Today is an awful day; I don't feel good. I feel sad, alone, lost and that no one understands me. The rational part of my brain knows that is not true, but that doesn't take away my feelings. So today, like so many, I am going through the motions and just functioning. I have been strong enough to get out of bed, make myself presentable, put on my metaphorical mask and arrived at work.
I have been surfing my depression/anxiety wave for most of my adult life; I am 48, and I have always refused medication. Pre-Covid, I really thought I was finally getting it together. At age 38, I made many lifestyle changes and began my journey as a yoga and pilates teacher. In August 2019, I was making inquiries and buying equipment to open my own studio. Thankfully I had not resigned from my day job, which I have maintained throughout the pandemic, but not only was the dream of opening a studio squashed, I stopped teaching. Initially, I did this to help my fellow yogi's where teaching was their only source of income, and I still had my day job, but then time just went by, and now we are nearly 2-yrs on and I feel that the dream I had is no longer. I know a couple of small studio owners that needed to close their businesses and I don't ever want to be one of them.
This, I believe, is the main reason I now feel so lost and sad; I don't know where to go from here. I have all of the training and tools and use everything I know and more, but nothing seems to work anymore. I have spoken to my doctor, and I will ring him again today, but before I do I wanted advice and thoughts on medication; the for and against. The other thing I need to be mindful of is my age, I am at that point where I am peri-menopausal, so it is hard to distinguish if my feelings are due to hormones or my 30 plus years of depression, or is it all mixed up together.
Thank you for your thoughts x