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Forums / Grief and loss / Difficult anniversary

Topic: Difficult anniversary

4 posts, 0 answered
  1. Jacaranda72
    Jacaranda72 avatar
    25 posts
    5 September 2018

    Hi all

    this Thursday marks the 10 year anniversary since my Mum died. She was 63 and had melanoma. My family are all in UK. I went home to help nurse her and spent six weeks away all up. Then I had to leave my grieving father and come back to life in Australia to my husband and children. It was like a nightmare. I have not been able to go back since. I can’t face the long haul flights and the emotional toll. I feel like a bad daughter and I have never seen my mother’s grave. Feeling torn up inside.

    1 person found this helpful
  2. startingnew
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    startingnew avatar
    5860 posts
    5 September 2018 in reply to Jacaranda72

    hi Jacaranda

    my deepest condoloences to you and your family. Hugs.

    Does lighting a candle, coooking her favourite meal, or listening to her favourite songs help at all?

    your not a bad daughter at all, it would be very tough for you to go back to the UK when your last memories arent the best.

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Jacaranda72
    Jacaranda72 avatar
    25 posts
    5 September 2018 in reply to startingnew

    Thanks startingnew

    I like your idea of lighting a candle for my Mum. I will do so.

    best wishes

    2 people found this helpful
  4. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    10580 posts
    5 September 2018 in reply to Jacaranda72

    Dear Jacaranda72~

    Welcome here, I think Startingnew has some good ideas. For some reason, I don't know why, it is very easy to be unhappy with what one has done and feel guilty and at fault as a result. Equally it is very difficult to acknowledge the good one has done. I found this when comforting an offspring whose partner had died unexpectedly.

    I felt events were sweeping me along and I was pretty powerless to make things better. It was only later I found how significant my efforts had been.

    I would think that there would have been so many things you said and did whilst nursing your mum that would have made a great difference to her at the time - and in all probability been a comfort to your father too. I'm not sure a longer stay -even a very long one -would change how you felt about yourself. Inability to fix things spills over into self-blame, even when totally inappropriate.

    Anniversaries are a real trap, the only good thing is you know in advance when they are going to occur, so steps can be taken. Is there some favorite or enjoyable activity you can use to occupy your thoughts on the day?

    Croix

    2 people found this helpful

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