I'm a high school student, currently on break. Prior to break, I wasn't doing to well emotionally, but I was working through it, with my one friend and girlfriend. During the break, I completely plummeted. I couldn't leave my house, could hardly respond to messages and mainly just wallowed in my own filth.
I really tried my hardest, and messaged my gf everyday, but they ended up breaking up with me. They said that they really didn't want to see me at a school, and since I haven't been talking to my other friend much, I figured that they might just go with my ex, leaving me alone.
I'm not really bummed about my ex, I was honestly just keeping with them because I knew the split would tear our friend group apart. They never really tried to understand me, and were condescending about my autism and selective mutism, and several other things.
I find that when being forced to socialise with strangers, I am unable to speak unless I have someone I know with me, mainly due to my autism. Without anyone I can talk to, I'm basically being forced into mutism.
I can cope with being by myself, but knowing that I'll be the last one for every single group project just hurts. Sitting by myself for every class, every lunch break, and when the teacher says to pair up just stings. And I hate it.
I go back to school in two days. And I know that when I show up, I am going to have a complete breakdown, by myself. I just don't want to be lonely, and I push away anyone that cares about me.