Hi to all,
Very upsetting to read all this, in particular to read how a family could treat someone who just lost a loved one (for whatever reason), they dont know how it is to be that person who was the closest to them and to see them leave. No one will ever understand those feelings and emotions to get how it is to say bye to someone you were with for as a partner.
My partner ended his own life too, not only that effected me sooo deep to have lost someone I was with I was also on the phone when it happened and I have never felt so hopeless. All I wanted was to help him. Its hands down the worst feeling a person could experience. I know how you feel deep down, I cant imagine how hard would it be around your kids when you feel this way. I admire you for reaching out, for being here to open up to others, to seek for support. You are not alone, I know how it feels to go through this, specially what you were saying about your family. His family were telling me it was my fault and I was the one to blame. That was when my brain started going backwards I started to believe so much of that, that maybe I could have done more BUT its not true, we are only human we have our own mind and life and in this case you have your kids as well to look after and to be there for. Remember, it wasnt you and it will never be you who was the one to blame on. That was a choice he made on his own. We are not the ones to blame. In fact we are the stronger one for hearing all that and still trying. Still here and seeking for help and support.
Sending you so much love and hugs, I know your pain and I will go through it with you just to show you there are people who care, love and understand what you are going through. You are strong and you are a role model for your kids. Stay with it, let it sink, let all the thoughts and emotions sink in you, accept this happened in real life and that you did everything you could have.