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Forums / Grief and loss / Dealing with grief

Topic: Dealing with grief

2 posts, 0 answered
  1. Unsure19
    Unsure19 avatar
    2 posts
    3 June 2018
    I'm new here but don't really have anyone to talk to. My partner's father died a couple of weeks ago and he is struggling with the grief. I'm trying so hard to be there for him and to help him through this but I keep getting told I don't understand. He's right. I've never lost a parent. I don't understand. I have my own issues with depression and infertility that I'm trying to push aside but if I get upset about anything or he says hurtful things then apparently I'm making it all about me. He's pushing me away when all I want to do is love and support him. I know eventually it might get a bit better but scared I'm going to lose him in the meantime. I've never felt so alone. I self-harmed tonight. I've never done anything like that before and it scares me. I don't expect any miracles but hoping if I can get it off my chest it might make it easier to deal with.
  2. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
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    Croix avatar
    10556 posts
    3 June 2018 in reply to Unsure19

    Dear Unsure19~

    Thank you for coming here, I'm glad you did as what you have to say is very worrying.

    There seem to be a couple of things in your post. You mentioned you had depression, had started to harm yourself, and that you were having fertility problems too. All these together do not place you in a good position to deal with you partner's grief. You sound already at the edge of your coping ability and this simply makes things worse. Sadly your confidence in yourself sounds pretty low.

    When a person becomes aggressive it helps to be in a good position so your reaction is that the person is behaving badly. When anxious or depressed it is often a case of feeling inadequate and blaming yourself instead - you see the difference? Feeling inadequate puts more pressure on and it goes in a circle, you and up trying to cope by hurting yourself.

    May I suggest you get support. If you are already going to a doctor for that depression it is time to get your treatment reviewed in light of the current circumstances. If you are not seeing a doctor now is the time to start.

    In either case please do tell the doctor about the self-harm. It is highly dangerous and needs competent care to guide you to better coping mechanisms. There are established techniques for dealing with it, you need to know them.

    If there is anyone else you can lean on at the moment for support that would be excellent. A family member or friend perhaps? Sharing the problem and feeling less isolated makes a big difference. When I needed support from my partner she had her mum and that helped her no end.

    Now you partner does not sound as if he is doing the right thing. Grief is a very personal thing, and the death of a father a huge thing to deal with. Unfortunately some people lash out as a result, and the easiest people to lash out at are family and partners. It does not make it right. That sort of coping is harmful too, though it is you that is being harmed.

    Have you considered encouraging him to go to grief counseling? Either alone or in company with you.

    Please come here as often as you want, we do care and will be waiting

    Croix

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