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Forums / Grief and loss / Being blamed for my partner suicide

Topic: Being blamed for my partner suicide

7 posts, 0 answered
  1. Scaredofmyfuture
    Scaredofmyfuture  avatar
    1 posts
    28 May 2018

    Hi All, I am new here and really don’t know where else to turn too for help, answers or support because no around me knows what to say or do.

    My fiancé took his own life and has left a massive hole in me and our childrens lives. I don’t know I can go on any longer the pain I feel is like no other I have ever felt, I can hardly look at my children anymore I feel so empty inside and hearts broken for not only myself but my kids as well. I blame myself for what has happened, I feel like I should have done more to help him, I keep having all these ‘what if’ rolling in my head every second of every day and my gilt overwhelms me that I can’t even think straight or remember things.

    And on top of all this I’m putting onto myself his parents are blaming me as well, they are confirming everything that’s going inside my head and saying it was my fault this has happened. That our relationship was to blam and I drove him to do this to himself. I can’t even begin to explain how this is effecting me mentally, it’s making all my dark thoughts feel so true. It’s making me feel like I no longer what to be in this world, the pain I feel is to great to even get over. I don’t know what to do anymore, I feel hopeless.

    I’m not sure what I’m looking for on here but maybe deep down I just don’t want to feel alone, that someone out there knows how I’m feeling? I want to make it through this but don’t know I can.

  2. Croix
    Community Champion
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    Croix avatar
    10544 posts
    29 May 2018 in reply to Scaredofmyfuture

    Dear Scaredofmyfuture ~

    You are not alone. I'm very sorry your fiancé took his life. Trying to come to terms with this is one of the hardest things in life to ever have to do. In a lot of ways harder than the death of a loved though other circumstances.

    I'm sure you must know that grief is only part of it - though that is terrible enough. Feelings of guilt "the what if's" you describe always follow on. It is so hard to see the truth of the matter, which is simply you are not to blame. One person cannot keep another alive, it does not work that way. It is a team effort, the medical personnel, the loved ones and the person themselves all have to play their part.

    His parents sound beastly. Uncaring and vindictive. Blaming you is simply a way of salving their own consciences and seeking a scapegoat. Please try to see them for the little people they are. If they were half way human they would be doing everything they could to support you and the kids.

    You sound a very loving person, you must be to have such a hole in your heart. That love does not stop with the death. Unfortunately there is no quick fix. When my partner died under different circumstances I don't realy know how I survived. I do know having to be strong for another can help, as can burying yourself in day to day tasks. I had the good fortune of being able to go to work.

    Trying to handle all this by yourself and look after your children is too much to try alone. May I suggest you seek grief counseling from a professional plus if possible the comfort of a support group of people who have faced similar circumstances. If you ring our 24/7 help line (1300 22 4636) they will hopefully be able to say what is available in your area.

    Loneliness, responsibility, grief, a different life all take so much out of one. Do you have anyone to help? Perhaps a family member or good friend you can talk with and share? It realy does lighten the burden a little. I endlessly cried out and talked and talked, basically always the same thing.

    You are not alone, we do understand and care and will be here whenever you would like

    Croix

    2 people found this helpful
  3. Birdy77
    Valued Contributor
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    Birdy77 avatar
    2299 posts
    29 May 2018 in reply to Scaredofmyfuture

    Dear Scaredofmyfuture,

    I know that saying that I am so sorry for your fiance taking his life is so completely inadequate, but I am so, so deeply sorry. As Croix so eloquently has said, it is one of the hardest things to ever have to bear in this life, and you are doing it with ugly sentiments and words from others, making everything a hundred times harder.

    I can't say anything that Croix has not already said perfectly ... but please know, it was never ever ever your fault.

    I am in NSW and when I was left behind after a suicide a few years ago, I had the Support After Suicide Team to call on, or email at any time, they are part of the Coroner's/Forensic Pathology department on my State - have you been offered similar support? They specialise in grief counselling for those left behind after suicide, and they are wonderful. Again, as Croix said, the gentle people on the phones at beyondblue would be able to help you find such services.

    You are not alone. We will be here to listen and support you and we care for you and empathise with you and have an understanding of the plunging depths of your pain.

    Sending you much care and loving thoughts.

    🌻birdy

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Bridge22
    Bridge22 avatar
    1 posts
    14 June 2018 in reply to Scaredofmyfuture

    Hi scaredofmyfuture,

    Im scared of my future too. I dont even know how to be here anymore or who I want to be. My partner I was trying to separate with did the same and left behind two little boys...it is the hardest thing I think I am ever going to go thouugh in this life (this is the optimistic side of me speaking too) Ive really never ever felt so helpless and hopeless in my whole life and I definitely dont know how to keep enduring what feels to be this never ending pain and depression. I just love and miss him so much and I havent heard a word from his family and have no support from mine, so it really is a living nightmare. I hope youre okay as much as you can be. We have to somehow just keep pushing and hopefully get to the end of this because theres got to be something worth it.

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    10544 posts
    14 June 2018 in reply to Bridge22

    Dear Bridge22~

    I'm glad you came here, being alone when you are so hurting is only going to make it worse as it leaves you free to concentrate on all the grief at a time when you need more.

    I'm sure you will have read this thread, and Birdy's and my responses, so I'll not repeat everything again. I will just say that a professional organization dealing with those in your situation -and a support group - can both bring a little comfort.

    It does get better - though so terribly slowly. You will find yourself smiling at something for a moment - and be surprised you can still smile. There will be a time when you are not so frightened to look back on the good you shared in your life with your partner.

    The only reason I've the courage to post to you and Scaredofmyfuture is because in a long life I've known the death of those close to me, a wife for one. This lets me remember the worst of grief and what happened after as life progressed.

    You have a kind and caring nature (the last line or so of your post shows that) so it must be hard to understand why neither his family nor yours is supporting and caring for you

    It is possible that they have been ill equipped by life and cannot see beyond their own grief, not feeling they have anything they can offer, I don't know.

    You are always welcome here

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Maya-D
    Maya-D avatar
    18 posts
    19 June 2018
    Hi to all,

    Very upsetting to read all this, in particular to read how a family could treat someone who just lost a loved one (for whatever reason), they dont know how it is to be that person who was the closest to them and to see them leave. No one will ever understand those feelings and emotions to get how it is to say bye to someone you were with for as a partner.

    My partner ended his own life too, not only that effected me sooo deep to have lost someone I was with I was also on the phone when it happened and I have never felt so hopeless. All I wanted was to help him. Its hands down the worst feeling a person could experience. I know how you feel deep down, I cant imagine how hard would it be around your kids when you feel this way. I admire you for reaching out, for being here to open up to others, to seek for support. You are not alone, I know how it feels to go through this, specially what you were saying about your family. His family were telling me it was my fault and I was the one to blame. That was when my brain started going backwards I started to believe so much of that, that maybe I could have done more BUT its not true, we are only human we have our own mind and life and in this case you have your kids as well to look after and to be there for. Remember, it wasnt you and it will never be you who was the one to blame on. That was a choice he made on his own. We are not the ones to blame. In fact we are the stronger one for hearing all that and still trying. Still here and seeking for help and support.

    Sending you so much love and hugs, I know your pain and I will go through it with you just to show you there are people who care, love and understand what you are going through. You are strong and you are a role model for your kids. Stay with it, let it sink, let all the thoughts and emotions sink in you, accept this happened in real life and that you did everything you could have.

    Love,

    Maya
    2 people found this helpful
  7. chrissy1
    chrissy1 avatar
    172 posts
    19 June 2018 in reply to Maya-D

    Hello to you all

    im going to try and explain how it is when a person wants to suicide. I hope it makes sense. When I tried a couple of years ago, I couldn’t feel I couldn’t cry all I saw was no end. I was so numb, u loose all perspective. I have a beautiful daughter and two grandkids, I couldn’t see or feel them I had one idea and had to leave as I couldn’t stand the pain. I was not thinking of anything just go. What I’m trying to say is that if I was in my right mind no one would do this, but the pain is so great, one doesn’t think of anyone else, all u see is relief. So please don’t blame ur selves. It has nothing to,do with you or anyone, we just want out, and yes it’s scary. I’m hoping it makes sense to you. That’s how it was for me, no one understands. It’s like tunnel vision, no way back one goal only to leave this planet.

    Please ask me any questions if I can help, I do hope this makes sense, please don’t blame ur selves. The pain overrides everything, even ur family totally numb.

    take care💕💕

    chrissy1

    2 people found this helpful

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