable

  3. PamelaR
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    PamelaR avatar
    2639 posts
    31 December 2018 in reply to acute-ava

    Hi Acute-ava and welcome to Beyond Blue

    You are sounding very down on yourself Acute-ava. There are many here in the forums who live with Borderline and trauma history of sexual abuse.

    It's unclear from your post what help you are getting, for example, are you seeing a doctor, a health professional (councillor or psychologist), taking medication?

    To help support you more are you able to tell us a little about the things you've been doing to help living with Borderline and your trauma?

    Keep reaching out Acute-ava. You're not alone.

    Kind regards

    PamelaR

  4. MsPurple
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    1577 posts
    31 December 2018 in reply to acute-ava

    Hi acute-ava and welcome to the forums :)

    I personally know how tough it is to deal with mental illness, especially at this time of year. It is good you are seeing a therapist it sounds like you are burrying some stuff, even from yourself. It maybe a good idea to try and open up to your therapist. I struggle with this too, but it may help.

    Everyone fears being alone. Heck as I am typing this I am scared I'll never get married and be alone. But I realise I am more scared about being sad and unhappy most of my lfie. So I decided to try be more open so I can find true happiness in myself. It is tough but I am still trying. It is ok if you don't want to share your diagnosis with everyone, it is your business not others. I have shared mine with close friends, not everyone.

    I think mental illness can be a part of you but it doesn't define you. Plus it may not be life long illness as Theborderline said.

  5. PamelaR
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    2639 posts
    31 December 2018 in reply to PamelaR

    Sorry Acute Ava - I have just re-read your post and see you have been in therapy.

    I agree with Ms Purple, everyone does fear being alone. Sometimes though I fear being with people, though I try hard too to be with people. I'm not that open and only share my life with people I want to or I feel comfortable with.

    Christmas is an incredibly hard time of year. It's not always as happy as everyone tries to make out it is. For me, I'll be thankful it's almost over. I can get on with my life again.

    Kind regards

    PamelaR

  6. quirkywords
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    quirkywords avatar
    5405 posts
    1 January 2019 in reply to acute-ava

    Hi acute ava,

    Sometimes when a label turns into a stereotype like with the negative words you mentioned that are associated with BPD , the label is not helpful. I do not see BPD as that at all as I know people with the label that are wonderful caring people and so brave to have struggled against so much trauma.

    When a diagnosis turns into a label then a stereotype that affects how you relate to others that is sad.

    AS the borderline says it does have to define you and it is curable.

    Thanks so much for writing your post .

    Quirky

  7. BumbleBumble
    BumbleBumble avatar
    14 posts
    11 January 2019 in reply to acute-ava

    Hi Acute-ava,

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts, feelings, and concerns.

    It is so true what quirkywords, PamelaR, and MsPurple have said. The label doesn't define who you are. Borderline is a cluster of symptoms sitting on a continuum. The stereotypical borderline label is meaningless when reflecting on the individual...and you are an individual.

    You have such good insight into feelings, thoughts, and behaviours. What you have discussed is treatable/curable. If you feel ready exploring these with a clinical psychologist would be really helpful.

    Thank you again for sharing and take care

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