I've tried many times to change my life (at least I think I have), but I feel like I'm at my wits end.
Years ago when I started high school, I met someone who was always on their own. I went to a catholic school so i thought "everyone should have a friend" and that it was the right thing to do, So i went and started talking to him, I tried to encourage him to talk more and he became a member of my small circle of friends.
He eventually started to hate or just didn't want me around - hard to say I blame him, I was talkative and sometimes annoying. But he never told me anything, instead one day when we were playing a game online, he just started insulting me with some of his other online friends and started avoiding me and turned my small circle of friends against me.
I never understood why for several years, mainly because he never told me why. To me it was all so sudden, I tried talking to other people in my year (just as friends - not mentioning anything uncomfortable) - and I noticed sometimes pissed those people off as well - unintentionally, so I tried to be more careful of that.
People were really immature in high school, and I didn't understand why, I thought that was for kids in primary.
But I changed for him, I changed into someone who did not care too much, I went from someone who was really introverted to someone who was extroverted. I let all the insults and jokes that he made to me go and just laughed it off.
What started as my mask to hide my true feelings eventually became my face, I no longer remembered that it was just a mask and not who i was.
Years passed and that friend and I had our ups and downs, but I still thought we were friends. One night I apparently embarrassed him in front of other people (once again unintentionally - I seem to do that a lot). so he started avoiding me again and once again I didn't know why. lost and confused like always.
I was kinda interested in this girl during high school, but knew I had no chance, so me being the crazy outgoing guy I was, came up with the idea to ask her out and get rejected and then not care, I was so emotionally high that I believed I could just walk it off like nothing happened.
But I was wrong, I was hurt. When I woke up the next day I felt like I was detached from reality, that I wasn't actually there with the people around me, but was just watching a movie through my eyes instead of a screen. I tried having normal conversations with the people around me, but it didn't change anything. I didn't know what I was going through.
I was forever changed, I noticed I began to have inner monologue (I started thinking again - LOL - for years I just did things without thinking). I also noticed the crumbling relationships around me.
I tried fixing them, but it soon became apparent that it was too late to fix the damaged relationships that I had ruined. I started to think that if I found the core root of my problem and addressed it, I could escape this confused state. I realized that I....was unable to maintain friendships with anyone, and I had a 100% fail rate. This realization destroyed what little mental strength I had left - and became severely depressed.
That was years ago, that was the start of my 5 yr battle with depression. I eventually got to a point where I was no longer the immature kid I was in high school, I became the person I truly was all those years ago, I became kind and caring, but with the confidence I had in high school, things were looking up, got a job, finished uni.. I even fell in love - or so I thought...
With the realization that it was a one sided relationship, I was hurt, but accepted it. However I began looking at my life again and saw nothing in it worth living for. No one I cared about, No one I thought cared about me, I felt so utterly alone and lost.
after 3 months of agonizing pain, emotionally and from my heart break, I could not stand it anymore and tried to kill myself.
Unfortunately I survived, and things have gone from bad to worse, friends can no longer deal with me. my best friend told me straight not to contact him anymore, I felt even more alone.
Now, I know I need to make new friends, I need to be more active etc, but I lack the strength? direction to do anything...all i do is stay at home alone, suffering from my own inability to do anything.
I've become so pathetic, but it's hard to keep trying when every friend you've ever known has abandoned you in one way or another. my circle of trust just gets smaller and smaller, making it all harder and harder.
I do see psychs/take meds but it's all just stale.
I...guess this is my way of making a first step in changing, I lack the strength to face people yet, but I want to get involved in more social groups, some community thing anything. I can't keep going on like this. But am so weak I don't have the strength or direction.
So tell me what can I do......I can't seem to find things on my own..