Welcome to the Beyond Blue Community and thank you for your open and honest post. It sounds like this conflict within yourself around your sexual identity has been torturous to manage, and you are feeling like you are in a dark place because of it.
Do you have any supports such as a psychologist or a GP that you have been able to speak to about your feelings?
Is there anyone that you trust that you are able to open up to about this?
A good place to start, maybe speaking someone who has also had to have their own journey about their sexuality. We would recommend speaking to our friends at Qlife (https://qlife.org.au/), they are a peer support warmline for the LGBT community. They are available on 1800 184 527 from 3PM to Midnight everyday.
If you would like to talk to someone separately we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport
One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.
We also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.