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Forums / Grief and loss / Coping with death

Topic: Coping with death

7 posts, 0 answered
  1. Suzie66
    Suzie66 avatar
    1 posts
    9 July 2018
    Hello, I’m new to the forum and needing some advice. My ex husband that I was with for 33 years, drowned in a tragic boat accident 5 months ago and I am feeling very low, I haven’t been back to work since due to anxiety, and just tired all the time, I am not getting up till midday which I hate, but I am just so tired, I feel the more time that is passing, the worse I am feeling
    1 person found this helpful
  2. Jigsaw9
    Jigsaw9 avatar
    50 posts
    9 July 2018 in reply to Suzie66

    Suzie

    Sorry to hear about the tragic loss of your ex husband. 33 years is a long time to be with someone and i'm sure the 2 of you made many beautiful memories together.

    Stating the obvious, death is not something that is reversible. No amount of grief will bring somebody back to life. We need to accept the deaths of people that matter to us and use it to motivate ourself to do bigger and better things in the life we have left.

    I also think you need to get counselling to help you cope with the grief. I would imagine it is quite painful having to deal with it all. In saying that though, as they say, 'time heals all wounds'... % months is relatively recent and try to hang in there for a little longer. Things will get better i promise you.

    2 people found this helpful
  3. PamelaR
    Champion Alumni
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    PamelaR avatar
    2740 posts
    10 July 2018 in reply to Suzie66

    Hello Suzie and welcome to Beyond Blue forums

    Jigsaw's response is very caring and supportive. There's not much more i can add. I am very sorry for the loss of your loved one.

    I can't even begin to imagine how you would feel after losing your hubby in the way you describe. I know I would feel very overwhelmed because it would be completely unexpected and the waiting to hear anything, so dreadful. There is a lot there to deal with Suzie.

    Who do you have to talk to about how you are feeling? For example close family members, trusted friends? Talking is a good way to help move through the pain you are feeling at the moment.

    I'm not a health professional, I can only give you something from my own experience. When I've gone through trauma, the after affects are very debilitating. Tiredness, isolation, withdrawing from my network - are all symptoms I've experienced. The good thing though, it does improve. Time, healing, understanding from those around you all help to move on.

    As Jigsaw said, please keep reaching out when you want to. You're not alone.

    Kind regards

    PamelaR

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Jigsaw9
    Jigsaw9 avatar
    50 posts
    11 July 2018 in reply to PamelaR

    Suzie

    Hope you're holding up ok. Don't be afraid to ask questions or vent whenever you need to.

    1 person found this helpful
  5. White Rose
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    11 July 2018 in reply to Suzie66

    Dear Suzie

    Hello and welcome to the forum. It is hard to learn of the death of someone you love no matter that you separated a while ago. Please accept my condolences for your loss.

    Grief is a funny thing and seems to go away then come back when least expected. Although you are finding it harder each day to manage your sadness there will come a day when you notice you are not hurting as much. At the moment this means little to you because of the really horrible pain. Just keep this in mind.

    Do you have someone to talk to? I don't mean a psychologist etc but a friend or family member. Are there any children from the marriage? Perhaps you can talk to them if they are old enough. If I have put my foot in it please excuse me. I am looking at the things that have helped me when someone has passed away, my parents and sister. Also in many ways, my separation from my husband.

    It helps to talk about your husband and remember the good times you enjoyed. So many people try to push down these memories thinking they will make everything worse. And yes it can be a little hurtful sometimes. On the whole though remembering, laughing at the silly things that happened, looking at the things you did together can be a great help. It will not bring him back but but is a good way to start letting go of your pain. A friend of mine said she was told when her son was killed in an accident, "You will never forget, but the times between remembering will get longer". I think this was very beautiful, reassuring and for me very true.

    Again for me, feeling constantly tired and only wanting to sleep was a way of coping. Waking every morning and remembering is so devastating. Apart from talking about your loss can you get some exercise? Apart from the obvious health benefits exercise, exercise releases endorphins into your body which help to make you feel better. Perhaps a walk in the morning instead of staying in bed. I know at times this will seem like climbing Mt Everest but try to do something every day. Join a Tai Chi group in the park, anything that gets you moving.

    How do any of these suggestions feel? Probably a bit useless but I assure you they work. It is part of the reason for your continued tiredness and anxiety. Most dogs like to go for a walk but the black dog (anxiety) wants an easy life and will try anything to keep you miserable.

    It will get better. Please continue to write in.

    Mary

    2 people found this helpful
  6. Jigsaw9
    Jigsaw9 avatar
    50 posts
    12 July 2018 in reply to Suzie66

    Suzie

    Justr checking up on you to see how you are holding up.... Don't feel shy to drop us a line if you feel you need to.

  7. White Rose
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    13 July 2018 in reply to Suzie66

    Hello Susie

    Have we helped you in any way? It would be nice to know you are managing better or that your grief has lessened a little. Please talk to us.

    Mary

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