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Forums / Grief and loss / Feeling overwhelmed & scared

Topic: Feeling overwhelmed & scared

5 posts, 0 answered
  1. 7andme
    7andme avatar
    1 posts
    8 December 2015

    Hi,

    I lost my dad this August he was 54yrs old & his death was unexpected. He had been sick for about 2 years but his disease was always making him sick & then he would get better again. My sister & I left in May this year to travel Europe for 4 months & then live in London we both quit our jobs & where just wanting to find ourselves.

    Dad seemed like he was doing better so off we went & 3 months in we had to urgently return home, we got 5 days with him although he was never conscious we got to be by his side when he passed.

    There is just so much regret & guilt now. I'm just lost I have to find a new job & be in a home without him. At the moment me, my sister & mum don't really talk about what we are feeling, it scares me to know how bad they hurt I hate it. 

    I feel like I have no direction anymore our whole world is different & I just feel anxious. I have an interview tomorrow & im so stressed about it, it feels like once I have job reality is going to hit. My sister & I couldn't wait to get out of our sydney. Now we are back here & trying to face life without my dad. He was an amazing man & he held our family together. He didn't deserve to be taken away so early. 

    I just don't know how to go about everyday life & be happy. 

    Any advice would be great.

  2. white knight
    Community Champion
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    white knight avatar
    9377 posts
    9 December 2015 in reply to 7andme

    Hi 7andme, welcome here.

    Like you I lost my dad. He was 64yo and it was in 1992. I'd previously lost my older brother in 1979 through suicide. My uncle also went that way. In 1996 I lost my full time fatherhood and was suicidal at the time. I also lost my dog to my ex, my neighbours and town. Grief can hit you in many different ways. So, how did I survive it all?

    Firstly to focus on a few things and remind yourself often of these things.

    Like you my dad was "the salt of the earth". I often think about him still and my purpose in life is to continue for him to be proud of me. I also do things in his honour like this service here as a community champion and daily things like helping the elderly if they ever need a helping hand. In short I am becoming like my dad and I love that.

    On the same token you need to remain an individual. Not all things I do would be of his approval. Disowning my mother would have him most upset. But he wouldn't have been aware of the mental health issues we have and the journey of destruction my mother has. So there are exceptions to our focus.

    Death is a part of life. We need to accept it as soon as we can so as to get on with our lives. guilt should not be there. Its your mind playing tricks on you. Try to let your head rule your heart. Be realistic. Fantasy has no place when you have important issues to face like seeking employment.

    Finally, try setting aside a period of time daily when you think about him and your memory of him. Have a cry and/or share your memories with your family. His love forms your tears. Value them, cradle them and be happy they are falling. Embrace grief rather than fight it.

    I often recommend people google a man I have a great appreciation for. He has helped me for decades cope with life and learn to love it. Start by googling - "youtube prem rawat Maharaji sunset" there are many others on youtube.

    Tony WK

  3. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
    15560 posts
    9 December 2015 in reply to 7andme

    dear 7andme, I am deeply sorry for the loss of your father, someone who you always looked up to for guidance and support as well as being your mate.

    I am dreading when I pass away, only because my 2 sons and I are very close and option ring me up for advice and direction, and the devastation it will cause will be massive, especially for the eldest son.

    I try and talk to them about when I've gone, just to let them know that it has to happen one day, but they end the conversation quickly, but I want them to know who the executors are and who is my power of attorney, and that everything will be split up 50 to 50 share.

    I am sure that your dad would be looking down on you, not that I'm religious, but knows what ever you and your sister decide on doing would be something that he would approve of, something which would have come up in any of the many conversations that you had once.

    His advice will stay with you for ever, and that's what he would have loved, and your love for him will never ever go away, because he is still with you.

    I lost something who I dearly loved after having her for 18 years, and everyday I still talk to her and have photos on the walls in my flat.

    Your dad's presence is not with you, but the love and image of him is still there, so do what your dad would have told you to do when going to these job interviews. Geoff.

     

  4. Jamie3
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Jamie3 avatar
    13 posts
    30 December 2015 in reply to geoff
    I lost my dad when I was ten. As an adult I think the best thing to do is to share your feelings/ fears with your sister and mother. They all could and probably are feeling the same way. Guilt is a horrible feeling and can eat you up. It's not rational and doesn't discriminate and can become a massive burden. If not with your family talk to a professional :) thanks for sharing.
  5. Elizabeth CP
    Valued Contributor
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    Elizabeth CP avatar
    2456 posts
    30 December 2015 in reply to 7andme
    Sorry to hear of your loss.I agree with the other posts. Guilt is not warranted. Allow time to grieve. to cry but also make time to remember the good times with your dad Your dad helped make you the person you are so live your life in a way that feels right for you because that is what he would want. I lost both my parents years ago. I was very close to my dad and upset to lose him. I still miss him but I am glad he died when he did because he lived his life as well as he could until the end and I would not want him kept alive if he had no quality of life. I tried to focus on the positives surrounding his death. In his case he died on the way home from a medical appointment but he had treats in his bag he had bought for mum & him so I liked to imagine him enjoying picking out their favourite treats. My mum died while I was overseas. I was very upset as I had looked after her for 12 years before she went into a nursing home & then missed seeing her at the end. My son didn't tell anyone where we were so my holiday wasn't spoilt!!!  so it was too late for us to get back by the time we were contacted.  That was hard.   What I have learnt is to focus on the positives. Remember the good times together. Most important do not expect to function normally for some time after losing someone. I remember struggling each meal to put out dinner as I couldn't work out how many plates I needed and felt stupid as it is such a simple task. After a few weeks I was more normal but still had bouts of crying and would get upset really easily. You will never stop missing the person you loved but it gets easier with time. Good luck. Ps even if you don't want to talk about what has happened with your family at least reach out to them. Give them a hug or something so you can share each others love You all need it 

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