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Forums / Grief and loss / I feel like I'm dying

Topic: I feel like I'm dying

4 posts, 0 answered
  1. HelloMissEmily
    HelloMissEmily avatar
    1 posts
    22 February 2016

    NB: If you are not an animal person, no need to read

     

    Less than 12 months ago I lost my Lab, Buddy. Woke up one morning and he was paralysed from the waist down and the vets couldn't figure out why. Shortly after, my partner and I got a puppy, a beautiful Staffy x Corgi. We named her Sierra. She was our baby, and as any animal-lover knows, fur babies mean just as much as a human baby could. Yesterday, at the young age of 10 months, my partner came outside to find our little Sierra not moving, and unresponsive. He rushed her to the emergency vet only to confirm what we already feared: she had died. They suspected a snake, which was confirmed when my brother raced home to bring our other dog inside and found the dead snake in our backyard. Sierra had managed to kill it, but at the cost of her own life. She was my little baby. After losing Buddy, I thought I would never be the same, but Sierra brought a light into our lives when we needed it most, and now she's gone. I'm so angry. At myself, at the universe, at everything. And so, so, so wrecked. I miss my baby girl so much. Between losing Buddy and now her, I don't know what to do. I can't breathe. I can't stop crying. I feel like I'm dying. I also have an older Lab, Bella, who probably does not have much time left with us. When she passes..... I don't even know. I'm so lost. So confused. Why? Why did this have to happen? If I had just been home earlier, I could have brought them back inside like I always do and she would still be with us. I would have woken up this morning to a hyperactive puppy jumping on my head, instead of hyperventilating and wiping the tears from my eyes. I wouldn't have ended the day at the vet, saying goodbye to my baby girl, instead I would've stayed up way too late binge-watching on Netflix. There are so many "what if"s. So many "should have"s. So many regrets. I don't know how to get through this. I don't know if I can.

  2. Neil_1
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    Neil_1 avatar
    4232 posts
    23 February 2016

    Dear Miss Emily

     

    I’d firstly like to extend a very warm welcome to you to Beyond Blue … and to thank you so much for providing this post about your beautiful dog(s).  My heart goes out to you as the grief that your showing is so raw, so fresh, so real and it’s at these times that we are so vulnerable.

     

    It’s also at these times that finding words to say is so difficult … and a lot of the time, the words offered simply pass into one ear and out the other and we don’t really hear too much at all.

     

    The thoughts and wishes of ‘what if’s’ and ‘if only’s’ are our ways of trying to see things in a different light and to try to see how things could have gone differently.  I guess it’s a human reaction to our grief.

     

    Miss Emily, I can’t really say much more than this at the moment, but I know that you’ll receive more messages of support to you.  I know you’ll be now smothering your beautiful Bella with hugs, kisses and affection – possibly even more than what you would have normally.  I’m picking you to be an amazing “mum” for your dogs and oh boy, they would have sure known it as well.

     

    Please use your partner as a big source of support at this time, but also, if you feel it helps, please come here and respond or simply write back some more things – sometimes it can be a kind of a therapy in itself to write things down … instead of bottling them up inside.

     

    I know it’s so incredibly sad and tough at this time for you.  I wish I could do or say something more to provide you with more support.

     

    Kindest regards

     

    Neil

  3. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    15590 posts
    24 February 2016 in reply to HelloMissEmily
    dear MissEmily, I can really feel like what you are feeling now, it's a feeling that no one can else can feel unless they
    too have lost a dear pet they have loved so very much.
    People have the nerve to say 'she was just unlucky' or 'she was just a dog' and how dare they should ever utter these words
    to what we always thought were part of the family, and that's what Buddy and Sierra were to you and your partner, your
    babies, and they were always your babies no matter how old they are.
    You will still be giving all your love to Bella, but there is an empty spot in your life, because you are mourning these
    two lovely dogs that aren't there with you, and even Bella is not able to help fill this spot, she will try her best and you
    will really appreciate the love she is returning back to you, but it won't stop the tears flowing.
    I had a Jack Russell Tessie for 18 years, my partner, my companion, my sleep partner, who came with me everywhere, and if she was not allowed into a place then I wouldn't go, that's how much I loved her.
    She had cancer, had an operation, but that failed as it burst open, so I had to make the hardest decision for a long time
    and had to put her to sleep.
    She was still licking me on the vet's table, but like you I was crying like hell and had to leave.
    The despair and wonder of why will never be answered, but you will punish yourself by saying 'it was my fault I should
    have brought her in', but no because it could have happened at any time of the day, so it's not any fault
    of yours Emily, and to those that make those comments which I mentioned above tell them she was my baby and 'NOT just a dog',
    so put them back from what they have to say.
    The thought is to go out and get another puppie straight away, but this is something that you never want to do, but I had Moo-Moo (on the photo) who was only a couple of years old, who I dearly love, but that damn hole that was left and could not
    be filled by her as much as she tried to by licking and wanting pats all day long.
    I had a relapse when this happened and once I had recovered then Moo-Moo was there for me.
    My sincere sympathy goes out to you and your partner. Geoff. x


    1 person found this helpful
  4. emmy 77
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    emmy 77 avatar
    2 posts
    25 February 2016
    So sorry for your loss .In October 08 I lost my son ,two weeks later my home burnt down and I lost my little dog and cat .I was shatered ..What helped me get through was rescuring a cat and dog from the pound ,it does not replace them but gives you something to focus on ..

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