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Forums / Grief and loss / Family member who committed suicide

Topic: Family member who committed suicide

13 posts, 0 answered
  1. Amber3
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Amber3 avatar
    2 posts
    9 July 2017
    Hello I'm amber and my brother suicided in June and I'm really struggling with the why's and other thoughts. Is there any other people out there that have had a family member suicide?
  2. Guest_128
    Guest_128 avatar
    2143 posts
    9 July 2017 in reply to Amber3

    Hey Amber, welcome.

    You have come to the right place,there are so many people that will understand everything that is going on with you.

    I am truly sorry about your brother,and I know you will be able to share all your feelings here..

    For me I had my favourite nice take her life at 19, to this day no one has any idea why.

    But this is about you.

    We are here for you and I'm sorry it takes a bit before it gets going.

    Hang about.

    Later

    1 person found this helpful
  3. SubduedBlues
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    SubduedBlues avatar
    841 posts
    9 July 2017 in reply to Amber3

    Hi Amber3

    Found your other post.

    When I found myself in the situation you now find yourself in, I was at a complete loss. It sure would have been helpful had there been a beyondblue back then, but there wasn't. Society figured that since I was not a relative, that I should be able to get over it, in next to no time. (I wish that were true)

    It took me a while to stop blaming myself for not being there. For not seeing the signs. For not hearing the silent cries for help. And, I think that is your first step. You need find an acceptance in your heart and soul (not just your mind and in words) that it happened due to reasons beyond your control.

    I am thinking about Christie at the moment, it's still a memory that I have not fully come to terms with. And though it is difficult for me to think about her, I am willing myself to do just that as I need to find a glimmer of hope to share with you, to help you find you peace.

    I am struggling to write, as I don't want to say anything triggering for you. I mean, since I don't know circumstances of his death or how you became aware of it, I don't know the boundaries of similarity between my experiences and yours. It's like I am trying to navigate you home, but I don't know where you are.

    The one thing, that I did --- and that I am ever grateful that I did do it then, when the memories were fresh in my mind --- was to remember a wonderful, joyous occasion that we had spent together. I remember the lake we were canoeing upon, the weather, the water, the way the warm sun glinted off from fair skinned back. It was a great summer day. I can still see her smile. She was so happy that day. It is this memory, that I have visually committed to memory, that I recall whenever I remember that awful day that I first met her parents, only to tell them she was gone. :(

    It is having at least one good memory of people that helps me come back from the brink of despair and find happiness in my memories of them once again. May I suggest that you find one of your brother, for you to hold on to. To bring you back from your brink of despair.

    Talk to us, we're listening...
    SB

    1 person found this helpful
  4. blondguy
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
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    blondguy avatar
    11264 posts
    11 July 2017 in reply to Amber3

    Dear Amber

    If I can express my sincere condolences on the loss of your brother.

    My heartfelt thoughts are with you as my brother took his own life and I understand your pain and sorrow

    Im Paul...a volunteer on the forums and if I can be of any assistance, support or even just for a chat you are more than welcome Amber

    There are also many gentle people on the forums that can be here for you too

    I really hope you can talk to us when you are up to doing so....

    My kindest thoughts for you in this tragic and difficult time Amber

    Paul

    2 people found this helpful
  5. Tripletail
    Tripletail avatar
    23 posts
    11 July 2017 in reply to Amber3

    Hi Amber...

    My best mate did just that..

    Not blood family, yet to me more than that...

    Why ? Why ? Why?

    A never ending symphony of why?

    I had reasons why i could blame myself..

    I had theories of why.

    To begin with i wanted definate answers of why.

    Blame myself or other factors.

    WHY?.. .

    Now i accept..

    Yeah Amber i accept..

    I forgive myself..

    I forgive all the things i know i think i should have done..

    I just did everything i could and used my skill and ability i had at the time ..

    Don't be hard on yourself.

    We are human.

    We have skills

    We have abilities

    In hindsight i wished i was so more able and wise.

    I wish so much i could have stopped it.

    Acceptance and forgiveness of ones self truly helps.

    WHY ?

    I'll always back you on that one..

    Forgive yourself.

    Thinking of you .

    TT

    1 person found this helpful
  6. White Rose
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
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    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    12 July 2017 in reply to Tripletail

    Hello Amber

    I hope you read my post on the other thread. Love to hear from you again so we can support you as much as possible.

    Mary

  7. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
    15561 posts
    12 July 2017 in reply to Amber3
    dear Amber I had replied on another thread, but I have copied/pasted it
    My deepest sympathy to you because there are no answers to the questions you are asking yourself, too many 'why's or what if's' it's just so sad to know that he isn't with you anymore, so you must have so much you want to talk about, the good times, the moments when you both talked about your own problems, and those special moments you consoled each other, these are memories you won't forget about.
    It's not a pleasant time for you and I feel so sorry for you, and nobody could ever answer any questions you have asked yourself, and the only solution to getting over this is to make your own conclusion.
    I have lost three friends to suicide, all of these I had no idea about how they were thinking, they always pretended to be OK, but deep down they were suffering so badly as I've now learnt, because we were all young and my experience with suicide was nil, I only wish I had known, then I would have asked, researched and done all I could to get them help, that was not to be, which I'm so sorry about, if only I knew.
    There must be so much you want to talk about, there will be plenty of tears and rightly so, moments when you want to stop talking but definitely, moments where all you want to do is express how you feel, not only for yourself but also for your brother.
    I really hope that you can get back to us and share the pain you are suffering from, I know it's not easy but my heart goes out to you. Geoff. x

  8. blondguy
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    blondguy avatar
    11264 posts
    13 July 2017 in reply to Amber3

    Hello Amber

    Just saying hello and seeing how you are going. I understand this is an awful time for you

    when you are up to it I hope you can let us know how you are

    my kind thoughts for you

    Paul

    1 person found this helpful
  9. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
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    geoff avatar
    15561 posts
    13 July 2017 in reply to blondguy
    dear Amber, I second Paul's comment because it's a worry for all of us, just as it is for you and what you must be going through. Geoff.
    1 person found this helpful
  10. summerdays
    summerdays avatar
    15 posts
    14 July 2017

    Hi Amber,

    I am so so sorry for your loss.

    Yes I have lost a brother to suicide. When he was 20 and I was 22. It was awful.

    We went to the hospital but were turned away.

    He had issues for many years.

    Our Dad died by suicide when he was 6 and I was 8.

    I think our lives have been a ripple effect from that. And perhaps his suicide was a ripple effect of something else.

    I will never forget the pain I experienced when I lost my bro.

    It hurts so much to reminisce about my childhood because he is gone.

    Journalling helped me alot, and so did music.

    When I viewed his body I wept and told him I was sorry. I felt really bad that I couldn't save him, but fortunately I was able to let go of that guilt and I understood that he was in peace now and that was all I really wanted. I was strong enough to deal with the pain of not having him around, if it meant that he was now in peace.

    They die because life hurts too much. I respect my bro so much.

    All the best xx

    1 person found this helpful
  11. homegoddess
    homegoddess avatar
    2 posts
    2 November 2018
    Hello I'm Homegoddess. I lost my son to suicide 18 months ago he was 21. He had been struggling for severals years as he had a acquired brain injury when he was 7yr old.At first I thought all was ok and I was getting the help he needed but he was fulling everyone. He had been in the medical rollercoaster for years. He would say what they wanted him to say and no one thought anything was wrong. But we were all wrong and I blame myself that I couldn't stop him from committing suicide. I still have nightmares when I hear a knock at the drop and the police are there . My son was a lovely and happy boy but I didn't realise how much he was hurting I feel so sad he went down that track but he was pushed over the edge by one person on his 21st and that is when the spiral started he committed suicide 1month after his 21st birthday. How does a Mum come to grips with such a tragedy I always think it should have been me to take away his pain. Does this journey get any better and does the pain subside as I think of him every single day and I do tell him off for doing what he did. I just want to know does this loss and grief slowly subside as time goes by.
  12. blondguy
    Life Member
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    blondguy avatar
    11264 posts
    3 November 2018 in reply to homegoddess

    Hello Homegoddess

    My sincere condolences for the loss of your 21 year old son. 18 months ago would be no different to 5 minutes ago and bless his heart for what he had to endure with his acquired brain injury (and thoughts) from when he was seven

    This is so very sad Homegoddess. I am nearly 60 and coming to grips with a loss like you have gone through would be nearly impossible. Just in my humble opinion the journey of your loss will alleviate.....somewhat....yet this is a huge loss that you have experienced

    Only if you are comfortable talking about it....Can I ask about when you mentioned that he was 'fooling' everyone? I have had chronic anxiety followed by depression for 35 years and I have been wearing mask all the way through this awful illness. I am not saying I understand what your son was thinking yet I hope you can understand where I am coming from

    The deep sorrow of your loss and grief does slowly fade over time homegoddess. Of course the good memories wont. Your son will be with you

    Im sorry about asking another question.....Can I ask if you have someone you can confide in during this difficult time?

    My brother committed suicide when he was 24 (in 1983) I do remember the pain yet now I only have the good memories....not the guilt I felt for not being around him at the time

    If I can thank you for reaching out and being a part of the forum family homegoddess

    When its convenient for you, I hope that you can post back with any thoughts or comments

    please be gentle with yourself....

    Paul

    1 person found this helpful
  13. homegoddess
    homegoddess avatar
    2 posts
    5 November 2018 in reply to blondguy

    Hi Paul

    The reason I said he was fooling everyone was outwards he was a very happy outgoing person. None of the medical team picked up on how he was really feeling. He went into his sessions answering all the questions that were asked of him and there were never a negative response as they have all told me this. I think he knew how to say what they wanted him too. He was always happy when he went into therapy and always said he was fine. It was ashame as a Mum I really didn't pick up on it. I do have someone to talk too but sometimes this is not always possible.

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