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Forums / Grief and loss / Grieving still after so many years 😢

Topic: Grieving still after so many years 😢

11 posts, 0 answered
  1. LoziLoz
    LoziLoz avatar
    5 posts
    1 August 2021

    Hi everyone.

    **first of all can I please respectfully ask for no negative comments or judgement as I’m finding it so hard to forgive myself anyway** 😰😰😰

    Back in 2013 I was in a fairly stable relationship - but I think in my heart of hearts I knew he wasn’t right for me or for the future I wanted for myself. At this time my mother was in hospital and was gravely ill with golden staf - and three types of bacteria that were completely destroying her body.

    In the January I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant and my whole world came crashing down around me. My first thought was that I just couldn’t go through with it - especially with my mum knocking on deaths door. I just didn’t feel like I could bring in additional stress to my family at an already highly stressful and emotional time.

    It was the hardest decision and experience I’ve ever had to go through - because as long as I can remember all I have wanted is to be a mum. It was such a traumatic experience and one that I still have vivid memories of (protestors etc made it just so harrowing for me)

    My partner at the time was supportive and he went through it all with me but shortly after he moved out of his parents home and he just changed so much! He then began to resent me and blame me for everything that we had gone through together - and still all these years later I am beating myself up about it and finding it incredibly hard to move on. 😰😰

    I have seen a psychologist many times over the last decade but I’m still not where I need to be - not even close. One of my close friends has been through a similar experience and recently pointed out to me that I clearly haven’t forgiven myself and I need to do so.

    I’m now in a relationship that I’ve been in for two years And I am desperately wanting to be a mother - but I am also so completely terrified of going down that road. A huge part of me is worried that the traumatic events from 2013 will come back with a vengeance and it will be an incredibly emotional experience.
    My current partner does not know of the decision I reluctantly had to make back then and I really don’t want him to know either.

    I guess I’m trying to reach out for words of support and wisdom and hopefully for people to share stories and may have been in a similar / relatable situation before. The guilt I still have is incredible and part of me still hates myself for doing what I felt I had to do.

    I’m still feeling broken 💔

  2. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9215 posts
    1 August 2021 in reply to LoziLoz

    Hi, welcome

    My heart goes out to you. This is a safe place for you to post, heavily modified for your safety and we try hard not to be judgemental. I dont think you have done anything wrong with your past decisions. Circumstances at the time dictated to you of what actions to take and regret is hard to ignore if you have it.

    We are sometimes our own worse enemy, we can be so hard on ourselves. You indeed have a consciousness that hovers on your actions which is not very productive however in grief we are all different and some of us find it hard to move on with some level of dreaming what the future may bring.

    I assume you've tried another therapist ? if not I suggest it. Sometimes a new therapist might have a different approach, say words that gel for you and turn your thoughts to help healing.

    Guilt is a serious problem. The following thread is one I wrote a long time ago as I suffer guilt from my childhood. You only need to read the first post in the following thread-

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/guilt-the-tormentor-

    Your guilt is such that you dont want your partner to know your bad experience. Yet we usually get so close to our soul mate that we open u and discuss it. That common road allows the partner to understand and adjust their consideration for your reactions. I respect you dont want him to know...I'm simply suggesting that you need ongoing assistance with this problem and so I hope you dont give up on any help you seek. You have had a psychologist and I'm proud you have had such treatment- well done.

    I hope others post here and welcome again to this site.

    Repost anytime

    TonyWK

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    5940 posts
    1 August 2021 in reply to LoziLoz
    Hi LoziLoz,

    Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your story with us here. It takes a lot of courage to reach out for support, you also never know who will read this post and feel less alone in their own experiences. We are sorry to hear of the stressful experience you had in your previous relationship, and how it is bringing up fears and guilt for you currently. Please know that you never have to go through this alone, and support is always here for you.

    If you would like to talk to someone we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

    We also think it would be worthwhile to have a look around the forums and see if there are any other conversations that you feel resonate with you. 

    Thank you again for being brave and for sharing here today. Please feel free to check back in and update the community on how you are going if you feel comfortable doing so. 
    1 person found this helpful
  4. LoziLoz
    LoziLoz avatar
    5 posts
    1 August 2021 in reply to white knight

    Hi TonyWK,

    Thank you so much for your kind and nonjudgemental response.

    I think one of the reasons, if not the main reason I’m reluctant to tell my partner is just my overwhelming negative attitude towards myself for the experience - and I don’t want him to feel that way about me. Another factor as he is actually adopted himself and I wonder whether sharing this experience could bring up a sore point for him in someway. He is also an extremely unemotional person, almost polar opposite to me and I don’t know if he would know how to deal with the emotions that would bring up for me.

    In terms of seeking another psychologist or therapist, unfortunately I haven’t as yet. Again, my reluctance to do so stems from the way I feel about the situation and my fear of people judging me. I also really don’t want to go back to that time and have to rehash it all with someone new. Although I don’t feel like my current psychologist has helped me overcome it as much as I would have hoped her to she is definitely a safe space for me and someone who I can trust.

    Two of my closest friends have gone through a similar situation to me but also in many ways very different. Both of them are now mothers and seem very at peace with the way that things have worked out.

    I spoke to a phone counsellor the other day who said she feels like when I am a mother myself the guilt and the shame and the negative feelings with what happened will dissipate more more as the years go by. Can only hope this will be the case, because I long to be a mother.

    I Can only hope this will be the case, because I long to be a mother.

    I have two beautiful nieces and some days I can’t believe I gave up that opportunity for myself - With my mum being so unwell at the time I honestly felt I had no other choice.

    I guess I just look back now and think it’s almost been 10 years and I’m still living this horrible feeling of guilt and in someways regret. I long to have a little one of my own and I find it so hard to come to terms with the fact that may never happen 😢😢😢

  5. LoziLoz
    LoziLoz avatar
    5 posts
    1 August 2021 in reply to Sophie_M
    Hi Sophie M.

    Thank you for your response and for being kind and nonjudgemental.

    I think one of the things I struggle with so much is that this is all such a Taboo subject (even though it happens to so many people) and then unfortunately as such there really isn’t much support out there for people who have gone through it.
    I do have two close friends who have been through a similar, all be it very different situation but both of them are now mothers of their own and seem to be living their best lives. I didn’t know that it had happened to either of them Until I chose to confide in each of them and they then share their personal experience with me. I think it’s a lot more common than people realise 🙁
    It’s unfortunately something I never ‘agreed’ with and never thought I would have to come face-to-face with making such a decision but at that time I honestly saw No other way out. I sought support before making my final choice and the people I spoke to said that most people continue on to live a happy life free of regret but that certainly hasn’t been the case for me so far 🙁🙁🙁

    One of the parts that made it so difficult was that my partner at the time did initially support me and we stay together for a few months after. But then he seemingly had a change of heart and turned into a really nasty, judgemental and blaming person.

    The thing that makes my heart ache so much is that it is all I ever wanted (to be a mum) and I really hope that one day I get that opportunity again 💔

  6. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9215 posts
    1 August 2021 in reply to LoziLoz

    Thankyou for replying,

    Your friends appear to have moved on successfully in a similar situation. However us humans are incomparable, such is our uniqueness. Comparing isn't productive actually but I understand why you'd do it.

    Can I ask, do you have any achievements in life? Career, hobbies? Other family?. I ask this because we all get our confidence from such places. In a way such achievement balance out the trauma ...Life of ups and downs.

    People that are sensitive and/or guilt ridden, are commonly ownership of a beautiful kind heart which I believe you have. This leads me to a topic of discussion of positives and negatives. But before that I'd love to know more about your achievement if and only if, you don't mind discussing them.

    TonyWK

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Katyonthehamsterwheel avatar
    1568 posts
    1 August 2021 in reply to LoziLoz

    Hi there

    I think one of the biggest challenges in life is learning to “accept the unacceptable”. I made a similar choice to you, multiple times to be honest, and I really feel for you as I live with regret too. We’re all different and we experience life differently. I don’t know if it’s helpful to say this to you, but perhaps if you know you’re not alone in your experience, it will help in some way.

    It’s a really hard thing to talk about, and there is judgement out there. And it sounds as if some of that judgement you already experienced is impacting on the way you feel about your decision now. But you did what was right for you at the time, and no one else is living your life.

    I hope you get to be a mum, and I hope you find peace. You deserve it. Happy to talk about anything you want. No judgement here. Katy

    1 person found this helpful
  8. LoziLoz
    LoziLoz avatar
    5 posts
    6 August 2021 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Hello Katie. Thank you for your reply and again for being kind and nonjudgemental. Do you know if there’s a way to message you privately on here? It would be great to chat to someone who can really relate to my experience. Thank you for reaching out to me :-)
  9. LoziLoz
    LoziLoz avatar
    5 posts
    6 August 2021 in reply to white knight
    Hi Tony.
    Thank you for your reply :-)
    When I was saying that my friends had come out the other side, in a way yes I was comparing myself to them - but more so because it sort of gives me hope for the future and that maybe one day I will be able to move on and enjoy life in the way that they are.
    In terms of my passions and accomplishments - I am a primary school teacher and I have been for 10 years. In 2020 I was meant to travel overseas and spend the year exploring the world and of course that wasn’t able to happen. 💔
    This year I am working at a school but I’m really not happy in my role and I can’t see me being there beyond this year. It is an open learning community set up so I don’t have my own class and that is something I really miss 😢
    Also, with remote learning it makes it increasingly difficult as the face-to-face aspect of teaching has taken away.
    In terms of my family I have two beautiful nieces (2.5 & 4.5) who I absolutely adore and enjoy spending time with when I can. I have an older brother and my parents who I also try to see as much as I can.
    I have a lot of friends around the world but unfortunately due to my current travel plans in 2020 I have been unable to reunite with them as I had hoped.

    I do have some friends fairly locally however I moved to a new area for my job and I’m finding it increasingly difficult to meet people. My partner usually works six days A week so I’m finding myself feeling quite alone at times.

    I think the biggest thing for me is that I really thought by now the events of the past we have become a distant memory and I would’ve been able to find a way to move forward more entirely. The other thing is as much as I want to be a mother I am absolutely terrified of the prospect of being pregnant and having a baby, also because I worry that the events of the past will come back to haunt me.

    I think the biggest thing for me is that I really thought by now the events of the past we have become a distant memory and I would’ve been able to find a way to move forward more entirely. The other thing is as much as I want to be a mother I am absolutely terrified of the prospect of being pregnant and having a baby, also because I worry that the events of the past will come back to haunt me.

    My biggest fear is that the opportunity I felt I had to give up all those years ago is one that I am not at all certain I will get again in the future 💔💔💔

  10. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9215 posts
    6 August 2021 in reply to LoziLoz

    Hi Loz,

    Thankyou for replying. You are such a treasure you know? Members post here and their words speaks volumes about their character. Being a "worrier" confirms to me you have a consciousness. You care, you care about your challenges which edges towards being a worrier. "Worry" - what productivity does it give?...zero!. Except, I believe worriers make beautiful people.

    My first realisation that I worried beyond normal was a traumatic event that sent me to a therapist in 1987. His teachings were remarkable. One day he asked me how my week was. "Well, I worried my boss was going to knock on my door" (I was on workers compensation), then my fence was going to blow over with the wind, oh, of course I'm always concerned about our roof leaking as it has rained a lot"...He then taught me how to think realistically. "How realistic are these thoughts Tony?" I thought long and hard about that for many weeks and realised I was not thinking realistically not rationally. That resulted in my anxiety levels among other things like depression and panic attacks.

    I'm not a therapist but it would be harmless for you to think about what thinking patterns you have that are not realistic. To some extent you can ask others if they would worry about this and that. EG Asking women about pregnancy and your fears. I'm not ignoring the hurt you have gone through in your past experience but there is women out there that have had a loss then gone on to have more children. Perhaps make some enquiries to get in contact with same to ask what strategies they made to overcome the fear.

    Your thoughts?

    TonyWK

    1 person found this helpful
  11. Shay123
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Shay123 avatar
    14 posts
    12 October 2021 in reply to LoziLoz

    Hey LoziLoz

    First of all I'm sorry you had to experience that! I'm sure it could not have been easy! I know you've probably heard people say that you shouldn't feel guilty because you have no reason to however I also know that it probably doesn't do much in regards to help as much as they're trying to help and they probably want only the best for you...I can't say that I've experienced something even remotely like what you have however I do know that regardless of the situation everyone takes a different amount of time to heal and move on and there's no "right" or "wrong" amount of time one may need to heal. For you to have made a decision like the one you did must have been tough and not many people can make that kind of decision. Just know that I believe it takes an incredibly strong person to make that decision...a person who has somehow been able to take a step back from the current situation and think what would be the best decision to make for me (and in this case for everyone else too)...that takes so much bravery and guts to make a decision like that. In that moment you made the decision that you believed was the best decision to make and there's nothing more that you could have done in that respect. It sounds like a tough situation to be in because in some ways, you can't win with a choice like that....either way there's a possibility that you would feel guilty and that's why it's such a tough decision to make. In my opinion, the most important thing to do is to be kind to yourself (which I know is a lot easier said than done)...when you're ready try and take some time to yourself and do something that makes you smile and lets you remember why you love the good times that have happened and are about to happen. You're so brave for reaching out...hat's off to you!

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