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Forums / Grief and loss / 2 losses in 1 month and trying to pull myself together

Topic: 2 losses in 1 month and trying to pull myself together

6 posts, 0 answered
  1. Kiten
    Kiten avatar
    6 posts
    5 November 2015

    At the start of October I lost my uncle. He and I were very close until this year and while I mourned his death I think I was coping ok. I know this was partly because I had so much to do following his death but also because my best friend was there to support me even though he was on the other side of the world. 

    2 days after I buried my uncle, my best friend disappeared. This was someone I spoke to online or via phone calls multiple times a day, after a week of worry his son called me to let me know he had passed away from a heart attack (just 48) the day he disappeared from my life.

    with the news of his death I have literally fallen apart and hiss loss hurts so much more then that of my uncles. I feel guilty that this has hurt me more and I find myself even after 3 weeks not being able to cope. 

    I loved my friend and now find that without ever realising it he infiltrated a lot of my life. Certain times of the day are hard now, for example- we always talked at 8:30pm every night before he went to work. And I find myself reaching for my phone at these times without thinking or expecting the phone to ring. I get angry at myself doing this and often just curl up and cry.

    im trying so hard to distract myself during these times and I am failing miserably

    my partner is worried, he thinks I was unable to get closure by not going to the funeral and worried that since my bestfriend was my go to person for most things that I don't have the support I need to get through this. (He feels he isn't enough).

    I know eventually I'm going to be ok. But now im not only trying to remind myself not to expect the phone to ring etc and break the habits I've spent 15 years doing with my bestfriend but I'm trying to force myself back together to ease the burden this is placing on my partner. 

    I suppose I'm looking for advice not just with coping mechanisms but of ways I can better deal (work through?) this loss without my usual support, instead of burdening just 1 person with everything

  2. geoff
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    geoff avatar
    15590 posts
    6 November 2015 in reply to Kiten

    dear Kiten, firstly can I say that your comment had been pushed over to page 2 because of the number of other replies, so I'm sorry that you haven't had any replies.

    I just want to offer my most sincere condolences for losing your best friend and also your uncle.

    We can't judge the passing or the sadness of losing a friend compared to the lose of a relative, because our relationship with both means that we have a better understanding and knowledge of what relationship we have with them, and because you had a 15 year communication with him everyday, then it's certainly going to grieve you the most.

    Yes maybe you will eventually be OK, but this doesn't stop the feeling from your loss that has affected you, and we don't know how long this will take, because it differs from person to person, especially on memorable occasions.

    Well there are ways to overcome this feeling, either by doing it in a forceful way, or by doing it slowly, and probably the latter is the way to go, because if you do it forcefully, then there is a good chance that you will finally reject it and then lead you into 'the black hole'.

    I also worry about you, because I feel that now you will need to go and see your doctor and then see a psychologist, and to emphasize the point is because your friend isn't there to talk to, that your sadness could lead onto darker waters, I hope not, but would love to hear back from you. Geoff. x

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Ellie05
    Ellie05 avatar
    178 posts
    6 November 2015 in reply to Kiten

    Hi Kiten,

    I'm sorry to hear about the losses of you Uncle and your best friend. Very few things come close to the pain of losing the ones we love.

    From your post I get the impression that you are putting too much pressure on yourself to recover. It's important to be kind to ourselves in these situations and let ourselves feel what we need to feel. 

    You said that your partner feels as if he isn't enough but that he is also your one source of support. Perhaps you could get him a card or a small gift to let him know how much you appreciate his support? It's 100% okay to lean on your partner in difficult times but you might also benefit from seeing a grief counsellor. Perhaps you should make an appointment with you GP and get a referral? 

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Kiten
    Kiten avatar
    6 posts
    9 November 2015 in reply to geoff


     I apologise for not replying sooner. The day after I posted I went out to collect my mail and found a Christmas card from my friend and a letter. It was both a happy thing and a terrible thing all at once and it put me in a bad place. It was post marked the day he died and was so full of hope and happiness for the year ahead and his excitement at coming to visit.

    I'm trying hard to take this day by day and not bottle it up. I suppose I was and am still shocked at the depth of grief I feel at his passing, I had lost people prior to this but never felt this way before.

    I am going to take what you said on board and maybe at least look at going to see a grief councillor. It's not something I'm exactly comfortable doing but the honest truth is what I'm doing now is probably not what's best for me. I know my partner is becoming increasingly worried and I don't want to fall down "the black hole".

    I really appreciated the reply, thank you 

  5. Kiten
    Kiten avatar
    6 posts
    9 November 2015 in reply to Ellie05


     Thank you for replying ...I am sorry for not replying sooner but as stated above I was not in a good place the last few days.

    I'm trying hard not to pressure myself but try and find some way to cope. If that makes sense? My partner and I work opposite shifts and my friend was there in my alone times, so now without him I find myself maybe a little bit lost? 

    I have and continue to let my partner how much I really appreciate his support and comfort. I learned that he was just worried that I'd gone from having 2 people in my life I relied on to just 1. And that he knows it's impossible to fill the void my friend has left behind. I told him I was extremely lucky to have him in my life.

    I am going to consider going to a grief counselor, and thank you for the advice I had not known a GP could give you a referral for one.

  6. Ellie05
    Ellie05 avatar
    178 posts
    11 November 2015 in reply to Kiten

    Hi Kiten,

    No worries - best of luck with your journey to recovery.

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