dear Amber I had replied on another thread, but I have copied/pasted it
My deepest sympathy to you because there are no answers to the questions you are asking yourself, too many 'why's or what if's' it's just so sad to know that he isn't with you anymore, so you must have so much you want to talk about, the good times, the moments when you both talked about your own problems, and those special moments you consoled each other, these are memories you won't forget about.
It's not a pleasant time for you and I feel so sorry for you, and nobody could ever answer any questions you have asked yourself, and the only solution to getting over this is to make your own conclusion.
I have lost three friends to suicide, all of these I had no idea about how they were thinking, they always pretended to be OK, but deep down they were suffering so badly as I've now learnt, because we were all young and my experience with suicide was nil, I only wish I had known, then I would have asked, researched and done all I could to get them help, that was not to be, which I'm so sorry about, if only I knew.
There must be so much you want to talk about, there will be plenty of tears and rightly so, moments when you want to stop talking but definitely, moments where all you want to do is express how you feel, not only for yourself but also for your brother.
I really hope that you can get back to us and share the pain you are suffering from, I know it's not easy but my heart goes out to you. Geoff. x