I've felt the way I do for years, in fact - I
cannot remember a time in my life where I have been completely happy. I had a
difficult childhood, plagued with the sickness of my mother (cancer), and her
eventual death 2 weeks before my 12th birthday. To sum it up, my childhood was
quite a traumatic time for me, and not something I enjoy looking back on. Since
then, my father has also had health scares (heart attacks), and recently,
doctors have also found cancer. These and other events in my life have affected
me throughout high school, but in the past year have really caught up with me.
I have never talked to anyone properly about my mother’s death, not even my
family. I feel like these feelings have festered inside of me the past 8 years.
I am turning 20 soon, and I no longer have the strength to fight this battle -
I need help and I want to change.
I am finding it so hard to write down exactly
how I am feeling, but I know that the way I feel is not normal. I feel an array
of emotions, from anger to despair, no matter the situation in my life. I have
never been able to talk about my feelings with other people, not even my
family. I have found that my childhood experiences have actually pushed me away
from my immediate family, and I do not feel comfortable sharing my feelings
I am sick of pushing people away in my life,
and feeling as though I ruin everything. I am terrified of judgement, and I am
terrified to actually see my GP or a health professional like I know I should.
What if they tell me I am making a big deal out of nothing? Or that the way I
am feeling is completely normal? I am so scared of people not believing me,
that I would almost rather not say anything at all. Eventually will these
feelings go away?
I have a lot to be grateful for in my life,
like a loving boyfriend, beautiful friends and a university education in my
ideal field. But I still feel so empty. I often lie in bed until 4pm, and I
have found that I no longer get pleasure out of things I used to enjoy. I cry over small things, and spend many a nights alone, crying in bed. I can’t
even go out with my friends and feel happy anymore, I just want to be at home
by myself, where I am free to think and feel. I have an amazing boyfriend who
has never done wrong by me, but I can’t even be a proper, loving girlfriend to
him as I am so unhappy myself. How am I supposed to make a relationship work
100%, when I can’t even be happy by myself? My uni work is suffering, as I no
longer put in the effort or time that I know I should, but I don’t even care. I
think to myself so often, “What is the point?” All the different aspects in my
life make me feel as though I am suffocating, and I can no longer keep this to
myself. I need and want help.
I am supposedly in the prime years of my life, but I can’t
help but feel I am wasting them. I do not want to look back on my life and
realise the opportunities I have missed are a result of me not getting the help
I know I need. I know these feelings are not normal, and I so desperately want
to be happy but I feel so alone that I don’t know where to go from here.