lt's a creativeness thing actually.

l've always been extremely creative , l was also an artist for a long time. But yeah , l've had enough of creating all these side jobs and work for myself haha , let me tell ya.

Even furniture around the house, l've built half of it, l just mean , like there's no need, especially if your time short. There's lovely stuff out there and anything you can think of l could make my life so much easier and probably nicer , if l just stopped it haha.

rx

Hi rx,

Ummm- good question. Why did I end up in hospital? I was so focussed on fixing everybody's problems, feeling like I was responsible for everything and everyone (work and home), needing to be seen as the person that everyone could rely on that I broke. It's the only way to describe it - I hardly slept, I worked and studied excessively, and I didn't listen to anyone when they told me that I need a break/put up boundaries/say no. The internal guilt I felt just ate me alive. And before I knew it - I was having sever panic attacks that became dissociation that then became my brain turning off. I stopped being able to read/write/comprehend things. It was so frightening.

I've only just recently learned from my new psychiatrist that I am suffering brain trauma associated with constant stress.

It sucks, but I'm also, in a way, glad it happened. Because if it didn't, I'd still be living the same way, and it's not healthy. It's like our culture glamorises over-productivity - like that's more important than finding things that make you happy and fulfil you. It wasn't until I was in hospital and the psychiatrist said to me "do you like your job?" and "do you like the Masters your doing?" - like I automatically thought "yes", but then I just realised that I'd learned to be good at them, but being away from them I didn't miss them and the more I sat with it, I realised I hated getting up in the morning and doing those things. And it's hard when your entire life has been based on this "ideal" that you think you want - but it's not, it's just what you've been expected to do and it's a story you've told yourself for so long.

So, I went back to the drawing board and went "what makes me happy?". It took me ages to figure any of it out. I had lost myself in saying "yes" all the time.

You sound like you love being creative though - maybe it's just about limiting the number of things you renovate/update? Like I always have too many books by the bed, so I'm not allowed to buy more until I finish them and put them on the "it's been read" bookshelf. Could you try something like that?

Maybe it's about questioning why you are doing something before you do it - like "am I doing this to feel productive" or "am I doing this because it's going to bring me joy?"

Not sure I've been of any help, but it's been lovely speaking with you. You'll find your way through. We all just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, even when we don't want to.

G x

Hi G.

l hope you didn't upset yourself talking about all that , but thanks for explaining.

Me nah , l couldn't care less about being productive , maybe l'm lucky eh haha. Well except for work but that's only bc l sort of do enjoy it too but also good old money, gotta have the stuff right. But l just get ideas the creative side is a real pain in the backside and then l just can't wait to try it or make it or change it or cut it in two or whatever the case may be. And l do get a kick out of it , and a kick out of what shouldn't be done or what others would never do haha, all kinds of reasons for whatever the case may be at the time . Crazy really but it often very rewarding too the end result.

But yeah l'm realizing lately l need to slow them down , get done what's waiting on me now and then, well then , maybe one at a time and "JUST", now and then. There's a target for me eh. l'll have to tie my hands up l think.

l;m sorry you fell into the yes person and brainwashing of productivity, you do see and feel that a lot in these times for sure and the mentality is pushed in Australia . Luckily for me l've never suffered any mainstream pressures what so ever, always been my own show my way and rebellious toward it, just done my thing. l have known people and see it though, it's everywhere these days. l'm glad you found your way off that thing though, no good , just no good at all.

So of course never been the yes person thing either, l don't answer to anyone except gf now haha, or ex when l was married. l work for myself have all my life and l set it up in a way that l don't have much pressure, or answer to customers, they come at the end, when l'm done.

That question is so so important though, l've ignored it myself too for long stints, yrs sometimes. lt's actually one of the things that's brought on where l'm at with all this stuff l put myself in for, it's not making me happy or giving me a kick any more.lt use to and a lot of satisfaction , but not lately.

All the best anyway eh , and l hope you find yourself a new way to live and exist that makes you happy.

rx

Just in saying some of that though like answering to no one , calling your own shots, life itself can still become the trap though and thing to answer to, and yourself.

Have you found that? life can be such a trap , things you want or want to do, bills and mortgages , coping . This is where l'm at at the moment and this last few yrs. l want to minimize right right down ,life, housing, things to do, all of it, but once again l'm loaded up with all these big things l'll need to do first to get to that. Renovate and sell , rebuy rebuild , finish jobs at work to pay for it, finish all the things l have going on to get the time to finish the bigger stuff, seems to never end, yrs flying .

rx

Happy moment , threw out 2 silly no particular reason projects last wk, it'll make the world of difference. Didn't need either of them no money involved l was only building them with what l'd had around. Felt so nice to just dump them both.

l only really have one left now and l'll do bits and pieces of it at work , it should be out of my hair in a few wks. And thennnn, no damn more.

Couple of wks in a mth or so to finish light stuff on the house and it'll be ready so with projects out of my hair, house ready , l'll have nothing do do finally for a few mths until and if the house sells later on .

My light at the end of the tunnel

rx

Well done. That put a smile on my face!

[lots of clapping from my end]

G

Haaa thanks G.

Just got rid of another one over the wkend , we've been looking for a car for my daughter , my God talk about put up a fight it's taken all my spare mental energy scanning and checking out cars left and right 5wks now. Thank the Gods we've finally found something.

So that's another one down , l have 1 to go, few wks and that should be done .

How are you doin ?

rx

Far out anxiety is hard work.

Imagine if we got paid for stressing.
I’d be making a fortune!

I’ve been really liking my new job - much more than any other job I’ve had. And with some confidence slowly growing, I’ve generally been able to handle stressful situations ok.

But... last week I hit a mental block and the ‘fight or flight’ stress response kicked in again... (for me actually it’s totally just ‘flight’.)

So frustrating! I should be sleeping right now! I’m so nervous for tomorrow.

That's great about the new job , good for you.

Sorry about the flight kicking in , hope the next day went alright and it's settled down again.

Me , l've only done a 1/4 of what l did last yr but different jobs and had most of the first 6mth off . Getting pay back now though and l'll be busy till end of yr damn it , so those feelings have been kicking in again and l'm stressing again.

rx

Hello RX, the trouble with anxiety is that it can be hidden in so many different ways that won't be the same from day to day.

Take care.

Geoff.

Yeah Geoff for sure.

Only today l was thinking that and realizing new things coming out the last few yrs. The trouble is , proving them and going through everything that'd take , to get disability.

l've noticed my Dyslexia getting far worse last few yrs, l can be looking right at things and just not see them all the time lately or numbers at work, measurements or calculations, even tools, all the time it's worse than it's ever been. l also notice it takes very very little to over come me mentally, things l would've easily coped with just a few yrs ago. l've noticed so many things within myself just getting worse and worse lately that it scaring me a bit tbh.

The thing is bc if l have to keep working or l'm forced to, l just don't know hth l'll manage it. Really hoping that some things l have brewing come to tuition bc l have no clue at this rate how l'm going to get by for another 10 yrs if they don't. Grits teeth.

rx

The strangest thing is though, that l've cut back so much this yr. l haven't even had fires so no firewood. Cut back on some other very time and laboring consuming things too and also threw out some nagging side projects, plus l've only worked not even 1/2 the yr. Yet MH issues have gotten worse when l was doing 3x this last yr and before , so obviously l was expecting a huge improvement but they're worse than ever.

Can't work that out.

rx

Hi RX,

Sorry to hear the MH issues have been worse lately. MH challenges can take up a lot of energy - sometimes not leaving much left for the day to day challenges (especially work).

I hope you are doing ok and keep us posted.

take care,

LL

Thanks for that lilly.

rx