I can certainly understand the desire to stay numb and avoid the constant deluge of thoughts, but unfortunately the thoughts don't stay away forever. There are a number of options available to help deal with those feelings, so please don't give in to despair...keep fighting, because you are worth it. I know it doesn't feel like that now, but you can feel better. I and many other people on here are fighting similar battles, so know that you are not alone and that we genuinely do care about you.
Take a leap of faith and talk to your gp about a mental health care plan, if you haven't already. Post on forums and use whatever other support you have available...you might be surprised by how understanding and supportive the people who love you can be. Throw everything you've got at this and never let up. Again, you're worth the effort.