Thanks for having the courage to reach out. Losing a father or a parent or any important life figure for that matter is devastating. You grieve for the loss of what was and what will never be again. Grieving is normal when you experience a huge loss such as this. You never forget or stop missing them but as time goes on hopefully it will not be all-consuming.
I lost my Dad when I was 19 (8 years ago now) and although it wasn’t sudden (he was sick for 3 years prior), I still remember the raw grief that I felt. I felt as if, how could life ever be good again, how could it ever be the same. And I remember all of a sudden coming to this realisation that everything that he was in my life is now a past memory, and that really made it sink in that I would never see him again, never hear his voice again, etc. I remember feeling so isolated as well thinking that no one understood my pain, and I also felt that people would tiptoe around me as they didn’t know what to say (again compounding feelings of isolation).
”A father lives on in your heart, in your memories, and in the way you see the world”. Although your father is not physically here anymore, he still lives on through everything that you are and because of that his memory will never stop living on.
Back to your story... please don’t feel guilty for putting yourself first by taking time off work. To be at work means you must be fit to work, if you need to look after yourself then you can’t service others... You can’t drive a car on an empty tank. My point is you are completely entitled to take time off work to take care of yourself, and hopefully you have supportive colleagues who understand that you are going through a tough time. It is good that you have taken the step in seeing your doctor. Please be guided by your idea of what feels right, instead of other people’s expectations of what is right. Everybody grieves differently, and everyone has had different life experiences and therefore thinks and behaves differently. No one can say that you’re grieving in the “wrong way” because that’s your individual experience of grief. It can’t be wrong because only you see the world through your eyes and so experience the loss in your own unique way.
Please take care of yourself. Sometimes the only way to get through a tough situation is acknowledging that yeah this situation sucks, and just validating that to yourself. Not trying to change it or make yourself “happier”, just be.